The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
is a HUGE one. every time I think I have it, I am reminded that I do not.
My wife started voluntary treatment on Monday. A more real way to say that is that my wife started on Monday to jump through the hoops she thinks she needs in order to avoid a harsher sentence for her third DUI. I would actually say "yay" but she drinks in the morning before leaving the house now even more consistently than before she started treatment. Her deal. I am trying SO hard not to count, and not to play the "Easter egg hunt for bottles" (as one of my fellow Alanoners puts it), but I couldn't help but notice that ALL the beer she had in the fridge was gone tonight. I feel like there were at least 10 cans last night, although I really don't know because I didn't count. more than 6, anyway. How??? No clue. I mean, how long do I pretend that I do not hear her running water in the bathroom in the morning while she opens cans of beer? I don't say anything. She comes out of the bathroom in the morning while I am in the kitchen, and sticks the cans in recycling. (Summer cottage lay out - only access to the bathroom is through the kitchen) And even so, I have no idea where all the beer is going. (Nor should I, since I am trying so very hard NOT to control the situation or her drinking.)
Today, I had a hectic day at work and we were running late. She was supposed to stay home and clean our house today, but since my parents are not coming on the weekend, she opted to go clean her mom's house instead. Wanted to earn her $100 this month. And, since she knew I was running late, she opted to take the bus to her mom's from where I work. Great. Wonderful, helps me so much in my day! She decided to bus back downtown after cleaning. ok. And to wait for me at a bar. Ummmmm. By the time I got there she had contacted a few "friends" (who actually are great people who also happen to drink way too much), and the LGBT professionals mixer had begun. Professionally, I should take part in the mixer that I didn't know was happening. Personally, I wanted to get out of there. So, I talked to people at the mixer and reconnected with some people I didn't know I knew. Meanwhile, my A is doing what an A will do at a bar. I am no saint, and I had a beer when I should not have. Not for me, but because I should not be drinking in front of my wife. And, when I feel stuck, I do not always make the best choices.
So, then my wife on the way home calls me on the $10 breakfast I had this morning while at a different work-related event. We are now out of money for the month. I asked what happened to the money we had in savings. Gone, apparently, and she put a memo on the transfer to checking, so it is ok. And, of the money she earned today cleaning, $20 is left. I was SO upset. I cannot understand making the decision of spending the last little bit of any money at all on alcohol. Or, of telling me half-truths and hidden truths to make me think that we are ok financially when we are not. Then I remember step one. Powerless over alcohol. And I think that I haven't quite gotten it yet. I know it, I just don't KNOW it yet.
Steps in the right direction, though, are that I am not out of money, and she doesn't know it. So, I can certainly stop for gas at a gas station next Monday (instead of my trusty, rusty gas can!)
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
oh Skorpi... it's so hard. I can't even imagine doing my work in the throes of active alcohol abuse.
I don't think you did anything wrong having a beer. YOU are not the addict here. at least not the alcohol. And why should you deny yourself to accommodate her?
I can't even imagine how much harder this would be if I didn't have money to pay my bills.
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-- ladybug
We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
Hi Scorpi, Step one, as with all the steps, takes a bit of doing and practice before I could say that I had incorporated it deep within. I like comparing all the steps to the three A's.
I found that the first part of incorporating a new idea was the awareness phase.---. I heard the idea understood it, wantedit in my life.
The acceptance stage is more difficult and challenging. I had to act on this new belief consistently and feel the pain and discomfort of practicing it.
The action stage, followed. I practice these principles in all my affairs
. I always tended to run from awareness to action and that did not work. I needed to work through the acceptance stage and that is to be where you are at the moment.
In the acceptance stage. I'm tempted to go back to old behaviors, react with anger, resentment, self-pity, or fear, and each time I do not. I reinforce the new behavior.
I see that you did just that with the recent incident.
Progress not perfection is the key. Keep on keeping on. My friend
I had to set up separate accounts in my marriage also because of this and it hit me right between the eyes at one point that I was letting my A who couldn't manage his own life manage my hard earned money! I worked 4 part time jobs to make as much as him and he would go out and blow a lot in a few nights! I am so thankful for al-anon and for the steps! My sponsor helped me to become aware, accept and take action when I was ready by working the steps with me at a snails pace sometimes. I am forever grateful for her love and patience for that time and energy she poured into me! I like your awareness! Step one is a big one and they always come back to be reworked, but it gets easier each time. Sending you much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I wonder what it would feel like to say something like - You and I have different spending habits. You enjoy spending money on items that I do not. I spend money on things you do not enjoy as well. Therefore, I have decided that by having separate accounts - we can each track and spend our money more clearly. This helps me stay organized and allows for better financial planning for our future.
A-response usually involves an attempt at guilting / shaming "but we're married! How can you do this to me?!" Making empty promises "I'll never spend on _________ again" or just out and out angry, adolescent tantrum throwing.
But for me, that's ok... because those behaviors and statements are happening anyway.
We know in our mind that the only promise and active A can make is the promise to continue to empty cans and empty accounts and empty promises until they find a way to surrender and begin their own path to healing.
The mind makes every attempt at analyzing, problem solving and applying logic our situation.
The problem is logic like this has no application to the disease in it's active stages.
I have been using a lot of slogans lately when my mind begins this process of over analyzing.
I have to remind myself of step 1 almost every day. For me it was the most difficult of the first 3. I think it will always be the hardest one for me. I see it as two- pronged: powerlessness and insanity. I understand the latter but boy do I struggle with the former. I've been pugilistic my entire life-- I fight to win--and knowing I have no power over the alcohol and the A has been very hard for me to grasp.
On a happier note, your dog is adorable. Is she part Labrador? I have a lab, and he is just the most awesome creature ever.
Hmmm, Jenny, I think that would feel a lot better if she had a job... I am working toward this, I know HP will keep giving me chances to make this move until I am ready to do so.
Irish, the pup is Chloe, my new pit bull. Such a sweet little girl! I can really say that Chloe inspired my Alanon journey, because I was here, but afraid to actually change things until push came to shove about this little pup. I am thankful that she came into my life every day.
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Hi Skorpi, glad you shared with us. I am also in the process of remembering step one in dealing with some relatives affected by the disease. I like how there are the three c's: I didn't cause it, can't change it, can't cure it. I like how the three a's are consecutive, awareness first, acceptance second, action after the first two. I have a tendency to act without awareness or acceptance when I forget I am powerless over what other people choose to do.
Thanks Skorpi for the post and thanks everyone for sharing.
