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I am new to this and am feeling desperate and heart broken. I am in love with an AH who has been in recovery for about 8 months. His problem was so serious that he actually died from it twice and was revived. When we met he had been sober for only 3 months. I guess I was pretty clueless because I actually believed that after going to rehab he would be fine. This was back in November and we very quickly started spending all of our time together. We both fell deeply in love very fast. He started drinking just once or twice in January and wound up doing so a total of 5 times over 3 months. I threated to end it and he made promises to stop. He told me he wouldn't do it again and for about a month he seemed to be sticking to it. But this past Wednesday he got very angry with me and stormed away and ended up on a 5 day long massive drinking binge which landed him in the hospital 3 times, in jail once with a DWI, with a wrecked car, and finally now in a detox hospital. I have made the extremely painful choice to end the relationship but I am heartbroken. Is there any hope for this man or should I get out as fast as possible? Keep in mind I am going through a divorce and have 2 young children at risk here. Any opinion is very welcome here. Thanks so much!
Runnergirl I am so sorry for what you have gone through. Personally I know you are heart broken but I think what you did was best for you and your kids. If you had met him and he had been sober for years I would say perhaps stick it out and see where it goes but he has only been in recovery for 8 months and has died twice which is so crazy. Having two young kids involved makes it that much messier. Believe me as I am currently going through this with my AH and I have two boys ages 3 and 5. There is always hope for an alcoholic and their loved ones....that is what al anon has taught me. Just not sure if you want to get deeper involved with him and his disease when you have two young kids to worry about. Sending you tons of hugs at this tough time.
Welcome to Miracles in Progress Runner Girl: based on the Principles that this program was founded on. , I do not venture to give individual advice as I do believe each person is on a journey and the answers for their lives or within that person.
That said, I would like to point out that t alcoholism is a progressive, chronic, fatal disease that can be arrested and never cured. We are powerless over the effects of the disease and over the recovery of the person who suffers from it. Recovery from this disease takes a great deal of effort on the alcoholics, part and affects the entire family.
Since this is a new relationship, and you're in the middle of a divorce I do believe, that attending Al-Anon face-to-face meetings would give you a better insight into the way you should go. These meetings are held in most communities and the hotline number is in the white pages
I think you are asking a few different questions at the same time!
"Is there any hope for this man"...well, yes, there is hope. People recover all the time, even from situations that seem absolutely hopeless. But they do it because they finally get to a point where they want it and need it more than anything else, and not because someone stuck around and "believed in them". Unfortunately, having someone there to cushion their landings actually tends to slow down the process. So yes, there might be hope for that man, and you staying with him probably won't have much of an impact on him or his recovery, but it will have an impact on you and your children and only you can evaluate that.
"Should I get out as fast as possible?" is a question about you. Whether you stay or go probably won't have much of an impact on what he does, and what he is likely to do is to keep on doing exactly what he has been doing. Getting wasted and being ridiculous and breaking promises is what an addict does. So the question is, what can you tolerate? What do you want for you? What do you want for your young children? Why do you feel they are at risk? Can you best achieve what you want by staying with him or by having a break from the craziness and taking some time out to be an independent woman and a mother?
Al-anon isn't about working out how to change an alcoholic into something else. It is about working out what we want and need and then taking steps to make it happen, sometimes with the alcoholic still with us, and sometimes by taking a different road because it is best for us (and our children).
What do you want for you?
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Aloha Runnergirl and welcome to the board and family. God at one time I thought it was love or maybe 3 or 4 times I thought it was love until I got in to Al-Anon then to find out I was addicted to alcoholics and addicts like I was also addicted to alcohol. Alcoholism is a compulsion of the mind and allergy of the body. You drink that mind and mood altering chemical and of course!!! everything gets altered...This isn't normal this is normally sick...and insane and sadly or maybe not we find ourselves (the friends and family affected by someone else's drinking getting each other well in Al-Anon. We learn to be unaffected or less affected by the alcoholic's thoughts, moods, behaviors and personality. They are fighting a deadly battle with alcohol and we find out we are also. It affects everyone it comes into contact with.
We don't give advice...we share our experiences, strength and hope ...the stuff that we tried and which worked for us and might work for you.
Alcoholism is a fatal disease so physically he has reached that door and been revived. It causes all forms of other extensive problems as you can see the jails, institutions and more. I think only one of the reasons I was so addicted to my addict, then alcoholic, then alcoholic/addict was because they would let me contribute and invest so much of my pride and ego into the relationship that I thought they were more pleased with me than the punch...NOT!! When I did more for them they did more drugs and alcohol and were free to do it because the relationship made more demands on me than they had to do.
Every time I chose an alcoholic or addict for a relationship I was making a mistake which could at anytime be fatal. I also was born and raised in the disease so the disease was normal and I didn't know there was one.
I don't know of any alcoholic who likes the down side of the disease...the drunk and worse the physical, mental, emotional, financial etc. problems. No one likes that stuff and then I don't know any alcoholic that likes the trauma that comes from trying to just quit...the cravings and shakes (dts) and insanity . Alcohol addiction is thousands of years old...we I believe are an altered people early on.
Your alcoholic is going to have to want to be a truly sober member of humanity than anything or anyone else. In order for me to get and stay sober (I am also alcoholic) I had to on suggestion leave my family of origin which included my former alcoholic/addict wife...I walked away and into the program of the Family Groups...I have stayed ever since then because when I came to believe their ESH saved my life. I by the way have also drank into toxic shocks; 3 of them when and where the amount of alcohol consumed with shut all physical, mental systems off and leave the alcoholic to benefit mostly by miracle alone...just like your AH.
What worked for me was getting INSIDE OF the Al-Anon Family groups. In the face to face meetings where I sat and listened and learned from those who came before me and were willing to share their recoveries with others. The program is world wife and could be as close to you as the white pages of your local telephone book. Certainly you can attend twice daily web meetings here at MIP or look up the afg.org on your puter.
MIP...this site helps hundreds to get well and then stick around to help others. You've come to the right place. Keep coming back. Consider this thought I will leave you...Is the pain of staying better than the pain of detaching...are you less well off or more...is it just for today or forever? (((((hugs)))))
I think getting some space would be a good idea. Maybe let him live on his own and you live on your own with the kids for a bit. When a person promises they will do recovery "for you", it is almost always BS...when you see them start doing it for themselves, that is a good sign, but still no guarantee that it will stick. So, if he is really wanting to change this time, he can do it while living on his own and learning to take care of himself in early sobriety while living on his own.
You don't have to get divorced or dump him right away, but if that is what you need to do in order to avoid getting totally wrapped up in his chaos again...so be it. I think what you fell in was not "love" like you probably think. Someone that sick is not able to fall in love in a healthy way. I know this because I am in recovery and, prior to being sober, my idea of love also included someone to make me feel better about myself and to latch onto because I was so incredibly needy. As far as you...well, maybe you can call it love, but not healthy love. Healthy love is a union of equals, with consistency, where both parties compliment each other and can stand alone strong, but choose to stand together strong as well. Healthy love emerges over time as you respect a person for how they treat others and how they conduct themselves. It's not based on neediness, drama, or using each other like drugs to fix the broken parts of you and make yourself feel better.
So if this is going to go from unhealthy love to healthy and mature love, I would think some space would help at the very least. Distance yourself and either let him work recovery or not by his own will. If he doesn't change on his own....That tells you that you made a wise choice to move out. If he can sustain recovery for a year at least on his own...then maybe it might be time to think about reunifying. You might not even like the sober him. You only ever met the barely sober a few months needy trainwreck version of him. You think you know the sober him, but you don't. Emotional sobriety doesn't set in until about 2 years sober and even then, it's iffy. You might not even like each other then. You might not even be compatible.
In the meanwhile, if you choose to move on...go for it. Don't look back. Yes, it is true most people would leave in this situation and break up with the person. You know this already, but you are here because of a problem with you that makes that difficult. Going to alanon is going to help you fix yourself and that part of YOU that wants to cling desperately to something sick and broken. Go to alanon meetings and find an alanon sponsor...Unless of course you don't want to get better because if you don't, odds are great that you will carry on with this guy and endure more pain or will find another guy just like him. It is serious. It's not just his problem, it is also yours. Go to alanon for yourself and your kids.
