The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So yesterday my AH proclaimed for the 9,578,559th time that he was going to stop drinking. I no longer listen to any of those promises (even though deep down, I wish one day it will be for real). He came home from work with the typical complaints about EVERYTHING. He works for his family, so there are multiple relatives he can blame his problems on. I let him talk but I didn't engage him in a conversation about any of it, cause it's all BS and all self-inflicted. I returned polite, short responses. I was then told, I am just like the rest of them and I don't care about him (ok, that's not new) and 10 minutes later he was visibly intoxicated, even though he rarely drinks in front of me any more.
After putting the baby to bed and sitting down in the living room with him, I asked him if he's ready for some information about the AA meeting that's held right down the street from our house. He said 'sure'. I regret talking to him about this when he had been drinking, but it happened. I know that he probably just said 'sure' cause he knows that's what I wanted to hear and he wanted the conversation to end (which it did, cause I realized it was a waste of my time).
My question to you guys is, since I already mentioned it, do I print out the info about the meeting for him? or leave it alone?
My first Al-Anon meeting is tomorrow at noon.
-- Edited by CoopsMom on Tuesday 21st of April 2015 09:48:51 AM
If you do print the info and give to to him, what result do you hope you might achieve?
Do you want him to go to AA feeling as though you have helped him get there? Do you think that would be a positive or a negative thing? Once upon a time I would have thought it was a positive thing, wouldn't he WANT to feel loved and encouraged? I sure don't think that now.
In my experience trying to encourage my partner to quit an addiction or to seek help and making enquiries for him just created future reasons for him to resent me and use me as the enemy....he only quit because I hassled him to, he only did it for me, he's been so good for weeks and now I won't even let him have a "night off"...can you see this as a potential outcome?
Personally I would not print the info or mention it to him again. He is aware that AA exists and you have made sure of that, any further "helping" him will just come back to bite you in my experience and act as an excuse for him to avoid taking responsibility for himself.
Hugs to you and enjoy your first meeting!!
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
He knows what he needs to do and I'm sure he knows the info or at least how to find it. If he asks you can give it. I only give my AH info about his meetings when he asks.
Good luck at your meeting. I'm taking a friend tonight to her first.
__________________
-- ladybug
We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
Hi Coop's mom, I'm glad that you have found an Al-Anon meeting and will be attending tomorrow.. Please let us know how it goes.
As far as giving your husband literature regarding the meeting, I see no harm in it. You have already mentioned it, told them where it is, so printing it out, leaving it on the table is simply following through.
Please remember that we are powerless over people places and things and that presenting him with the literature is just that. It is up to him to make his choices.
Coopsmom I am in a similar spot as you. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do so I wouldn't even waste your time getting on the computer to print it out. Try to focus on yourself and your baby and do what is right for you. F2F meetings will help you out tremendously. I have only been going for a short while but it has helped me so much. Sending you tons and tons of hugs.
Me too Coops ...I love this post and its responses cause this and a bit more up to and including the question "Are you going to go to the meeting for her"? was part of my Al-Anon upbringing when I first got here.
I let him talk but I didn't engage him in a conversation about any of it. Good for you "Detachment 101" with Keep you body language accepting also. ((((hugs))))
So yesterday my AH proclaimed for the 9,578,559th time that he was going to stop drinking. I no longer listen to any of those promises (even though deep down, I wish one day it will be for real). He came home from work with the typical complaints about EVERYTHING. He works for his family, so there are multiple relatives he can blame his problems on. I let him talk but I didn't engage him in a conversation about any of it, cause it's all BS and all self-inflicted. I returned polite, short responses. I was then told, I am just like the rest of them and I don't care about him (ok, that's not new) and 10 minutes later he was visibly intoxicated, even though he rarely drinks in front of me any more.
I'm starting to think everyone is married to MY AH! LOL! Yeah, I don't believe my AH when he says he is quitting drinking. Might last a day or two, then it's "It's the weekend" or "I've worked hard today and I deserve it" etc etc. My AH doesn't work for his family, but he talks about EVERYONE at is work and our church, and even both our families! There is ALWAYS something wrong with the person, or something they are doing TO him. Even if you start out the conversation on a positive note, it always goes back to "Yeah, but so and so did this, or something like that. Makes me wonder what he says about ME! He (and others) says he never has anything but good things to say about me. But when he is drunk, I can't do ANYTHING right. He also puts words in my mouth and twists things to make it look like I am badgering him or telling him he is doing everything wrong. Even when I select my wording carefully: "Hunny, would you mind turning the lights off when you come to bed?" Then I am accused of "Barking Orders" at him. That just P@#%es me off to no end!
-- Edited by CoopsMom on Tuesday 21st of April 2015 09:48:51 AM
