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I had posted this on another page but think it may have been the wrong site so, I'll try posting it here.
Hello everyone. I am new to this forum. I am looking for help with a very difficult amend that I need to make. I will try to be very candid here so that you might fully appreciate my situation and my desire to make amends.
18 years ago when I was still married to (but separated from) my alcoholic wife I conceived a child with a woman during a one-night-stand. She apparently did not want me to know about him because I found out when her friend told me she had delivered my son. At this time my wife and I had gotten back together in our last effort to reconcile our marriage. After the shock of the news of this child wore off I approached the mother and asked if it was true. After she assured me it was true I asked her what she wanted from me. She replied "nothing". I am ashamed to say that hearing that I pretty much washed my hands of the situation and walked away hoping that this fact would never come up again in my life. There were a few more instances where I know that the mother would have gladly allowed me to be in his life but I ignored those opportunities also.
At that time in my life I was so devastated by the horrible shambles that my marriage; my entire life had become. I knew that in a short time I would be a single father of 4 small children that I had with my wife. I was so afraid to face the embarrassment of fathering a child outside of my marriage. I was so very ashamed and guilt ridden. Then I added to my shame and guilt by not stepping up to the plate and accepting responsibility for this baby. My wife and I later divorced and I raised our 4 children alone for the most part and life slowly improved.
Through al-anon I grew healthier and happier but, I was never able to escape the guilt I felt for not taking responsibility for the son I fathered. Never a day went by that I did not think of him and how irresponsible and detestable it was that I was not living up to my responsibility to him and his mother. Here I was acting as "Father-of-the-year" to 4 of my children while I had completely abandoned another. I knew that one day I would need to make amends to them but how do I do that? After a few years I had no right to inject myself back in to their lives and I was afraid to ask if I was welcome.
About 18 months ago, by the power of the internet, this young man found me and my children and started messaging us on FB. As you can imagine there was a lot of explaining to do to my 1st 4 children. My 5th child is very shy so he has not wanted to speak on the phone. I have had minimal conversations with him through facebook. I know that is very impersonal but it seems to be what he is comfortable with at this point. I spoke to his mother on the phone and offered a quick apology but I do not feel it was enough.
I really feel that I need to make amends to the mother first and then reach out again to my son. I understand that I have no right to ask them for anything but I do want to make amends. I want to ask their forgiveness. They live 1500 miles away form me. I do not care any more about my feelings. I want to make amends but I do not want to hurt them any further.
I would appreciate any suggestions you may have on the best way for me to try to make amends first to the mother and then to the child.
Congratulations on becoming ready to make amends on this situation. My wife grew up in a very similar situation as your 5th child, and a few years ago at age 45 she got back in contact with her dad, and now her and the dad's other 3 daughters that he had after leaving the first marriage are pretty good friends. My wife's brother, however, really wants nothing to do with any of them, seeing his stepdad as his real dad and still having a lot of resentment to his bio father. So the results in my wife's family were 50/50, but at least bio dad did actually make contact with son. However, dad never really made amends to anybody, just said he wants to be back in their lives. I think that is a source of friction for my wife with her bio dad.
I don't have any advice on how to do it. I would think it would be an individual situation. i think the most important thing is that it is done. Even if it doesn't work out well with the 5th son, he may change his mind later. What's done is done, but amends are made so that we can get the guilt out, and get situations out in the open and have a chance of talking them through.
I guess one piece of advice would be to do it in person, at least to the son who has never met you, perhaps with former girlriend over the phone and get her permission/blessing to come out. This could be a long process in and of itself of course, you will likely have to convince former gf that your efforts are sincere, and that it is a good idea. But, once you are there with him, all of you having real people with real faces and real homes would make it more of an honest-seeming effort I would think.
Good luck on this, glad you are reaching out to others.
Hi Joe I certainly admire your honesty, clarity and recovery. To me Step 9 asks that I make amends for the past harm I might have caused. In making amends I found that changing my attitude toward the parson and responding differently to them was a huge first step in the amend process.
When my altitude changed and I began to treat hem with courtesy and respect, the sincere apology for past misdeeds followed without much difficulty.
You must also forgive yourself as well You are human and not a perfect person We all make mistakes and being willing to face them and own up to our part is heroic and admirable.
You are mailing amends to this child right now and I would continue to do as you are doing. Remember to make amends to yourself for all the guilt and shame you inflicted on yourself regarding this deed.
The step tells me that I am making an amends "for my part in it" and not every part in it ad that for me is where my HP and my sponsor comes into the play. I related to your post and how my behaviors affected the lives of others and how the changes I desired to make (amends) meant I would no longer do them in the future. Part of the amends was introducing the changed me to those I had previously harm and explained my part and what I had come to understand caused it. When my amends was done I asked (you have done so also) "is there anything I should do to make it right or help correct any lingering harm. I listened to their responses to that question and then followed thru in kind. Step 9 is a my parter step and I don't take responsibilities for decisions others made in it outside of a through inventory. I believe in sticking close to my Higher Power and sponsor in this step. Befriending the young man if he doesn't have another male in his life might not be a bad idea with in reason since you have a program to offer to others today. Keep coming back.
