For years now I have allowed my daughter to go to her fathers house for Christmas and Easter. In my mind, she would have lots more fun there as they have little kids and make a big deal out of these festivals. I spent last Christmas sitting alone in a room being sad. I had it in my mind that spending these happy days with her miserable, broke,  grossly inadequate mum was unfair to daughter. What a sad, lonely little corner of the universe I had marked out for myself! I'm so happy to be emerging from that dark place. mark that one for the gratitude list.

So this Easter it was expected that I would follow the same pattern. I didn't. I decided I wanted to spend the holidays with my daughter and see my family. Her father can't quite believe it I don't think and has been texting and harassing me. I don't respond. Daughter does't want to go over there, she wants to spend these holidays at home. For once he isn't geting his own way and his texts show me that he is getting more and more agitated about me not bending to his will. Oh well, let him be agitated. She spent 4 days there, it isn't like we are denying him contact, she just wants to hang at home for most of this break. She started school the day after we moved into this place after spending the entire summer break with him so, why can't she enjoy this one at home? Silly question, she can. I don't have to change plans anymore just because someone is agitated or doesn't like it. Yay! He harps on about how he is "entitled" to half of the holidays and every second weekend with her, as if she is a commodity. but she has reached the age now where she can legally choose and I intend to honor her choices. The up side to this is that instead of having her stay with him and then ignoring her and her having a crappy time, he will have to actually spend time with her and take an interest in what she wants and needs if he wants her to visit him. Double yay!

He was texting me yesterday to tell me that what she has posted on instagram is terribly disturbing and we have to have a serious discussion about it and he wants her to see a professional. She posted a picture she had drawn, and as always he sees it as a sign that she is disturbed, depressed, in need of psychological intervention. I'm so very weary of him trying to diagnose our daughter as mentally ill. Her creativity and uniqueness are not illnesses and she is far from depressed or disturbed. I don't know why he can't just enjoy her. She framed the picture and gave it to my grandmother as an Easter present. My grandmother thought it was adorable, so did I. My grandmother is artistic and has a taste for the slightly macabre too so I don't find it unsettling, it's just a style they both enjoy. He said I "have to have a serious talk with her" so I asked daughter about it and she said "oh ignore him, he obviously wants a drama". Not much need to discuss it with her, she knows her father well already I guess. She's not prepared to just draw rainbows and unicorns to appease him, and good for her. She also said she is tired of him "stalking her" on facebook and instagram and I am too, to be honest. It's obsessive and it goes too far. She uses those mediums responsibly and he needs to back off and stop watching her every move and trying to dramatise it. I honestly feel that he is looking for any possible reason to diagnose her as mentally ill. he did the same with me when we were married. He is wrecking his relationship with her and can't see it. It's a shame, but oh well. I can't manage her relationship with her father although I can see that as she matures she sees him with new eyes and she is increasingly disappointed and irritated with him. He has recently learned that his very alcoholic father is dying  and I am seeing his "isms" are a lot worse accordingly, I'm trying to be compassionate and disregard his behaviour and comments for the moment in the hopes that it is grief related and it might improve over time. But I do see signs that he is drinking and smoking pot to excess again and that is a concern because he gets very paranoid and does drastic, damaging things when he is under the influence.  I see a man very damaged by alcoholism in both his mother and father, trying desperately to diagnose and control everyone except for himself. It sad and so very destructive. Perhaps I ought diagnose him as an adult child and prescribe him al-anon, lol. He would have a FIT. But of course that is not my place nor my responsibility. Anyway enough of me taking my ex-husband's inventory. I just wish he would celebrate and enjoy his child instead of trying to convince everyone that she is mentally deficient. He is missing out and it's unfair to her.

So ANYWAY we travelled yesterday to have lunch at my grandmothers. It wasn't a lot of fun, my sister walked in and said to me 'OMG what have you done to your hair, it looks horrible" and then over lunch my stepdad decided to repeatedy tell me my hair is rusting and he has something at home that can fix that. Hilarious. I actually like my hair, so pfft to them. But it was irritating I have to admit. My aunt won't acknowledge me and neither will her daughter. My aunts ex-boyfriend was for a time making constant advances towards me and sending me suggestive emails which he later told me he knew she was reading, it was some kind of game to make her jealous I think. I responded to the first few as if he were joking then realised he wasn't and stopped communicating with him at all. His behaviour made me feel very uncomfortable and now my aunt treats me with contempt; I just don't have the energy to try to JADE my way through it with her. She's been unpleasant to me for years away so pfft to her too.

Anyway my point is it wasn't a perfect day, people were grumpy, my mother was agitated and snarky as she often is when large family gatherings take place and once I would have found it all upsetting; I would have focused all of my energy on the people that were being unpleasant and gone home angry and disappointed. But I'm different now. I chose to sit at the "happy table" with family members I rarely see. I think i used to be jealous of them because they are always happy and nice to each other. We had a lovely conversation and enjoyed the food.  I had to laugh at the way my family organises itself; at the "main" table the angry people sit and bicker with one another about everyone else and shout out taunting comments to the rest of us every so often. At the stoner table my brother and cousins sit in silence and, I assume, communicate telepathically. I used to always sit at that table and play the clown, making them laugh to break the silence. This is the first time I have sat at the "happy table". I liked it; I think I will start going to family gatherings again and reserve myself a place on that table from now on. Why be jealous or feel "less than"? I am enough. Mark that on the gratitude list too.

So it wasn't a thrilling day but it didn't have to be. I didn't have a bunch of huge expectations of anyone else or of myself, I just went. I had fun the day before shopping for a few small gifts for daughter and gave them to her the night before in our own kind of "new tradition". When we got home we retreated to our own corners of the house and got cosy doing our own things. I feel happy. I feel like I am enough now, as a mother, and as a member of my family. Its nice, inside me things are peaceful. Daughter seems happy.I think we are both very much enjoying our new, peaceful space.

Now we have a week of doing almost nothing; daughter is on school holidays and so am I. We have agreed to do very little; I have to work a bit and also have to print flyers and distribute them but mostly we will just stay warm (it's getting cold here), enjoy our peaceful new home and chill with dog and cat. Daughter wants to redesign her room, she has a very gothic theme in mind so we will scour op-shops and look for suitable furniture to paint and play with; also my mother is donating her beautiful old black brass bed and we are going to make 4 posts for it and a canopy, my grandmother is going to make some black lace curtains for it too. What a seriously fun project, she will have a better bed than me, I might have to turn mine into a 4 post bed with curtains next!!! My bed is oak though, and I will have billowy cream silk curtains I think....

Anyway I don't know what my point is exactly, but it's just good. Life is relatively simple, I am not worried about what everyone else is thinking, not waiting for anyone to meet any expectations, I am just being and it's nice. Home DIY projects, building a business, staying warm and drama-free....bliss! So, yay!

Also here is "sad vampire bunny". Would you rush your child off to a psychologist and medicate her as her father seems to want?  I just think it's cute, personally.