The material presented
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to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
We gave our 19 year old son until Wednesday this past week to find a place to live. I had packed up all of his things last weekend. He has been uable to follow our house rules, which are that he remain clean and sober,stay in recovery and home by curfew, unless prior arrangements have been made. This has probably been the 5th consecutive weekend we have had problems. We let him know in advance that if anything happened again, that would be the last time and he would have to move out. He recently quit school, (college) to work full-time, however he won't get paid for another 2 weeks. Thus he has no money, no car and no phone. He claims the only place he has to go would be to a friend's who isn't safe. Anyway, Wednesday, when it came time to leave he was dragging his feet, not wanting to go. He was in tears as were we, but we told him he needed to go, for his sake and ours....we also have two other children at home. He did leave Wednesday and went to the friend's place. He did drink that night, but according to him he didn't get wasted. He went to work the next day, but showed up back at our house that evening, saying it was so good to be home, he loved being here, etc. Anyway, my husband let him stay, but told him he had to leave the next night....Friday. Again he shows up back at our house after work, saying he has changed etc. We have always told him he would be welcome back home when he was fully committed to his recovery. Up to this point, he has been unable to surrender completely. I told him Friday that we would be able to recognize changes and his committment to recovery, and I didn't think one night away was it. I feel like he is telling us what he thinks we want to hear so he can stay. He did make a phone call to his sponsor (he's never offically asked this man, but he's been working with our son as well as us) and the sponsor told him he needed to leave for our sake. So he left with his girlfriend and another friend. He shows up again late afternoon, yesterday wanting to eat and shower, etc. My husband told him to pack his stuff and go....that he couldn't continue to keep showing back up. Our son said he would, but my hubby had to leave before the son left, and when we all returned home, I noticed he hadn't packed anything. We get a call from our son around 10 pm last night asking if he could come home. I told him no. Then he begged me to let him come home and talk. He showed up about 15 minutes later, again saying he's changed and really ready to commit to his recovery, willing to change his friends etc. He hadn't used anything, so he says this weekend....I know last night he was ok. My heart can't take much more. I know it is so hard to kick him out knowing he has no money. But I do know he has places he could go or calls he could make to people that could help him find a safe place to stay for awhile. Yet he can only think of the unsafe friends. He told me last night that I had a bad attitude and I needed to be more positive. I'm not sure anymore.......He wouldn't call his sponsor last night for feedback...he told me I was telling him how to work his recovery, etc. We are just so tired of the stress. I want to believe that he is 100% committed to his recovery, but how can we.....there is absolutley no trust. I guess knowing he was clean and sober last night can be a start????? or can it? We would so appreciate prayers....thanks for letting me share. God Bless all
Mel: What an incredibly difficult time for you and your family. It sounds like you are holding a lot of lines for him. I also think like many many As he is good at making it "you". They are so so adept at projecting and acting like we are their wardens. Personally I am sick to death of it. I want to go up and hole up in the woods and never see another A again if I have to deal with one more it will be too much.
I am glad that you are reaching out for suppport. I am also glad that you have identified people that your son can call. No doubt he feels like he is the victim now and cannot see the consequences of his behavior.
My heart aches for the pain you are feeling about your son. How difficult it must be to have to turn your back on him. The love I hear you have for him is great. I will tell you this, Thursday at my f2f there were two speakers from NA. Both of them said that if thier parents would have not thrown them out they would not be sober today.. They spoke of how having thier parents say enough is enough and would not want to see them anymore until they were sober really truely was the key to them getting clean and sober. The one lady went to a homeless shelter and got help. So there is a place for him but why should he do the hard things if he can keep coming home.
My prayers are with you and your family.. Wish you nothing but warm thoughts, may god give you the strength you need to do the right thing.
Sometimes tough love is the only option left to us.
mel, Thank you so much for your share. We are glad you've found us here. It will also help you a lot to go to face to face meetings and to work the steps. You'll be amazed at how the steps will change your life. I'm always amazed when parents take the steps you and your husband are taking for yourselves, your son, and your other two children. You have a lot of courage. Blessings, mebjk
Lord, I feel for you, this must be so hard - remember, you are not abandoning him, not turning your backs - in fact you are doing what must be done, to save his life.
Might help to remember all those time when he was a boy, and you held to the hard line - made him clean his room, brush his teeth, do his homework, whatever. You held the line then, because it was what needed to be done. You can do it now, when the stakes are so much higher.
Sorry you are going through this pain. I too am the mother of an alcoholic/addict. It breaks my heart, and I know I don't always do the right thing. So hard to detach from a child even if he is legally an adult. we certainly didn't envision these things when we held them in our arms. Give it to hp and let him guide you. Sending lots of prayers. Stay strong.
Mel all I know is my own experience. I had to send mine off too. I hear a lot of people have to send their boy birds off to fly.
I always say the same thing. If we don't push our children out, they will never realize they can take care of themselves and survive. They never get to find their own power and strengths.
Ultimatums do not work. He can get it together out where he is, go to meetings, go to work. He has to choose.
Coming home was not an option for my son. It was dang hard too I tell ya.
But now he is twenty nine and very, very independant. Has given himself a world of experience and is a man I am very proud of. He has high morals and is a super good worker.He learned he could support himself or go hungry. He did not like hungry.
I hope you will be able to be strong and say no. I love you, no. We have to turn them away to show our love. horrible stuff.
