The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am missing my mother very much but I cannot force her to want to share herself with me or know me. She raised me single handedly & was my best friend for many years, as long as I did as she wanted. I have worked hard to break this co-die relationship w/ her since Spetmember.
After her yelling at me over the years, telling me to snap out of my depression, be self-sustaining & not be so codie on her, it was a shock to see her immediately trying to attack & abuse me immediately when I pulled back. I suppose she felt me withdrawing from her as God showed me a way to love myself & get what I need from within. Mind you this only took every bit of 37.5 yrs to discover but I am on my way!
I never knew my father & have no siblings, i just wish she could love me for the soul I am & not what tasks I can perform for her. I do know I am entitled to have my own life & am diligently working on this. She never reaches out to me, I always felt the pull, even as a 5 year old & went to "emotionally mother" my own parent.
It has taken a lot for me to forgive myself for neglecting myself, funny how we have an abandonment issue & yet abandon ourselves. I am only beginning to know myself but the love & joy I have for me today is all new & I feel extremely Blessed to have made it to this point.
When I see my mother, it takes every bit of my strength not to fall at her feet crying. Nothing I can do will wake her up, open up, I have to look to my heart & the God that stirs within me. All I can do is change myself, I am doing it, getting stronger by the day.
I still miss what I thought I had, I thought she loved me but I have come to realize she doesn't love herself & she blames herself. I have never blamed her, only tried to express myself to her when she asked to quickly be told that she wasn't interested in hearing me. Funny it took me 30 yrs to hear her saying this but I accept it.
I have removed my hand from the slamming door & learning to protect myself & healing in the process.
-Kitty
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
All I can do is change myself, I am doing it, getting stronger by the day.
______rosie___________(((kitty)))) U GO GIRL!!! we had a right to **expect** love/protection/nurturing from our parents, and we have the right to be angry/disappointed over it--- however now that we r in recovery, we can find that love/nurturing/acceptance WITHIN---once i accepted this, that i can not give me back my past/ change the evil parts, and thus, accepted that i CAN give me my NOW---tomorow, i began to focus on that....i get sad too, when i think of how the perp killed my mother and "maybe she would have done this/ seen that had she lived, etc" but its all useless wondering the "why's and how's" of another spirit whom i had/have ABSOLUTELY no control over-----so i tell my hp i am "willing to move on" and that willingness is getting me OUT of the **should have's could have's** and thinking about taking care of me NOW----RIGHT NOW-----so my tomorows have more hope...... U R doing gr8.....feel the feelings, allow urself to FEEL, than self talk is in order............love ya , rosie
I know a little of what you are feeling. It is such a sad empty feeling! I have only been with my a for 4 years-I have a hard time with not getting what I thought it was going to be. (Being able to share my life with someone who was supposed to love me)
I am sorry for the empty place in your life. I hope that you will continue to lean on your HP and find Him able to fill that hole and know that you are great as you are and you can depend on you.
Kitty: I think this journey through boundaries can be such an eye opener. I have come across the term muddy boundaries recently and that really does describe my family of origin. My mother idolized my elder sister and to some extent my elder sister was a parent to her and to us. She had a lot of rage about that which she dumped on me and my younger sister. I can understand she was made to be a parent when she did not want to be but I actually did not ask her to be that my parents did. There is a substantial amount of rage, envy, grief, despair and denial in my family of origin. There is also a great deal of sentimenalizing and making stuff up. There is not too much possibility for me to have honest nuturing relationships with my sisters. I don't look for it anymore but I had to grieve it and grieve it hard for a long long time.
As the scapegoat in the family I was the truth teller so I never had the image that my family was functional. At the same time I think it has taken me decades to see the effect on me and how hard the boundary blurring and boundary bombing has been on me and my life. I am still recovering and may always be recovering.
We had such formidable shares in the meeting last night about how hard it was for people to ask for help, how being with an A was the only way they got to that point of saying I can no longer do this I need help.
I have worked in therapy for a lot of years on my family of origin issues and thought I really knew how much it cost me to live as I did as a child. Perhaps I had to be involved with an A and reach a low low bottom in order to ask for help again in learning boundaries and life on life's terms. I am very glad that I came here.
