The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well I got a couple of the Getting Them Sober books--the first and fourth ones. I have been reading on them for the past few days. I ordered them a couple of weeks ago. Anyway--after a few more yucky days, he has decided again that he is through with the drugs--the last time "was enough" for him. O.k. I say great. YOu know what you need to do, get back on that horse and ride again! Well so after ONE sober day he found the books I had been reading--not that I was hiding them he just noticed them. Anyway so he picks up the fourth one--on Separation Decisions, looks through it notices all that I have underlined. And gets upset--fine your leaving me he says. He wasn't ranting or raving, wan't even really mean about it--just sounded certain that's what I was doing. Anyway then I started to try and defend myself--No I'm not leaving, I'm just trying to get myself better and let you work on you. I'm trying to do what I'M supposed to do. Which he responds to yep you're leaving me. Then I get so scared that I've hurt his feelings and I know he won't listen to me anyway. Granted not that I'm not thinking eventually I may not have any other choice but to leave, but I'm not walking out the door yet!!! I am still very much wanting our marriage to work. Then it just really hit me nothing I say or do is going to work here (in this conversation)--so I just said calmly--"Don't you dare try to make me feel bad for taking care of me and doing what I need to do to make myself better. I am not leaving you, but I am taking care of me."
I'm proud of me for saying that, but still the rest of the night and all day today my insides are screaming. What if's-- (which I can do nothing about anyway!!!!!) He came by a minute ago. Seemed not angry, but not happy. Irritated slightly because I asked him if he was going to a meeting--which I shouldn't have done, but now I'm scared if he thinks I'm leaving he won't even try to stay clean. BUT then I have to remember that's on him, not me--why does it hurt and scare me so much then??????
Anyway, I hope you all are doing well today and have peace in your lives!!!!
At my f2f meeting last night, we talked about detaching. I think that pain you are feeling is because of not detaching - he is unhappy, so you must be unhappy. I am gradually learning to identify that "codependent" pain - it has a special feel to it, and I can now recognize it when I feel it. Then I just let myself feel it, and realize that I don't have to act on it. I am not healthy enough yet to not feel guilty when my A is unhappy. I AM healthy enough, though, to ACT as if I didn't have those guilty feelings, and to just do what is best for me (most of the time).
On the other hand....It may give him time to think about what he really wants. Is the addiction worth you leaving him? I'm glad you kept quiet, it gives him time to make some choices about his life too. You can't change what he thinks anyway..
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
