The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, yesterday my A went out w/ my 15yo to look for a new dog. As a sidebar, we already have two, money is tight, they aren't licensed they don't always get heartworm meds, etc. Makes no sense to add another one. This gave me a chance to tell my 9yo that someone was coming to the house and that he didn't have to be scared and all he had to do was to tell the truth. He is a funny character. He said that he would go to a friends house until 15 min until they were supposed to come and then he would come home and shoot baskets and wait for them. It sounded almost like he wanted to tell his story.
Having been out looking for dogs, my A only had 1 or 2 beers before they came. They came out, my A still unaware. They met with my A and I first. They spoke about a service that a fellow alanoner told me about Friday and that I called about Monday. They were very happy that I was already seeking out the service.
My A went first outside. My 13yo went out and came back in and said, 'Mom is talking bad about you and she looks really angry.' I told her that, that conversation was between the caseworker and mom and that I didn't want to know about it. They were out there for 30 or 40 min. Then the caseworker took each child individually. I was in the living room. I told each child and the caseworker to let me know if they wanted me to go elsewhere so that the children felt free to talk. Nobody need me to move. I turned the TV up a little bit or played video games w/ my son while the others went. Weird I made a point of trying not to listen but I heard drinking come up w/ each one. I didn't know the context though.
It was my turn. I spoke of some of the issues of mental illness. I spoke how we had 4 years of sobriety but not recovery. I mentioned the alanon and alateen and she seemed very interested. Wanted to know how often and when I go to meetings. Said that was excellent. She seemed positive on the alateen meetings as well. She again expressed how good the program was that I was seeking out, she had a pamphlet for the same program. She said that she was going to contact the school counselors, I told her how I had been in contact w/ them and they have known about what was going on in the home. I told her that I've been reaching out for help since Sept and she scribbled all the things down I've done. Also the caseworker told me, not to say anything but that she thinks she is coming to the belief that it is a problem. She said that she mentioned that she didn't think it was problem only on the weekends at first but not it's everyday and its starting to be a problem. That is an AMAZING turn around, and is nothing short of HP. I let go and let god on that one and look what happens.
At the end, w/ the caseworker still there my A asked me why I didn't tell her they were coming. I said cause you'd act like you are now only worse. She told me, 'I had a right to know' and I replied 'you might be right, but I had a right to know that my daughter was cutting herself and you didn't tell me that.' There was silence and she said, 'but I got her right to a doctor.' and I told her, and I've been proactively seeking the kind of assistance that this agency is recommending and that you've resisted.
I don't think the caseworker was at the end of the driveway before the vile venom began to spew from her. She said that she wanted a divorce, and that she wanted me to contact a lawyer tomorrow. She tried to make me say that I hate her, and I wouldn't. She got angry at the kids. My oldest who was consitently saying that there was no problem, was telling us funny stories about school and sex ed. I couldn't help but laugh and probably needed it. Well this infuriated the A, that DYFS was just here and we were all laughing in the kitchen like one big happy family. She made comments to the kids that they are happy that she'll have to leave. At one point she told my one daughter.... I'm never going to stop drinking, why bother anyways.
She continued sniping each time she went by me. At one point she stopped and stared at me until I looked. When I looked my son also looked and she silently mouthed the words "I hate you" at me. At this point my son was crying. I didn't realize it but my daughter did and tried to cheer him up. Poor guy kept asking me if we could go shopping like I had planned but it was already so late. I ended up taking them for McFlurries and McD's anyways to get them out of the house.
My oldest screamed at meat one point, Why didn't you tell her they were coming? I said I have my own reasons. The real reason for the frustration came out. She said cause now I'm being punished. I wanted to go to Aunt Anna's this weekend and Mom said she won't go. (her sister knew about the impending visit.)
Well this babbled and was all over the place but I wanted to update anyone interested. Also...... my hugest most heartfelt thanks to all those who thought of us or prayed for us. I can't even begin to type that without my eyes welling up thinking of all the powerful energy and love from the here, the f2f room and some of my friends and family. Thank you all.
Bob
ps - all that and I forgot to say the outcome. We are being put in a 'family preservation service' program. 12-16 hours a week of therapy for the entire family. They are flexible and can come out 7 days a week and different times. There will be individual and group components so the 12-16 hours might include them taking out one of our kids for coffee, etc.
the other part is that my wife had to agree to and I forget the exact words, some kind of drug and alcohol abuse screening or testing or something.
a
-- Edited by bobump at 10:15, 2006-02-24
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
I am so glad it went well. As you know I was thinking about you. You handled the whole thing with a huge amount of grace and strength despite how scary it must have been. You can stop holding your breath now.
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**Everyone is doing the best they can from day to day**
i am so sorry for you and your children. they may not understand your reasoning yet, but one day they will. you are doing what is best for them and for you.
i think you did the right thing by not telling your A. otherwise she would have just pulled the wool over the social workers eyes. my dad is an A and has almost died numerous times b/c of his drinking. he has 7 siblings, but only one of them(my aunt is a doc) stuck by his side to nurse him back to health. eventually when he felt better, he started drinking again, but hid it from her. she moved away last year, so he thought he was "home free." at xmas time, i knew she was coming into town but i didn't tell my dad. i had already told her that he was still drinking, but she wanted to see it herself. she showed up at his door in the middle of the afternoon and he was completely smashed! i know she was disappointed, and i kind of expected him to be ashamed, but that didn't happen. he just got mad at me for not telling him. his sister hasn't spoken to him, and i don't blame her. maybe i'm at fault...maybe not.
now, i am not in contact with my dad. i still think about him and love him. but i just can't keep watching him turn on the charm and lie to people about being sober when i know that as soon as he walks into his house--he starts getting drunk.
my mom divorced my dad 6yrs ago because of his drinking. my brother hated my mom because she broke up the family. but time passed, and he realized that my mom wasn't the enemy-drinking was the enemy. my brother loves her and now supports her decision and apologized for being a jerk through the divorce process.
just stay strong for your kids and for you. do what is best for you. they may not understand now, but they will.
Sounds very positive to me, and obviously you are doing the best you can with what you have. Keep close to alanon friends during these trying times, and keep us posted. You are doing great!.........gardengal
I'm so sorry you're all going through this. Seems like you and the kids are headed toward healing. I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Know that there are many out here thinking of you.
I'm so glad you really feel the love we have for you, it is not superficial talk. We really do care so much for you. It is really difficult to be a great parent when all hell is breaking loose, but you have put your focus on your kids (and yourself) and thier well being and dude, that is soooo phat!!!! ((hehe, can ya tell I have a teen?)
I have loads of respect for you as a man and a parent. I know how hard it is to try to keep things in some sort of semblence of normalcy. I have not protected my son from his Dad's disease, he has seen it full force, even the hallucinations while detoxing. I really didn't mean for that to happen but it did. I took the opportunity to say.."This is where alcohol leaves you TJ, please don't ever go there". I know it rocked his world, but I also hope he never forgets seeing his Dad in that condition. I'm blessed in the fact that my A is a docile man and has always told our son "I love you buddy". He sure loves his Dad too. It must be terribly hard to have your A trying to brainwash your children to her way of thinking. Sounds like you are winning this one, thank HP. God Bless you bump, your kids and your A. I pray that something comes of this and a lightbulb goes off for her. I prayed for mine so many times....I think HP stepped in for me cuz he was sick and tired of hearing it after 18 yrs...lol He probably said "GEEEEZ!! allright already"!!!!!! My A just had to wait his turn, wait for his time...
Love you bump Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
You've had my support all along & I'm so proud of you for going through with it, sounds like everyone was desperately reaching out for help & who knows, this may end up saving your wife's life.
All of my love, -K
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
It sounds to me like the A has intense abandonment issues. I know I have met women in the AA program who lost their children and they do not talk much about what went on before they lost them just the fact they lost them. I can only imagine what it would be to be in that process.
I know I married a man once who did not want anything to do with his child. He was not even curious what the boy looked like. I did not take that into account. Not everyone can be parents. I know I do not necessarily have red flags about the people I choose to be involved with. I do have a better sense these days but I still struggle with it because of my family background.
I think its commendable that you are prepared to reach out and get help for you and your family and to acknowledge you need help. I also think its commendable that you work so hard not to react when your wife is being provocative I think that takes a lof of discipline, diligence and restraint and I am sure your children are watching you and learning from it.
