The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last April my husband let me in on his secret problem with oxycontin and cocaine abuse. I knew something was up since so much money was missing. Although I didn't notice the symptoms of abuse since he always uses while drinking. I always thought he was drunk. Well it has been hell ever since. You see when we married he had like 3 credit cards(not in my name) that had very large limits . They were not maxed out by any means, but we had used 1 for our honeymoon and other various wedding expenses. So I knew we had quite a bit of debt. However when I realized in April how much money he had taken out on his cards in cash advances, I knew something was up. He promised to come clean and I cut the cards up. But we have not been able to catch up even with help from his mom. It has been constant fighting and bickering. The blame keeps getting passed onto me. In October, he informed me that he gave his notice at work. He promised he would get another job fast. Well he fell into a serious depression and you know what happens then.....he started using again. Things got really scary for me....I came home one day and found my whole house torn to peices. He was so paranoid from using coke, he was hearing voices under the bed. He thought his friend was under our bed or in our closet. I had no idea that coke had caused this. I really thought it was just depression. How stupid was I!!! It was a lesson that I will never forget. At this point I hadn't found this webstie....i had noone to even talk to. I don't want my parents to know about this because they have enough of their own problems and I have always been the one child to not need any help. I have always been the independent one who made the right choices. I guess I just don't want to be a disappointment to them. I know it sounds so silly--seeing as though I am 30 yrs old. I guess that is why I havent left him yet. That is hard for me to say. But I actually said it. Wow....progress!!! So right now we are so behind on bills....creditors calling constantly. The one positive is that my husband is back to work. (As a counsellor in this field---imagine that???) Today he came home and informed me that he wants us to move in with his mom for about 6 mths...so that we can save up and maybe start fresh. I really don't think it could be worse than where I am right now. But for some reason I just want to cry. I feel like I have been dragged around this relationship like a wet rag. I try hard not to argue anymore--I just dont have the strength to. If anyone has any advice---I could really use it.
I am sooo sorry this is sooo long.....I guess I just needed to put this in print. I actually feel a sense of relief just writing this.
Thank you guys.....this has been the best place for me!!!
Don't feel so dumb about not knowing. If you haven't had to dela with it, how could you even begin to know.
I don't know much about Cocain abuse, but in many aspects, addiction is addiction, the drug of choice may be different, but the results are the same.
To start with, you didn't cause this and the blame is not yours. Alanon has three C's. we didn't Cause it, We can't control it and we can't sure it.
Of course most Alcoholics or drug abusers will try and push the blame off on anyone but themselves.
Don't live in secret, it can be your worst enemy, remember that you are not alone, and you cannot even begin to deal with evreything alone.
Keep coming here and reading and venting, you will learn that others have been through much of the same things as you are going through. Read anything you can get your hands on, and if you can get to face to face Alanon meetings, it would really help you.
Your husband did this on his own, and he has to be the one to choose to seek help.
You can help yourslef and by doing so help him. Coming here was taking a big first step.
Are you sure he's being honest that it is cocaine he is using? I only ask because I didn't know cocaine would cause hallucinations. Paranoia, yes. My husband uses cocaine and he's never hallucinated because of it. It could be the pills making him hear things.
My husband and I left our home and moved here four years ago. I thought it would help and starting fresh seemed like a refreshing idea. It just meant that he had new people to use and manilpulate because everyone else was on to him where we lived.
I have also noticed that when we stayed with family or family was helping us out he felt freed up to pursue his addiction. On one hand, we had no privacy, but on the other hand I had more in house support so I didn't feel as if I were going through things alone.
Well the only advice I ahve is to find Al-Anon or naranon quick , you are the only person u have any control over and there is help for you . there is nothing u can do about him this is his problem leave it with him. does his mom know that he is using? Iwould certainly clue her in by not discussing this with her u are helping keep the secret. she dosent need to know all the nitty gritty stuff but does need to know that he is using.
Where is he getting the money if he isn't working ? u need to protect yourself from financial ruin. Until we stop believing the lies , lying for them covering up their crappy behavior and making excuses for them absolutley nothing will change. We only get sicker as they continue on with thier addiction. Detach with l ove and look after your own needs. This is a disease and it is progressive it only gets worse. good luck Louise
Hi, We don't give advice in Alanon, just our experience, strength and hope. I know for me I had to make some major decisions at about your point in life, to choose to live for myself and to make healthy choices, or to continue on a road to nowhere. Your choices might be different.
I will say this: I have found that going to meetings - face to face - and working the steps, has worked miracles in my life. "It works, if you work it!" Find one or two good face to face meetings and also, get a sponsor. Sponsorship is not talked about much online, but it is the heart of growing in the steps. And your life will get better, if you choose for yourself. Most of us probably felt embarrassed about needing help - I think that is part of the disease we have. Getting help is actually a sign of strength, tho. And you do need to reach outside your family - outside of the isolation you are in. Coming here is the first step.
We're so glad you've found Alanon. Your being here helps all of us! Blessings, mebjk
My boyfriend has debt issues and the creditors call constantly too. I do not even speak to them anymore. I also do not even ask about his credit/finance issues. If I do he finds a way to involve me in his chaos. I have my own debting/credit issues and I go to debtors anonymous for that. Ironically it is not all about the money a great deal is about self care which I am not good at. I think detaching, setting limits and setting goals for myself is my primary goal at the moment. I am finding that very helpful and I find these rooms very helpful in supporting me doing that. I also go to see a counselor and find that helpful. I have stopped looking to my boyfriend for emotional support and caring.
I hope you will find help and understanding and support here. I have. I do not use al-anon as my only tool as I have many many issues including family of origin issues. I do have many many many issues with my boyfriends family of origin. I choose not to deal with them at this time. I think the family of origin of an addict can be a minefield in itself. I wish I had known about boundaries when I met him I would never have entertained socializing with his mother and brother for long if I had. Now I manage to detach but it has been hard going to get there.
My boyfriend has serious debt issues too due to the disease. I leave that to him as it is his to fix. However, since you are married, his credit is your credit. I can tell you from my own experience, that if you TALK to your creditors, instead of hiding from them, you are usually able to work something out. Even if you can't pay them a cent, if you let them know some of what is going on (just the lack of work, your husband has been ill, they don't have to know with what...) they tend to ease up. you will have to pay eventually. but i found this to be helpful when I felt like I was drowning.
Please keep coming back. We love to hear what is going on with you. Never worry about the length.
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**Everyone is doing the best they can from day to day**
thank you sooooo much for your replies.....his mom is well aware of his addictions. She has been the only person who I can talk to. My father in law is a recovering alcoholic for over 35 years...still attends meetings today. She has been thru all of this before. It is much harder with this happening to her son. She seems to talk a good game to me then gives him whatever he asks for. I am hoping with us moving in....her and I can stay strong together. That is what he needs. Not for us to enable his bad habits.
As far as the hallucinations he had...I do believe that it was from the coke. Who knows...I dont think he cares what kind of drug it is. He would try just about anything. So I wouldnt doubt it if he mixed it with something else. I have seen him on coke before that and he never acted that way before. Who knows....sometimes it seems like he is living a double life.
Financially...he is planning on claiming bankruptcy and has been consulting with an attorney. I am hoping for a fresh start...not many people have an opportunity like we have been given. I look at it this way...it cant be much worse than the way I am living now. As harsh as it seems...this can help ME get back on MY OWN FEET. If it doesnt work out...I should be in a better position to be out on my own. I am so proud of myself for looking at this situation in this manner. I would never have thought I could in a million years!!! Yeah for me!!
My heart breaks for you Danielle. And I wish a hug could make it all better. ((((((((((((((((((Danielle))))))))))))))
Come back here often, go to local Al Anon meetings when you can, and keep remembering it's not your fault. So often we can become guilt-ridden; don't fall into that trap. If you have a good relationship with your Mom and Dad, by all means confide in them. And even if they have their own problems, if there's a hug for you, accept it.
I do wish you the very best.
With great caring, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
