The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am examining steps 4 and on, recall two explanations previously offered to me, and am confused.
My former group therapist, 40 years in AA, assured me that feeling bad for having committed an offense was not required, or even preferable. Merely wishing that one had acted differently was sufficient. He was openly trying to preclude "guilt" from properly attaching to the offense. His phrase was "remorse and regret." That description sounded promising to me, so I suggested that what he was describing sounded like regret, where was the remorse? He was adamant that merely (and only) wishing one had behaved differently was what 12-step groups prescribed. My second resource, a woman with 30 years in Al-Anon, went little further. She asserted that he was right, but one needed to resolve not to repeat the offense.
My read of steps 5-8 says that one should actually feel bad for having wronged another person and be motivated by those feelings to make amends in step 9. We teach our children this way. When Little Johnny gets caught stealing a cookie, we don't want him to be sorry that he got caught, we want him to feel bad that he disobeyed his parents. When Sally is caught hitting her sister, we want her to to feel bad that she was hurting someone she loved, not sorry that Mom broke up the fight.
I asked my second source what was meant by making amends over and above resolving not to commit the offense again. She firmly said that one only "amended the behavior" by not doing it again. That can't be right. Isn't the first act of the repentant drunk who puts his fist through the wall to patch the hole?
You are not missing anything. Perhaps the confusion is only in the delineation between what is "sufficient" and what is "ideal." Situations where amends are due are hazy. I can see that guilt would not be productive if the offensive behavior was truly just because the person didn't know any better and now they do. We need not beat ourselves up forever for acting in ways that we didn't necessarily know better at the time. I still think it's ideal to feel some remorse though even in those situations. HOWEVER, there are some things that I don't feel bad over because I know I was just a stupid kid when I did those things. No need to continue to feel guilty that I cut off the hair on my sister's Barbie 35 years ago....or situations like that. If I felt guilty over that still at this point, it would be unproductive and neurotic.
NOW, I do believe that for many actions committed while under the influence....yes, some amount of guilt is helpful to me. It is when the guilt turns to SHAME that it becomes unhealthy.
I think the longtimers in the program are telling you that guilt and remorse are not so important because steps 4 through 7 are ACTION steps and it is the ACTION that is more important than the thoughts and feelings. Hence, to actually change and stop doing the same offensive crap over and over again IS more important than just feeling bad about it. Many of us alcoholics sat around forever feeling like crap about ourselves and our behavior...didn't stop us from continuing to do it. So yeah...action is more important in that regard.
