a challenge to joint prayer time - Al-Anon Family Group

drywit44 · Member

a challenge to joint prayer time

DavidG · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh boy... your 'dry wit' nym, was well chosen hopefully...

my God has an impish sense of humour so right now that ought to be a bit of chortling over there inside of the pearly gates... biggrin

Ah guess we try hard not to offer advice here, just our own ESH... having traversed Anglican, Presbyterian, a dash of Catholic, a slice of Tao, plus [taking a deep breath] pentecostalism... what is there left?

My own life was a mish-mash of experience, and desperately needed work- hence the relentless search! wink .

I think being relaxed, and being ourselves in God's presence is the answer... I gave HP an open invitation to call at any time, really...

...the prayer is working, obviously...it is not a contest... and I am sure you know all this...

today I think, and believe that God is always most present in the present...

...thanks for your post, my friend, and the chance to share... smile

DavidG.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Alanon is a spiritual program and not a religious one. We accept and recognize that there are many spiritual practices that enable members to connect with their spiritual selves.

Taking time to pray in silence or meditate to together is great . I believe just like the chapter 9 meetings this must be an individual practice.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Although prayer styles and differences between married couples is an outside issue to Al-Anon, the one thing I relate to in your share is being pushed to do something that I am not comfortable doing in any relationship. Your wife's faith tradition is one I grew up in. I understand to some degree what might be behind her encouraging you to join her in praying aloud with her the prayers that are meaningful for her. I also understand your faith traditions to some degree and how your prayer form might differ from hers.

In Al-Anon, if we are not comfortable saying the Serenity Prayer or the Lord's Prayer as it is spoken in our groups, we don't. If I'm not comfortable doing something because it doesn't work for me, I am free to say no and to set the boundary that works for me. I won't allow someone - no matter how much I value them or our relationship - to push me to do what I know is not right for me. My relationship with my HP is mine and mine alone. No outside force or influence can make me believe or trust what I don't. The more I am pushed, the more I'm sure the other person isn't all that comfortable with their relationship with their HP and want my agreement with their beliefs or practices.

This may not be the situation between you and your partner? It is something I've experienced in my lifetime and what I've learned I need to do for me while still respecting the other person's understanding of their HP and what is a spiritual practice that works for them.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

You have received two great responses already...mind set them. My first marriage ended because the addiction was religious fanaticism which is an addiction of the worse kind. I know where you are coming from and feeling and for me when I felt that I had to surrender to the moment and keep my own practices especially my conversations with the God of my own understanding. I worked the question "Do I have to be someone else in order to be your husband" until the more than subtle "yeses and demands" became offensive to our relationship and then I went to save my own sanity. One thing (of many) that I learned was I didn't have to believe or even act in the manner which "she/they" directed. The is no law fact or ethics which rationally says I have to unless what I am doing is seriously harmful. If your wife is having a problem with your belief system which you had when you married she might handle it with her Al-Anon program because we have solutions. It is important to inventory if it is your problem or her problem. You have solutions only for your problems When I first joined Al-Anon they told me "We are not a religion and if you work the steps religiously your life will change". That made all the sense in the world to me and I now weave both religious practices together for my benefit and the balance of my relationships. You came to the right place for dialogue. Keep coming back Religious stories are great metaphors and lessons. (((hugs))) smile

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with Betty and Grateful....alanon is not exclusionary re: religion....meaning we are INclusionary, we say "God of our understanding" which can be any Higher Power that makes that person feel that they can go to that Higher power for peace, guidance, inner strength....we never go into any specific religion b/c all the others feel excluded....in this program we have pretty much all faiths and even some agnostics, and atheists so to respect ALL religions or lack thereof alanon just doesn't "go there" in specifics

that said...one part of your share kinda related to me....I have had others try and tell me how to pray, my cousin 1st. cousin was a big one...i am native american in my spirituality and she differs..she is baptist, i think...anyway, she wants to tell me how to pray, and i REFUSE to do what does not work or feel comfortable for me

praying is such a personal thing, relationship between one and their maker, unless you are exactly on the same page...no differences, this praying together might not work, if she is gonna try and push you to pray a certain way....i would just say "no" that part of the prayer does not work for me...

i guess this is why i walked away from organized religion b/c there is too much "my way" stuff to it and that does not work with me.....I live and let live in the religion thing....what another wants to do is FINE...Go for it!!! Just don't push it on me...

sometimes this program is my God.....God to us is a lot of times G-ood O-derly D-irection.......a lot of us interpret God as that......

its good to want to do stuff together, but religion can get really dicey unless the people are EXACTLY on the same page....Never understood why one thinks that their prayer type is the only "flavor"

Anyway, I invite you to take what works on my share and leave the rest.....

aquamom23 · Senior Member

I did a 12 step coda recovery programme as part of a group once, and I was soo uncomfortable with holding hands while we said the serenity prayer. I asked my group if we could not hold hands. They were obliging. After a time, I felt hand holding would be nice. So we did. For some, not holding hands had felt strange. I truly appreciated us all considering each others views and feelings. Having understanding made me feel safe where previously the serenity prayer felt too intrusive. Spiritual connection is such a personal thing. Maybe you guys need to talk about whether and how you can share it? Peace to you dry wit.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Matt. 6:7

My relationship with my HP is my own. It is from my heart, not some repetitious thing. So I would not feel comfortable at all praying out loud with someone else from even someone else prayers.

I have never seen we are to pray for or to anyone but the creator.

As others said it seems more like you are standing up for your own feelings and someone is not respecting that.

For me my relationships with my HP,my animals, my son, my doctor etc are totally private. I mean how can it really be from your heart if it is not from you? OR saying amen in a meeting to a prayer if you agree.

Again it seems like a lack of respect for your beliefs and feelings!

You are not in the same denomination, so there are bound to be differences. Spirituality to me is very personal, not something you can really share. One can share the same religion and morals.

hmmm good question. We who have been hurt by the A disease, get real tired of them sucking us dry. We learn to take care of ourselves and not allow the disease's power over us anymore. I can see where your strong feelings have come from.

Also am thinking this is pretty selfish of another to treat you like this. MINE is right, yours is not....

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

"I'm aware of research that shows that married couples who have integrated religious lives show higher levels of marital satisfaction and substantially lower rates of divorce." I would question exactly what this means. It seems as if you are following a rule or belief that couples have to pray out loud together. That may not be - in fact probably is not - what the research means by 'integrated religious lives.' I would guess that 'integrated religious lives' means you respect each other's devotion, probably attend the same church, but maybe both just truly respect each other's church. Praying in lockstep seems like asking for trouble, since so many people have different ways of praying. So I would question whether you really have to pray with the exact same words - even if you pray at the same time. Trying to force an 'integrated religious life' sounds to me like one way to reduce marital satisfaction and raise the rates of divorce!

Marriage is also about flexibility, compromise, and understanding. So maybe she would benefit from understanding that you don't pray at your best with words supplied by someone else, and you would benefit from understanding that the two of you don't have to do everything religious simultaneously, together, or out loud.

That flexibility, compromise, and understanding is what I would guess helps people integrate their religious lives in the first place.

I think if I were in this situation, I would encourage both people to be who they are spiritually, and then look for commonalities that would be enriching to do together, rather than trying to force something on both of you. And not to feel bad or endangered if your spirituality happens at different times or in different ways.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Mattie:

I just MUST say that your post was GREAT!!!!! I totally agree with what you said....You did a wonderful job with this...Just wanted to say that smile smile

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree completely with Mattie. My wife and I have had challenges praying together, and we go to the same church! The challenges really do come from not respecting each others' beliefs, and usually the beliefs that are being disrespected are pretty minor ones compared to the actual purpose of prayer, whether you pray out loud, have a call/response, etc.

I hope you can find common ground on this, and on your previous posts.

Kenny

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.