Well I am finally able to share some of my experiences on the message board! I sincerely enjoy reading all the things everyone has to say and find much solace in it. It is so good to know that I am not alone, and that my situation is far, far from being unique!
My A is my boyfriend (ex??not sure yet). I have two kids from the last relationship I had with a different one, a drug user. He was only into weed but I hate it, and it really gave him a bad temper, and relationship was abusive, distant, etc.
I met my boyfriend when I was 15 and we fell so deeply in love, felt like we had a connection so deep...I was with him for 2 years through thick and through thin, lived with him in a bus for most of it, no running water, wood stove for heat, etc. I had a nice home to live in if I wanted it, but stayed with him instead in the hopes that we could work our way up. I am a 'builder' I love to make progress and build things up to get better and better. I wanted him to come with me in the jouney to make a nice life. We both drank a good deal when we could, but I went and got a job and encouraged him to do same, which was a failure.He got one job in all that time and then quit within a week. Disappointing.
I eventually left as the situation was hopeless, and I decided I had to go back to school, but always loved him still. It was heartbreaking. I met the father to-be of my kids eight months later. He was everything my ex boyfriend was not, had his own place, same job for five years, seemed very responsible. I thought, "now here's someone I can build with". I lost sight of the fact that I did not really love him. I promptly had my two children and began the business of finishing school while raising them. My relationship turned out to be very lonely. I would not smoke dope nor allow him to in the house, so he chose to spend every weekend and evening with his friends. I spent eight years alone, raising my kids. When he was gone, I was lonely, when he was home he was an emotional tyrant, never knew when he would erupt and over what.
During all of those years, my ex boyfriend would call every so often (every 6-8-12 months or so) just to talk and, in retrospect, keep his foot in the door. One day I agreed to meet with him when the kids were gone to school. That was the end of my marriage.
It was overwhelmingly good to have someone say "I love you, and I always will", "You are so special to me" and actually hug me with two arms, look into my eyes like that. I could not bear my marriage one more minute, so I ended it that week. A couple of months later, my boyfriend moved in with me and the kids. It was awful, and wonderful. All of my emotional chasms were getting filled up, yet we had no money, no jobs. I started building again.I enrolled in university, and six months later, so did he. We lived ok with the kids on student loans. All was going along well except one thing. He was drinking too much. He has a problem with it, and I set about to 'fix' it. I have never had so much patience for anything in my life!
To cut a long story short, and I know that everyone here can probably tell ME what I went through, as it is always the same with an A, I kicked him out, took him back, and again and again and again.
Now he is out again. He has graduated to being a binge drinker, will go six months or so, not a drop, but then POW. It sneaks up on us and the same issue is back. It is sooo disappointing. I still absolutely love him so much, feel such a kinship with him, but this created a wall of suspicion and mistrust and fear. He is not a nasty drunk, he is an annoying, useless one. I cannot bear to see him drinking, because he becomes someone so unattractive and disgusting and stupid that it kills the love I have for him. It makes me angry at him for not caring that I am disgusted by him during those times. Who would not care if their partner was disgusted with them? No one would want that! I confess I don't understand that one.
I have given up a long time ago trying to 'fix' him. I still love him madly. He plays all of these emotional manipulation and blackmail games with me. He has been the 'lost little boy' and desperately needs my help to get well. That one didn't cut it. He has been asking to sit down and really iron things out, like a 'responsible adult'. I don't believe that one either. He said he might move far far away to another province, because he cannot bear to be in the same town with me, hurts too much. I still did not invite him to come back. He has related the awful stories of the situation he is in with the people who he is living with, I told him he should get his own place then. It goes on and on, all the while with text messages on my phone like, "I have made a terrible mistake" "I love you sweetheart". He hung on for almost nine years, while I had two kids, got married, etc. and was still there, still loving me. That kind of unconditional love is rare, and extremely attractive, and I find, just about impossible to turn away because I am needy.
The most gawd-awful thing about a binge drinker, or maybe any A that you love, is that it is easy to say "GET OUT" to them when they are drunk or 'dry drunk', but the most difficult and unfair thing in the world is when you have to keep saying 'no' a thousand times to them when they are being the person that you love.
I am trying so hard now, to love myself, and receive support, and just stay in the land of "I don't know". I am trying to work on being alone, and liking it! Just so I don't have to remain vulnerable to the feeling of despair that can come from it.
I hope that he gets support too, for HIMSELF, and told him so. Please pray for me, and for him, that healing will come and that things will get better.
Thank you for reading. Hugs to all.

Sweetums