The material presented
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Well, since what he said yesterday (what I wrote in my last post), I haven't heard from him again regarding it. But he did call my friend today and to her he sounded a bit annoyed. He wanted to know what I wanted to do, and she said that I didn't know, I was very confused. Then he said I was holding the kids hostage from him. She went off on him because how could I be holding the kids hostage!!? He is in another state and has made no attempt to come back as of yet. Maybe something happened, or this is a head game he's playing, or he's worried he won't get to see the kids, so he's using this to get to me. I don't know, but I'm sick of this story just continuing to develop day after day after day.
Well dear lady, I have followed your story from the beginning.
Now you yourself said,"I don't know what to do." Well there is your answer. Right now you don't know what to do, so don't do anything.
That is scary how much your parents are doing. Sometimes parents think if they help us they can control our lives. I had to sit down with my mother and talk about boundaries.
Considering your A's insanity from Aism do you really want this around your kids?
If he is serious, maybe he will move back and get his own place and work on getting himself well to have something to offer you.
None of it is up to you. I liked what you said about actions speak louder than words. There is nothing wrong with you setting up your life to be able to live with out your A. Then if he does come around, you don't have to depend on him. Just enjoy him when he is ok.
Just becuz he is sober ten years does not mean he won't relapse the next day. So getting your life secure for you and the kids is vital anyhow.
You would not have to be scared of the no security thing that Aism brings.
I have faith in you and am so glad you cont. to come here. Your parents love you and kids so much. I wish more families helped each other.
I am learning little by little with the program of Al-anon to stop trying to figure out the alcholic in my life. The truth of the matter is I will never figure him out, his motives, games etc. I am learning to just breath my way through, apply the tools of this program and try not to get worked up, because the truth of the matter is that whatever comment, action, behavior etc, that I am allowing to get at me and make my life unmanageable is 100% likely to change in the next day, hour, even 5 minutes. So why get worked up about it. He is doing exactly what alcohlics do. He is trying every angle to wear you down. My a does this too, Why? Becuase he is an alcoholic and that is what they do. I have found that if I can set a boundary or a goal and stick to it then I get a little stronger. I see my own efforts paying off for me and it gives me the strength to continue in my own recovery and focus a little less on my husband.
Have you read Just for Today. I will often take not one section but just one line and focus on lthat for the day. Progress, not perfection. Each little step is a step in the right direction out of this insanity of this disease.
I think what you need to do right now....(someone told me this once and it really helped) stop whatever your doing and do something RIGHT THIS INSTANT for you. Be gentle with yourself. Things will happen when they are supposed to, we can't wish them to happen, or force them to happen. Hang in there, your doing great.
Be kind to yourself and sit tight. Nothing has to be permanent, there is always hope that you two can work things out, but right now he is the one who will have a lot of work to do.
Don't drive yourslef niuts trying to predict what he means, it sounds like he himself haas no idea. After everything that has happened, he cannot expect you to do anything right now. It is his turn to step up to the plate and prove it if he wants his family back.
I know the A slanders me to others because he has told me so. I do not expect him to be balanced in his view of me or present me well to others. I used to be totally devastated by that. I no longer am.
I have had to work super hard on my abandonment issues because the A certainly knows how to trigger them.
Do you go for counselling I do now. I have had a mixed bag from it but I keep looking and being "willing' and acknowledging I need help. That gets me along the road and focused on self care a and a process. I know when I go back to work (which cannot be long since my unemployment is running out) I will not have as much time but I need to build up some insurance.
Why not give yourself some resources like people in the program, counselling, child advocates and more. I am sure you need help on mitigating the guilt of dealing with the A around them.
I have pets and I have had a great deal of guilt over the effect the A's behavior and my own behavior has on them. I notice when I am fearful and preoccupied it affects them. So for me a huge part of my amends to them is structuring our lifes and taking care of them. The A does none of the care of the pets but I let that go for now. Focusing on it got me nowhere. I acknowledge it but I do not focus on it. I think it is very hard to work on what needs to be worked on and many many people will try to tell you what to do. I know I still get incredibly irritated when people try to control me when they hear about the A's bad treatment of me.
My issue is to keep focused on me, my self care and my plan a,b,c,d. Do you have a plan. Make a plan for the next day, expand it to a week then expand it to a month. Pretty soon you will have a plan. When the A comes around with his chaos and craziness you will have the ultimate distraction of the plan. He can try to hate bomb or love bomb and you will just go right back to the plan. I find the plan very very helpful in keeping focused on me and not straying into resentment at him. I have plenty to be resentful about but I choose not to focus on it. I acknowledge it but I do not focus on it and I do not deny it.
