The material presented
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Hello all. I have recently found my way back into the rooms of Al-Anon after many years. When I was in Al-Anon back then, I went to meetings regularly, but never had a sponsor. I have no idea how to find one. Can some of you who have a sponsor offer some guidance? How does this work? Do you meet one on one? How do you ask someone to sponsor you? And what if you don't see eye to eye?? I am very nervous about opening up to someone I really don't know.
Its suggested that we ask someone to sponsor us who has what we want. I have only had two sponsors. Each of them were right for me at the time I asked them. We didn't/don't always see eye to eye and to me that is a good way to learn more than I could learn just thinking the way I think. Talking things over and reasoning things out always helps if both people are open to truly listening to each other and trusting the suggestion to take what we like and leave the rest. I don't expect my sponsor(s) to be God or perfect. I do trust that we are both working our programs as equals in the fellowship and there might be occasional challenges but that is true in all relationships. I am incredibly grateful to the sponsor I had and the sponsor I have. Both have heard things that were hard for me to speak or to articulate and helped me do what I needed to do according to Al-Anon principles. I have gained much more having a sponsor than not. I hope you will find someone in your group that has what you want and are willing to help you work the steps.
Thank you, Grateful. Would you be willing to share how you went about asking someone to be your sponsor? I have only been to 4 meetings... is it too soon?? I hardly know anyone, and am still feeling like the new kid in school.
It took me quite awhile of watching. The first person I asked turned me down. The second person agreed. I just asked each woman after a meeting if they'd be willing to sponsor me. I had spent time with them both in meetings and outside them before I asked them. The second sponsor I watched for over a year and also heard within me a desire to practice the program more and learn more. I simply asked her, too, if she'd be willing to sponsor me. I wouldn't have asked any of the woman after only 4 meetings. Some people might. It takes me awhile to get comfortable enough with someone to ask them to sponsor me.
Me too. I'm finding that making new friends as an adult is challenging. I have kind of isolated for a long time, keeping my work friends and personal life separate, as I think many of us in Al-Anon do. So I find it hard to ask someone to "be my friend". Even asking someone to go for coffee feels horribly awkward. Not sure how I will ever work up the courage to ask someone to be my sponsor!
I'm pretty picky. I don't lack courage as much as I don't want to entrust myself to someone who isn't consistently working a program and isn't fairly consistent with their behaviors. Living in the chaos of alcoholism was enough for me to want to be in relationship with people who aren't chaotic or sporadic in their program work. I have really been blessed with having very good sponsors who I also knew would tell me no if they couldn't or didn't want to be my sponsor. If I couldn't trust them to be honest with themselves on how much energy they could devote to sponsoring me, I couldn't trust them with sponsorship of me. All three women I chose demonstrated an ability to be honest with themselves and therefore honest with me. Even if after we began the work together something came up for either of us which required us to let go of the contract we had agreed to with each other, I also trusted we could be open and honest with each other and leave the contract without leaving the relationship mad at each other. Sometimes, even when each person is doing their best together, life happens and sponsorship changes need to be made. I had to trust that if things couldn't continue for long-term, I could and would find another sponsor that was right for me and that the person I asked would also be okay with a change on their end.
(((((Mango))))) Just couldn't help jumping in just because I love mangoes. Mango sherbet, green mango pickles, mango and soyu with salt and pepper, ...everything mango hmmmm yummy and now you're here...LOL. Sponsorship for me was and still is a trust relationship. The program says we are not perfect and have no guarantees and so for me the first attraction was similarities of experiences with attraction for changes they learned and practiced. I was a loner and isolator when I got to program and didn't hang with a lot of people. I wasn't deaf then and I wasn't into more problems than I already had coming from the disease of alcoholism and drug addiction. I broke the number one rule regarding choosing a sponsor (men on men and women on women) and picked a woman right off....Of course I got fired because I chose her thinking I could get her to work my program for me. She led me to the sponsor I credit for doing the best ground work with me and at first I didn't even like him...wasn't anything like me or where I was from. Anyway long story short the program had me throw away any excuses I had against working the program and getting recovery. Don T worked the program as directed and had a sponsor He also knew when I was doing positive work and useless work and the outcome of course was that by watching and listening and duplicating his work I changed. That is really how it happens...we stop "our" program and get on with "the" program. Don was honest even about his value in my recovery as he instructed me to "find and use whatever I could to gain and maintain my recovery" including others in the program....and including sponsees when I reached the point of sponsorship myself. From his instruction I built a sponsorship group which when Don wasn't available for what ever reason I would call another "sponsor". Don approved of the relationships and I grew well in my own recovery which today includes being a "double" (a member of both programs).
I love miracles and most of all I love being close to miracles. The closest I get is when a sponsee's life changes for the better and they learn how to move away from the cunning, powerful and baffling nature of the disease and earn a life they would not surrender for anything in the world..
Yes similarities between me and my sponsor make the relationship most special including Higher Powers and ethnic backgrounds and then I didn't have those similarities with Don T...what we shared was what became the Experience, Strength and Hope of the Al-Anon Family Groups. Today he is physically passed on and spiritually and mentally totally alive in my life still.
I started by watching and then making the mistake and then I took a suggestion and watched (listened with my eyes) and listened with my ears and then I took the chance on acting on what was suggested to me and then I had a sponsor. Being oppositional and defiant was natural and normal for me when I started with Don and I was taught that I was afraid and didn't trust which is normal for children of and spouses of our disease. What Don told me was "its okay to be afraid and to make the changes in spite of it".
Listen with your eyes and ears and practice some of the things they do that work for them and then ask. Good luck and keep coming back..(((((hugs)))))
