The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
If you all remember my past posts, you'll remember it's been a huge mess. Remember, my AH wanted a divorce and wanted to start his life over and live in Arizona away from us (Colorado), he had been out there working and had a relapse. He never came home, lost his job, went to a detox/hospital moved in with some AA guy he met there and was doing outpatient rehab at night, and found a new job during the day. He seemed to be enjoying the single life and living it up until he got served with child support papers a week ago.
Well, i have a contract on my house, we close on March 10. My parents have also sold their house, which was paid for so that they could help me out financially and move closer to us so my mom could help with the kids. My dad is very forceful and a very overbearing person, you never ever stand up to him, he is ALWAYS right. He absolutely hates my AH now and will do anything to keep him away. I haven't even spoken to my AH for over 3 weeks now, although he has called and left stupid messages here and there, and lied about things, etc etc.
Now suddenly, he left me a message yesterday on my cell phone. He said that all the things he said before weren't true, that he was trying to get me to hate him because he couldn't go on hurting me or the kids anymore, and that he needs to talk to me bad because he is dying without me. He also called my childhood friend and said the same thing to her so that she could relay the message. He wants to come back, he wants me to take him back, etc etc.
I feel as though I'm at a point of no return, because my parents are so involved, they are changing their lives to help me, because he left us. He's barely been sober 2 months, how could I take him back right now after all he has done?? He left us high and dry. I'm just wondering if this is some sort of pity thing he's going through, if something happened out there, if he's afraid of my dad forever not letting him around the kids, or if he is true in what he's saying. I think actions speak louder than words, but in the mean time, my house is sold, and I have no where to go other than where my parents put me.
My friend who has known us forever believe I should just take him back. She says we have such a unique relationship and she knows how much we love each other, etc, but the fact is, he is very very sick with his disease, and obviously, since he left and planned on starting a new life in another state! That's why I think something major must have happened to him for him to suddenly change his mind???? I don't know what to do.
Well, I certainly can't tell you what to do here, but I am interested in what you are feeling. Take the parents out of the equation. What would you do. Take away everyone else's opinion. Remember, what you want to do and what is best for you are not always the same thing. But when other people start complicating things, it just makes it harder. Your family will still love you no matter what you do. As for your friend, while you may have a unique relationship, no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. My heart goes out to you and I am wishing you strength and support. And remember, you don't have to decide this today. "I don't know" is a perfectly reasonable response.
__________________
**Everyone is doing the best they can from day to day**
If my parents weren't involved, of course I'd give him another chance. I wouldn't let him move back in right away, I think therapy, councelling and his actions over the course of how ever long it would take would be where we would go from there/here. But nobody knows my dad. He is an ex-marine, ex CIA, you name it. And his way is the only way, and you don't ever cross him, you don't correct him, he is ALWAYS right, and he has been very excited that this has happened. He'd knock my A off if he could live with the guilt. So this is a huge wall, and the only thing I think is that my AH would have to go through him, prove to him and win him over, because my AH left me no choice but to turn to my parents for help.
Hmmm. Are you moving in with your folks? Is there any way for you to have a place on your own? If not, maybe tell A that if he wants to be with you, he needs to pull an equal share of the rent or it is simply not possible. That is, afterall, reality.
__________________
**Everyone is doing the best they can from day to day**
2 monthes is not a very long period of time. Maybe you could both get seperate apartments (you and your A) in your area both participate in AA and Alanon and see what unfolds. Continue to work towards financial independence from your A husband and parents as much as is possible. If he is serious these changes should be ok with him. Maybe after all the pain and anguish he has distributed to you and your family, he will be willing to earn your trust through actions.
