The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When the disease is fed an audience, it will want more.
On some days reality and sanity don't play well together. Yesterday was like that for me. I visited my parents in the nursing home. I was approached by my Mom's nurse who said that my sister spent several hours with the nursing home clergy sobbing about what a lousy sister I am. The nurse apparently wanted me to set things right. I feel like I'm too old to still have to be dealing with sis's abuse. The ol' "woe is her routine" never seems to lose it's appeal and draws a crowd like an amazing circus act- or like a car crash that everyone needs to see. She's a dangerous person- both physically and mentally, but she's garnered a crowd to feel sorry for her... because it's always about her. Mom's dying and she has to make this about her too. It still makes me angry when she speaks ill of me- I broke my years long silence with her a few weeks ago when she called me.
I answered her call, gave her my cell number, spoke with her at length but disengaged when she wanted to ramble on about her woes ... the same woes I've heard for decades... bankruptcy, divorce, etc... well, she has yet to file for either. It's been many years since I've given her money- I can only afford to feed myself these days and I am not and was never responsible for her extravagant spending habits that exceed her budget. Anyway, I thought from my side of the street that it was a loving conversation that provided the emotional support she wanted- I responded thoroughly to all of her texts in a caring manner. The only thing that I did not accept was her invitation to join her to dine out for dinner. I don't have the money to dine out and I am not looking for embracing her that way- I don't trust her and with good reason. ... despite the lovely conversation, she's still complaining about me and people are listening and feeling sorry for her. I don't know why the nurses are telling me that they feel sorry for her and they want me to do something- but they don't say what- and I tell them that I don't know what my sister's talking about- tell them about our last lovely conversation and that she's diagnosed with mental illness since early childhood . Then, it feels like I'm being accused of dropping the ball on my sister's mental illness. My Aunt and Uncle are angry with me too. It's almost like my family wants to have dinner with me so they can abuse me more and get angry when I politely bow out. Is having dinner with family a requirement for being a good sister or a good niece? Nothing else? Everything else?
I feel like texting her and saying that its sad that she continues to badmouth me even so shortly after our lovely conversation. I want her to be accountable and I am powerless. So far, I'm not engaging, but I do need help processing my anger. I wonder if the nursing home will decide to ban me as my Mom passes based on my sister's lies- or if the clergy will sit me down to force me to suffer from my sister's abuse.
In this same visit, my Dad had his first meltdown about my Mom's decline; he asked for a hug but then would not let me go for a long time- saying that if I stopped hugging him then I we could never be together again and we wouldn't be able to see each other. He became so agitated when I tried to step away that it took a team of staff to help. They gave Dad a sedative. I was shaken- I envisioned my day going very differently. Mom was also not having a good day either and as I was leaving heard one of the nurses say she has a fever. I know she is super dehydrated and is not likely to become hydrated enough again in this lifetime, as apparently her wishes were to only receive supportive treatment and not sustainable treatment. Her body is too weak and frail to recover from a fever- I know that infection has already set in from the scent of her breath and body.
On my way home, my lawyer contacted me, as my exAH is bringing me back to court with more bogus allegations. I thought my 16 years of being hostage in the court system had ended with a court order this past July that in my favor reinforced the divorce property settlement. Returning to the court system will mean being assigned yet another new judge and a whole new opportunity for the exAH to play his games.
It was a very long day- and I returned home in the early evening- went to a yoga class and I'm grateful that I slept well last night. I'd love any support and suggestions in general and with respect to processing my anger, please ... I know that other people aren't going to change and I want to find a better perspective to get through this difficult time.
Just got off the phone with my sponsor and realize that I was still trying to accommodate my Dad's wishes for me to forge a good relationship with my sister. Now I know that I have done the best that I can and I can let it go. Thank you for letting me vent. I will spend the holiday time how it serves me best by taking good care of myself and letting go of expectations that I've placed on myself or that other's wanted to place on me. I am feeling more at peace now.
I am glad you were able to connect with your sponsor. You have a lot happening to you at one time, Bud. Be gentle and loving with you, and to the best of your ability, be with those that need you most. I don't know all of the details, but it seems the staff is getting too enmeshed in your relationships. After having worked in a hospital for many years, I understand the unhealthy dynamics. Take good care....
Thank you Paula. I'm glad to be back to feeling more centered. Thank you for the interesting observation and great focal point regarding my being with those that need me most. This helps tremendously! I think the staff wanted me to help my sister find a good medical care- and yes, it's beyond my reach as much as it is beyond theirs. I can pray. Thank you for understanding! I'm grateful.
Dear Bud this is indeed a difficult time for you and your family . Please keep sharing and taking care of yourself. I agree giving the disease any attention just encourages it so that detachment and focusing on ourselves is all important.
This is what I think: The nurse had no business sharing with you what your sister shared with her. I'd treat it as heresay or I'd ask the nurse why she is bringing you information that is clearly none of your business?
As far as your Dad goes - my Dad wanted the same thing for me and my sibs. I promised him what helped bring him peace. I also knew that there was nothing I could do to change the behaviors of my sibs and as long as my Dad was living I would focus on him and him alone and let the others behave however they did or would. I wasn't responsible for how they thought, felt or behaved. I just knew my Dad was sick, that he had lived his whole life for his family, and that believing we'd be there for each other after he died was something that could comfort him as he did the hard work of dying. My sibs could have come in with guns pointed at my head and I would have sat still as a mouse with a smile on my face in his presence. I wasn't being a martyr about it. I was choosing to do what I needed to do as his daughter and as a person who had loved him for him his whole life. My Dad had seldom asked me personally for anything and if he wanted me to stand on my head for him - I would have found a way to do it. Not as a reaction but as an act of love. Dad is gone now. There have been a few moments of angst for me in relationship to sibs and his estate, but I have continued my promise to him by refusing to react to things that are not to my liking with them. Fortunately, my sponsor has been a big help to me. In my mind I treat them as people who exist on the same planet who I know for the most part don't like me and don't get me and won't ever. Doesn't matter anymore. What matters to me is that I have done my best and given my best and Dad died in peace and with the experience of me following through on my promise to him. What the others did was up to them. While they were sleeping after drinking or sleeping because they needed rest or sleeping because they didn't want to come in town when Dad was dying, I was at his bedside loving him and being who he needed me to be to him at the time. The others missed out on that.
As far as your Mom goes, my prayers will be with her, with you, with your Dad, and with your sister.
As far as your AH goes - seems to me this is a bigger issue than one healing woman can endure - especially now. Maybe this is something you can release into your HP's hands and let your HP work in it and on it while you do what is most strengthening, comforting, joyful and peaceful for you?
What an awful lot of stuff to be happening right now. You are doing the best you can do and you have my prayers and my support.
Im sorry bud, its an awful situation and crazy behaviour seems so inappropriate during this time in your life. Its good your aware of it all and your not voluntarily sitting down to be abused. Keep your boundaries and watch your back with your sister she sounds sick.x
Thanks Betty- always a great support. Thank you for the encouragement, validation, and prayers. Sometimes I think I overwhelm people because so much is going on- now I realize that this is more of my bad thinking and not fact.
Thank you for the visual Grateful, I will hold it with me and do my best to keep focused on the most important things. I was not paying attention to the hornet's nest until it got stirred... but it is what it always was... it's just there as a hornet's nest and I don't have to make it more complicated than that. I guess there will come the time when I'll be in close proximity, and I will need to be mindful that they are not what is important. My Uncle handed my sister 100% of the tangible portion of the estate to my sister (and she is still sobbing about how she has nothing, etc. I wonder what moldy basement my childhood photo album will rot in, or if she just tossed it in the garbage... I digress...). My point is that after focus on time with Mom and Dad is over, I need not worry about additional or further interaction with my family of origin... a blessing. You're so right, giving my exAH to my HP, who is equipped to handle him.
Thank you elcee, I guess I haven't felt sorry for my sister in a while. I'm just numb. I can pray for her, but I know that she has choices- she can choose to get help, she can choose to stop blaming me for every bad feeling she encounters, or even more importantly, because this has unfailingly showered her with attention from people who aren't initially aware of just how sick she is. Most of my life I didn't feel I knew how to sufficiently watch my back; I hope my program tools are sharp enough to meet this challenge.
Hi Bud
Thanks for sharing.
I was wondering why non-family members are involved in personal family matters.
I agree it's best not to react to gossip and also not to gossip back. If somethin isn't someone's concern I try to say "I'm gonna move along now. I have some things to do." Takes courage. But that way i avoid drama.
I also stay away from text message.
It's ok to give Dad a hug. I don't know your history with him of course but this is what came to me.
Families can get really stresses out dying a parent's illness and I know it's hard. I wish you and yours peace and comfort.
I'm sorry bud.
That's a lot at once! I especially relate to "It's almost like my family wants to have dinner with me so they can abuse me more and get angry when I politely bow out". They do say that the more we set boundaries the harder sick people will try to change us back to the way we were before; maybe your sister is trying new tactics to push you into responding in an unhealthy way? I am sure that is why certain key people in my life seem to be acting crazier and crazier around me the more I detach and set boundaries. I am choosing to see it as a sign that I am on the right track, and the changes in me are real enough to be a threat to sick crazy ways of thinking!
Hugs anyway. It sounds as though you are handling it wonderfully.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
((((Bud)))) Tough Love and Doing the best you can with what you have is what I hear and I am impressed with how you're working it. Its about progress and not perfection...you're getting better at letting the crazies just move past you. God did I ever have to learn that myself and to take off my Velcro coat so none of it got stuck on me. You're the one in the right program and they are in the program you use to work which didn't work for you and isn't working for them. I love your share for examples. Examples where what I learned from. Maybe some of my tantrum practice would work for you. Find a safe place where you won't hurt your self or some one else or caue a ruckus. Stand still and make yourself ready...loose. Then jump up and down and pump your arms up and down and around and stomp the ground and grunt and yell and shake your head...for about 15 seconds or so and then stop. Stand still, straighten out your costume and your hair and then go on about your business. Do as often until you learn to just let the small stuff roll off your back. As you know, It's all small stuff. ((((hugs))))
(((bud)))) sorry about all the drama. You've had quite a day. Good that you took care of yourself by going to yoga. Hope you'll give yourself the down time you need so you can regroup and regain your strength. You and your family remain in my prayers. T
P.S. Staff at nursing homes are busy people. I doubt they are buying her stuff, they more likely want you to reel her in so they can do their jobs without being bothered by her. I think you handled it well.
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Just got off the phone with my sponsor and realize that I was still trying to accommodate my Dad's wishes for me to forge a good relationship with my sister. Now I know that I have done the best that I can and I can let it go. Thank you for letting me vent. I will spend the holiday time how it serves me best by taking good care of myself and letting go of expectations that I've placed on myself or that other's wanted to place on me. I am feeling more at peace now.
i agree with sponsor...some relationships are so poison, one has to let go.....you don't owe your peace adn sanity to anyone......its sad about your sister's horrible problems, but it isn't yours to absorb....i think you did a great job, trying.......you did do your best...and you are in recovery which is testimony of your desire to be healthier, more loving, more peaceful......and vent any ole time....we are here and we are listening.....so sorry to here your mom is fading....so very sorry ((((((((((hugs)))))))))
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Thanks WorkingThroughIt, I agree that negotiating family matters is complex enough without outside input. Good reminder to back away from gossip- no matter how well intended, it's still gossip. I hope to be blessed with sharing many more hugs with my Dad. (he was afraid to let go and I felt badly for his fear and agitation).
Thank you MissMeliss, Yes, I had become too involved to see this clearly. Now that you mention it, it does seem obvious that my sister is using and escalating what tactics she think would drive me to my knees in submission because she's trying to diminish my boundaries. I like the perspective of I'm on the right track and that my changes are real.
Thank you Jerry! Thank you for the great feedback and reminder to leave my velcro outfits at home! Yes, I think I'm in great need of tantrum practice- it's my turn! Oh, and I'll be sure to bring my tantrum mantra with me in my Alanon toolbox, "It's all small stuff".
Thanks TT, I can see I was taking it personally and you're right, the nursing staff would prefer calm over chaos. I'm so grateful to be aware that this is not my problem.
Thank you Neshema, I like how you word that I don't owe my peace and sanity to anyone. I'm so grateful for support to be on a positive track.
Oh, and I'll be sure to bring my tantrum mantra with me in my Alanon toolbox, "It's all small stuff".