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It took me a long time to admit that I had experienced some horrible things as a child growing up in a family affected by alcoholism. In Al-Anon I found a safe place to remember the past and to face it. As I began to accept the truth about my past by writing in my journal and talking about my memories, some members of my family suggested I stop what they considered excessive reflection and let bygones be bygones. Even a few well-intentioned members of Al-Anon asked whether I couldn't live just one day at a time. Yet as long as I hid from the emotional realities of my history, its unresolved poisons seeped into each new day.
________rosie________yeah, me 2....i was in "denyal--stuffing feelings---numb mode" for decades i think.....when i was in my 30's the horrible , uncontrollable RAGE came out....my divorce set it off...i guess i should thank my EX for setting it off so i could at least discharge it even if it WAS not directed where it was supposed to........here, i was able to have a safe haven to discharge it....and discharge it AND discharge it more...like 18 months worth...raging and venting ......i too, journalled, talked to safe others...and yes, my family said to me "why cant U just FORGET it????" yeah, right!!! forget decades of mental/emotional illness for what he did..."let bygones be bygones" SURE!!!! just stuff it and go on right??? well that is what drove me to drink/ drug/ over eat, becuz i was trying to "forgive and forget---let bygones be bygones".....i am here to say that UNTIL i was able to work through ALL the intense emotional pain/ grief/ outrage/ anger/ hurt/ PAIN--- i could not even THINK of "letting bygones be bygones" people who say stupid / insensitive things like that did not live the depraved / horrifying life that i was forced to live by my OWN father----someone who was supposed to love/nurture/protect/HELP me!!!! and as long as i had **unresolved** issues, it would be there...whether i liked it or not.........
_________rosie____make no mistake, i would BEG my hp to give me "amnesia" to let me LET IT GO....but i first had to work out the horrible memories, first the anger, than the tears, and TONS of tears, 14 hour crying non stop in the beginning.....than the ACCEPTANCE of the changes it made in my life...the ENORMOUS losses...too many to add up....but i had to come to ACCEPT.....and than to "make the best of it" whats left of my life.....i think the HARDEST part for me was the fact that life doesn't necessarily "pay u back" like "damages recompensation"....whats gone is GONE!! i think that was the hardest thing for me to accept...that perhaps i won't get my "recompense" till the after life!!! THAT was hard.....NO "workman's comp" for me here....
To live fully in today, I had to come to terms with yesterday's circumstances as well as my reactions to them. Facing the feelings I had stored since childhood didn't change the facts of what happened, but it *did* change my emotional climate. Because my good memories didn't have to compete so hard with the bad ones, they began to unfold in my consciousness. Now I'm free to move forward and to take responsibility for the attitudinal and emotional responses I choose today. As I make new and better choices and allow my Higher Power to guide me in making them, those awful events of the past become a much smaller part of who I am. Thought for the Day Facing the worst of my past opens the door to remembering the best of it, too, creating room for serenity, wonder, and joy in my life. "Denial is broken when we quit hoping for a better past, accept the reality of that past, and set about creating a different present." *From Survival to Recovery*, p. 68
__________rosie______yes, this is what i had to do too.....come to terms....."work THROUGH" the imense pain....."thawing out" the feelings i had "stuffed" since the abuse and later incest began.....now i can see myself moving forward....taking whats left of my life and making the best of it......like i know i will always "walk with a limp" but i will accept and make the adjustments i need to to have a full life...i know i can.....now i am free to take responsibility for me....my attitudes..my LIFE!!!! becomming REconnected to my HP as i understand it has helped me too....."listening" to my inner voice...my christ within......
_______rosie___my past does not haunt me so much any more...in fact, i am thinking of what i can do to take care of me TODAY rather than ruminate on the past......i can never forgive an unrepentent evil doer who was pleased with the pain he wrought on innocent victims, but i can quit hating him.....hating him takes away from my loving ME he is not worth hating and cursing---i trust that the creator of all the universe "took care of him for me"....i came to the point where, i realize BELIEVE that what he did to me and god knows how many other victims, was returned to him TEN fold.....what we do to others, we do to ourselves.....hes been taken care of...his name erased from me, physically, and from the "book of life"....
________rosie______so, my belief that he was "disposed of" in the just way , leaves me free of craving any revenge on him....he becomes more and more "forgotten" by me as far as my life NOW goes.....when old anger does creep up and it still does?? i just beat the chair, tell him he is OUT of my life--- ERASED from me and anything good, and i say "satan be GONE".....than i go about my business....and U know what?? i can now remember GOOD things that happened to me in the past....my loving aunts and uncles--cousins--grand parents--- things that i enjoyed-- people who made me happy.....i don't recall just the evil, but now i focus on the positive things/people that were also in my life......
______rosie___ this being able to "remember the good stuff" has shown me that satan didn't have the power to torment me 24/7....he does not have the omniscience of GOD....he is not omni present either---- so i DID manage to get some good......and now i cam remember it.....the bad no longer takes the center stage.....oh i will never forget what happened, but i CAN reverse the evil and turn it into something good........
