The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi everyone and thanks for access to a group I feel I will learn alot from. I am a 40yo single woman feeling anxious about going home for Christmas to my alcoholic father.
He explodes with rage about small things and is verbally abusive to my Mum intermittently whenever I visit them together or they visit me. He is a farmer and has had some very big hard knocks. He drinks from sunrise to sunset except on the days when he drives an hour into town to pick up another 2 cartons.
I only live an hour from them, but have had to distance myself from them in the last 4 months due to a broken ankle and simply not being strong enough to handle their drama. I usually can put an invisible shield up and ignore it but pain (ankle pain) has changed my resilience. Ironically they believe I am a drama queen for setting boundaries and explaining to them both why I couldn't be around them (mum has OCD, low level Aspergers and anxiety) etc.
Last year I asked Dad to not drink on Christmas Day as Christmas was at my house and due to a prior alcohol-driven incident only a week before in public which embarassed our family. He respected this but was in a bad way (down).
I only live an hour away from my parents and my brother, sister and niece are not coming home this Christmas. So it will be me Mum and Dad. I don't want to leave Mum alone with Dad for Christmas but I really don't want to go home either as I still feel I am not strong enough. Guilt for not going home, anxiety for going. I live on my own at the moment so i would be alone at Christmas too if I chose to not go, or hurt their feelings if I went to my happy functional aunty and uncle who live on a property next door :) I love my father and mother but to be around them sends me into a depression for a couple of days. I would appreciate anyone's sharing on their similar situations. Thank You :)
Holly111 wrote: Ironically they believe I am a drama queen for setting boundaries and explaining to them both why I couldn't be around them (mum has OCD, low level Aspergers and anxiety) etc.Guilt for not going home, anxiety for going. I live on my own at the moment so i would be alone at Christmas too if I chose to not go, or hurt their feelings if I went to my happy functional aunty and uncle who live on a property next door :) I love my father and mother but to be around them sends me into a depression for a couple of days. I would appreciate anyone's sharing on their similar situations. Thank You :)
Hi Holly....welcome to mip family......i am reading your post and remembering when I first got into recovery and began setting my internal boundaries which, of couse, i shared with certain others..."this is what i will accept----this is what i won't---this is what i will do if this behaviour continues" etc. etc.....and I was the drama queen, i was the bitch....oh yea, negativity hates change and it despises one who wants to break free of it and REALLY change...for the better.....oh yea, negative energy will fight to stay alive in our lives....but with repetition, persistence and self love/care, we can triumph........are there any face to face meets in your area??? it would be great to hear about you going and getting around healthy folks and working this program which i see from your post, you would be a good bet b/c you WANT to do what is right by you, but you have guilt about them
lets talk about that guilt.....if your daughter or niece came to you with this story "Gee they make me depressed for days going to see them, but i just LOVE to be with uncle and aunt who make me laugh, i enjoy.....but gee i am the bad guy for not wanting to do this *obligatory* thing with not so much fun mom and dad....gee what do i do??? are they really more important then me?? and how long do i put my needs and wants on back burner b/c I *owe* these folks????
what would you say to that?? if your kid or niece/nephew told you this scenario?? would you tell them "oh yea, have a terrible Christmas b/c it is your duty???" and who says you owe them anything if they are not nice to be around???? where as aunty and uncle are loving and sweet, dont' THEY count??? and MOST important dont YOU count?????
I know, we children of dysfunctional families thing we gotta pay and pay , sacrifice and sacrifice more and for WHAT??? to dread another Christmas next year????
It this were me, I would just say "gee, mom and dad, I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas, but i am gonna go solo or hang out w/friends or do something fun and different....I will not be going to your house.....Going there just doesn't work for me right now"
you don't have to justify your right to take care of you...don't have to argue your point......don't have to defend your right to peace adn happiness and the pursuing of it, nor do you have to explain WHY you want to do something different........Go whre the fun/love/joy is....Christmas is a celebration of joy and peace and love......GO where you are LOVED and where you can find smiles and happy thoughts.....
IF , by some reason, you get sucked into going for some odd reason, you feel you have to go...remember....that door to their house swings both ways....IN and it swings OUT!!!!!
me??? uncle and auntie better have lots of food b/c i am not shy when it comes to the feed bin......Just saying.......Glad you showed up
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Welcome Holly I can so identify with what you are experiencing and can understand your pain and indecision.
The Holiday Season is a very difficult time of year for many people and that is why we are planing on holding round the clock on line meetings here on Christmas and New Years.
Alcoholism is a progressive chronic, fatal disease that can be arrested but not cured. We cannot control it, or cure it. The best we can do is to learn how to take care of ourselves in a constructive manner.
Alanon is a recovery program for those who have lived with the disastrous affects of this disease. Face to face meetings are held in most communities. It is here we learn to break the dreadful isolation caused by covering up for the disease and receive the support we need to recover.
Going to visit your parents on Christmas is an important decision. Maybe you could visit for a hour or two. bring cookies and visit and leave I found this worked well for me
Keep coming back and please find a meeting and attend There is hope
