The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been in Al-Anon now for over 5 years. I have seen and felt the most growth in the past 2 years and over the last 6 months have come to a much closer relationship with my HP and have learned to trust him and turn things over and actually not snatch them back! LOL.
Until this week. I need to speak with my sponsor but she is unavailable and I am not sure if I can speak to another member because the problem I am having right now is with a member of my home group. So I question whether speaking to another member would be considered gossip or breaking anonymity. Small group so she would be easily recognized and right now my head is in no space to "neutralize" the story so she would not be recognized.
My home group had a business meeting last night and bottom line my feelings were hurt by a member. I feel shunned by this person. Started about 18 months ago and although I thought I had truly turned it over to my HP it keeps coming up. I have told myself that I don't know what is going on with her outside the rooms and I must have compassion and understand that it is probably not about me at all. However last night she contradicted everything I had to say. On at least one point she was correct in what she was saying and I promptly admitted to being wrong and apologized to the affected parties. But it just kept going on. At one point she "huffed" and grabbed her coat as though to leave but apparently changed her mind. She cannot seem to meet my eyes in a meeting anymore and will only call on me to share on anonymity, slogan or sponsorship if she has no choice. I have done my absolute best to push all of this aside and treat her as I always have but it is getting more and more difficult.
I know that I have some responsibility here but I am not able to figure out what I have done to be treated this way. It is not my imagination, which I thought at first, it truly is happening. I will be honest that I got so hurt by my perception of being humiliated, embarrased, made to feel stupid, that I had to bite me tongue and put on my happy mask to be able to finish the business meeting and then cried all the way home. I even went as far as to tell myself that I wasn't going back to that meeting...let HER deal with it all by herself! There is not a wealth of recovery in that meeting right now as we have lost a lot of old timers in the past year or two.
I apologize for the length of this sharing but I needed to get some of this off my chest(cuz it is causing me too much pain). I have not even been able to share the majority of what I have felt and what has been happening.
Has anyone ever had anything similar to this happen to them, if so what did they do. Really, really, really need some ES&H today!
So sorry you are feeling bad. Everyone has at one time or another had issues with other people. We are all in pain and no one is perfect. I don't really know what to say to you in the form of advice. Maybe you can speak to this person alone and try to work it out between the two of you? If that is not possible than maybe it is best for you to not be so involved with the group for awhile. I have been an al-anon member for 2 years and I have only attended a business meeting once and it was by accident. Some people are harder to get along with. That is why our program states that we have to place principles above personalities. Maybe there is something in her you see in yourself and you do not like it? I have found that to be true for myself anyway.
Hi Jem - I have been where your at too and after tying many times to come to terms with the attitude comming at me for no reason that i could see, i talked to my sponsor so we focused on the principles above personalities and the closing of our meetings.
finally after alot of discussions with this particular person and putting up with her crappy attitude my sponsor said too me . Louise some people have neither principles OR presonalities so I just lauged and let it go.
You may not like all of us but u will love us in a special way . We don't have to get along with everyone we meet in our rooms but i can tolerate anything for an hr *meeting* I don't have to go for lunch or coffee with her but know that if she needed help i could listen to her if she called.
That took me awhile trust me !!! Perhaps she is jealous of where your at , there is nothing worse than when someone ina room is getting happy and it's not them . Be polite and respectful and leave her problem with her where it belongs .
Wish I could share some s and h (oh, that sounds rude, without the e!). It is the experience that is imperfect, you see, sigh.
I too have an issue with a fellow member. We both do some service work - I co-ordinate material sent from head office - which means, I receive requests for speakers etc and ring up the local service person.
My alanon friend does not like this arrangement - she wants me to post everything to her (at my expense). She wrote to Head Office, not once, but twice. She does not realise that her actions probably caused Head Office to think badly of me. Each time we meet - she is nice to me, offers me lifts, but, I can hardly bear to look at her. I know what Abby says is true, but, and it is a big but - this person has shared things in meetings, I dont want to say anything which might lead to her becoming depressed or whatever. And, the thing is, she just does not understand - she does not understand that she has caused trouble for me, and, she does not understand how alanon works. So, I know it is not alanon - but, I avoid her, as much as possible.
The other thing Abby said is also true, if this friend rang me, I could certainly listen to her, and do my best to offer her the Alanon program. The truth is, she will probably never ring me - she thinks she is the alanon expert!!!! (Ok, I know that was bitchy, but......).
All of our slogans and tools help me in this situation - certainly principles above personalities, but also, take what you like and leave the rest.
This probably isn't helping you much, but, you know what? It feels good to air all this bad feeling and hurt!!!!
So, thank you for posting - when you bring up a topic, usually you will find help, but, you can be sure, it will also help someone else.
I understand also. The thing is not to let this interfer with our ability to listen and grow. I have a person who at one time made the hair stand up on my arm when they walked into the meeting. I'd pray that HP would let me hear what I needed to hear and if it was something that she had to say, that I would be open to it. Sometimes I think I was praying during the whole meeting . She still attends, but I don't have to pray so much. You see, I'm okay with me and even though this person does things that push my buttons -- I've learned I really don't have to like her, but have come to love her for the good things she brings to the meeting. (now that I can see them )
There was once a woman, not 5 foot tall, that I knew couldn't stand me, or so I thought. She was strong, older and had much time in the program. I couldn't stand how I was feeling so one day I walked up to her and said "You intimidate the hell out of me." She looked at me and said "must be my German upbringing" -- Yep, that was about it. A big part of me still wants everyone to like me. Who knows why she doesn't care for me. I've looked a myself to see if I could have offended her etc. so that if there is something that I need to correct in myself I can. I didn't find anything apparent. So am I going to change myself to make this person like me, NO. But by doing what I did, it made it better. She seemed not so intimidating -- maybe she was trying not to be, I don't know. Maybe I just felt better knowing I did what I could.
If you feel like it will help you to talk to her, do. You might be suprised at how she responds. You may get a brief statement like I did that resolved nothing and answered no questions as to why. Just be ready to accept whatever comes.
Be polite and respectful and leave her problem with her where it belongs . 
. She still attends, but I don't have to pray so much. You see, I'm okay with me and even though this person does things that push my buttons -- I've learned I really don't have to like her, but have come to love her for the good things she brings to the meeting. (now that I can see them