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Where did I go wrong....... On Friday morning my A who has been sober for 5 weeks and in a pretty good frame of mind started an almighty row. I could'nt find the keys and he heard me cursing under my breath that was the start of it, I was'nt cursing him just muttering wheres the sodding keys. I then got told I speak to him in the wrong tone, say the wrong things, cant balance my life between work and home, I look at him in the wrong way, dont appreciate anything, must not shout at him yet he was bawling like a mad man at me, I spend to much money etc etc etc. It was all the usual stuff he would say when drinking and with as much venom.
Instead of not reacting I just broke down in tears saying how sorry I was and I would not do these things again, although I am very careful of what I say and how I say it. The row continued until late Saturday afternoon when eventually his mood passed. By this time all I had done was cry and sit staring into space I felt exhausted, but accepted the fact he was ready to make amends. I am annoyed with myself for not standing up to him for letting him hurt me so much. I am finding it hard to change the way I have been for the last 6 years, I wish I could be harder and not react.
At an al anon meeting (my fourth) on Thursday night, I was told there was such a thing as dry drunk. Is this the behaviour of dry drunk and when do they start to recover.
Sorry if this does not make much sense but helps just writing it..
You did nothing 'wrong.' In fact you did something right. You realized how you don't want to repeat past behaviors and this is the first step towards change. 5 weeks into sobriety is not very long. Not long enough for the alcoholic to act 'sober' all the time. That is an expectation you need to work on. It is a program of progress, not perfection. For both of you. I'm sure it took more than 5 weeks for you and him to get into this position, don't expect it to take only 5 weeks to get out. I've been sober for 2 1/2 years and I still have ups and downs, progress and setbacks. Non of us are perfect. Don't be so hard on your self and move forward.
He'll start to get better when he starts working a program, to deal with the actual disease, not just the 'symptom' of the drinking. Even then, as Lou says, it's a long road, a matter of progress, not perfection. Here's a link to a reading on dry drunks, might give you some insight.
You know in my case this is often the cue for me to get overinvolved with his life again. Oh only when I am making him the center of things will he back off me. Now when he does that picking on me stuff I just back off say nothing, take nothing personally. He started on that yesterday when I said nothing he stopped.
I do know that I would be upset and totally hypervigilant if I did not have this room. At the same time I would also say that he is not loving, not caring, not kind, not interested and not even remotely concerned with my well being. But I do manage my interactions with him better. I am no longer as bitter about that he is not remotely interested in me and my issues and what I am doing. I get that love, understanding and concern here.
Hi Penny , makes perfect sence to me. When the A starts nit picking and being unreasonable he is looking for a fight a reason to go and drink and one m ore time can make it your problem ,but only if u let him. Never forget your not the reason he drank in the first place and u won't be the reason he drinks again if he chooses too. WE are simply not that powerful to make anyone drink of stop.
If you have any of our literature especially the ODAT our small blue daily reader go to page on July 14th that page changed my life , i used it like a map on how to change my reactions to what was going on around me. do what it says to the best of your ability and your life will better.
PS You did nothing wrong. think about it loosing a set of keys for a few min does not usually get the kind of reaction u described. this is not your problem.
