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Another sleepless night,doing the usual round of "what if's?" and brought myself up short by telling myself that I can spend days or weeks or months analysing where it's all gone wrong.....but the end result is I am where I am....I KNOW how I got here and no amount of "wishing things could have gone different" is going to make a jot of difference. "If only he had done this" or " if only I had done that" is actually NOT going to change things.At one point I found myself actually wishing I could hate him for the way things have turned out. The truth is he is an alcoholic DAMMIT!!!!! Hating him wouldn't be any healthier for me than loving him has been...and the plain fact is that I got myself in this mess through my own defects of character. My marriage for 29 years was to a manic depressive/control freak,my second relationship some yrs later started out so brilliantly I thought I had died and gone to heaven only to find I was with another control freak who turned out to be a jealous psychopath who almost killed me. !8 months after I escaped from him I met and fell head over heels in love with my A. He liked a drink but it took me until I had upped sticks and moved location to spend the rest of my life with him,before I realised that he didn't just like a drink-he was addicted to the damn stuff!!!
It's now time for me to take a good hard look at myself to discover why I allow myself to be attracted to the underdogs of this world.Hell,my profession was working with emotionally/behaviourally disturbed adolescents!!!!! Talk about taking your work home with you????
AA guy phoned me and said they had returned to where A has been staying and told him of my decision. He cried but said that he absolutely knew in his heart that I had meant what I said and that,although he hoped and was praying that I would have a change of heart,he wasn't surprised by my final word.He told them that he will never,ever forgive himself for destroying this relationship and that I deserved much better than he could offer me. He's angry as hell,but not at me.
The AA guys have chipped in together and bought his bus ticket to Istanbul leaving tonight for him to stay with his sister. It IS his only option for the time being.There is no work for him here during the winter and with no money he can't look after himself.Once it gets to the end of March he can start looking for work to support himself.The sad fact is that the majority of people here work in the tourist industry,most of these jobs offering a roof over their heads shacking up with the rest of the staff in one small room sleeping in shifts on roll up mattresses on the floor.It's Turkey and unfortunately that is the norm here.I'm not happy about it,but he had a lovely home here and didn't really appreciate what he had. He isn't unintelligent,just not very well educated.He managed to support a wife and child and run his own paint and parquet floor business before the marriage went wrong,his wife took their child and he started drinking and lost his business.He hasn't seen his daughter for 9 years.He "specialised" in bar work from then onwards.
I've made a list of things I need to do around the house to keep me occupied.Ruby(my puppy) keeps me on my toes.My daughter has posted me a good book.I spoke to my son last night and he said he was glad I had decided to stop letting my life be controlled by inadequate and needy men.His wife is newly pregnant(4 months) and we had a huge scare last week when she was rushed into hospital with a blood clot on her lungs. She is now home and things seem to be progressing well.I'm going back for the birth and to help out in the early weeks after the baby is born. Meanwhile,time for me to get to grips with my character defects and teach myself that whilst caring is a valuable asset-in my case it's actually destructive to my well-being.
Thank you all for your cyber hugs and support.I didn't get to this point on my own and couldn't have coped as well as I have done without your valuable advice and "coaching". ((((((((((BIG HUGS TO YOU ALL))))))))))
Incidentally,to answer some of the fantastic replies to my posts(for which I am SO grateful) I asked AA guy about the 90 days of sobriety before actually embarking on the programme? He said that here,they only ask the A to abstain from alcohol one day at a time and to concentrate their efforts on only that for the first 90 days. Then they start to introduce the actual programme. I guess it's just the way they do things here....and can't help feeling that my A would have fared better if he had had something concrete to hang on to and keep him busy during that 90 days?? To be fair,my A did have all the AA books ( I bought them as soon as he committed to going to AA) and they sat on the bookshelf beside the laptop,whilst he played backgammon all day. I only mentioned the books once when he complained he was bored and I had actually managed to get use of the laptop.He told me he would read them when he felt like it and to mind my own business....which was pretty much the response I expected. I presume it's the old adage "you can lead a horse to water...but you can't make him drink?"....well....unless the horse has a good supply of beer I guess????? I have put the books in his luggage so what he does with them can only be as HE chooses.
His Mum phoned this morning.She doesn't speak English.She's the only decent female in his life now and struggles with her own problems with her husband(An A). I told her A is getting the bus tonight to his sister.I told her I loved him very much,but we have a very big problem.I told her I loved her too.She replied that she understood and that she loved me very much too.
Your share absolutely touched my heart this morning. On the one hand I want to jump up and down in excitement for your new life because trust me, if you keep coming and keep focussing on you and knowing that you deserve the very best life has to off, it will happen. Many in program say "my picker is broken." With a good strong program for yourself and the ability to focus on you and your life and what makes you happy, things absolutely will change. On the other hand, I sigh at yet another life gone awry due to this damn disease. I too struggle with the "if onlys." And other families life affected by this disease too.
Know that we are here for you; stay strong; keep the focus on you; enjoy your upcoming birth in your family; cherish your daughter; spend time with your family. As the child of an A, the one thing I was angry at my Mom about (my dad was the A) was that 1) she was so focussed on the drinker that she did not have much energy left for us; and 2) that ultimately the @sshole broke her heart and she stood by and did nothing. I adored my Mom who did die of a broken heart. As a child, I was completely powerless over what either one of them did.
Keep coming and keep posting! We are glad you are here.
yours in recovery,
Maria123
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
I've been following your posts. I'm just not good at responding. Just want you to know I am thinking about you. So sorry you have had to go through all this. You are so strong and courageous. Thank-you for sharing your experience, strength and hope with all of us.
Your post has me grinning from ear to ear. While you have gone through so much these past few weeks, I have never been more proud of you. You have handled it beautifully and with great strength. You have absolutely done the right thing. You are taking care of you and Ruby. You are taking your life back. You will only get better from here.
I am so relieved that your childen are better, and I can't wait for you to see your new grandbaby. You're going to be an awsome grandma!
Keep doing what you're doing, and you'll be just fine. You have great strength, courage and wisdom to get you through anything.
Live strong, Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I dunno Chris I don't think I get into anymore how a program is worked somewhere. I am not an alcoholic. I can't really say how someone should do the program. I do know that AA seems to work for some people however they work it and the opportunities in the program are awesome. I also know that some people in AA seem to be able to do it remotely without meetings whatever. I think its a quesiton of willingness. For some people the bottoms are very very deep. For others the bottom is death.
I know even in this relationship I am in now I think I know what is best for the A (staying away from his family for starts) but maybe he needs to get to yet another bottom. Who knows. I just try to stick to my own side of the street and work on me. I can say I think I know exaxctly what the A needs but obviously none of it convinced him to get sober yet. He has a major illness connected with his drug use that did not stop him either. He always has some excuse up his sleeve. And I of course always had him as a great great distraction from my own stuff which I need to work on within a program and with a program in mind at all times.
I go to plenty of other resources to get help and some of them are online. I think we can all make excuses galore for why we do not get help. I certainly did. I did have the right resources, the money, the time, the people. Yet I can stumble on something like this group and find tremendous help if I am "willing".
I used to drown in feeling sympathy for my A and then rescue him from it. I rescued him so many times I could not even stand up and he punished me for it over and over and over again. Then I stopped rescuing and he became very angry and belligerant and rejecting. He always wants when he wants and is incredibly manipulative and I did my own share of maniplating and screaming and fighting.
Then I surrendered. I do not know what will become of the A I live with whether this disease will kill him or not. I do not really know what's going on in his life actually. I have given up trying to decipher the lies and the truth and his options and what is his situation. I just keep to myself. I no longer obsess and obess and obsess about what he will do how he will do it and when he will do it. Its up to him he has after all his own higher power. He is here for a reason just the same way I am.
I hope you manage to get detachment from what the A is doing. He will survive he got this far I am sure he has a few more aces up his sleeve yet. I am not cold and unfeeling but I know I absolutely totally exhausted myself as you have feeling far more for the a than I did for myself. I have to say I doubt my A ever had one sleepless night over me. He always fell back on his feet.
I asked AA guy about the 90 days of sobriety before actually embarking on the programme? He said that here,they only ask the A to abstain from alcohol one day at a time and to concentrate their efforts on only that for the first 90 days. Then they start to introduce the actual programme. I guess it's just the way they do things here...
Chris - I picked this out of your post, as there seems to be some confusion around this one... ALL AA groups will take a person right away, some without even 1 day of sobriety (it's not that uncommon for people who are drunk to stagger into an AA meeting - it isn't optimum, but very few AA groups would turn someone away).
The "90 days" refers to a period of time where newbies in AA are typically recommended to go to "90 meetings in 90 days", when they are first joining in.
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
ok, a lot to digest at once,,oh dear odat. You should know that my father was heavy A for 30 years until he found AA. Don't know whether he did it or they did, (only know we didn't--we had tried everything else--wrong!) Leave it up to AA, your hubby, and Hp. Prayer helps..and I will pray for you both. By the way, my father was sober until his death at 81, 30 yrs. of sobriety. Outlived his friends.
I just want to send you ALLLLLL the Love and ALLLLL the Strength that I possibly can, hon.
*** Keep Working the Program. Keep Coming Back.
I hope to see you in chat when you can be there. The guys and gals here and in your Group will get you through this.... Let your Self see ( and feel ) just how much your friends in Alanon (the Group) truly care so much about You and your peace. Your happiness. Alanon is a great foundation of friendship and love. I am thankful to of met You. Your a personal inspiration to me , and I hope too... to be to some of that for You
Many in program say "my picker is broken." With a good strong program for yourself and the ability to focus on you and your life and what makes you happy, things absolutely will change. On the other hand, I sigh at yet another life gone awry due to this damn disease. I too struggle with the "if onlys." And other families life affected by this disease too.
