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This may be a controversial topic but I just wanted to canvas some opinions. I made a decision for myself a while ago that I would not drink at all in the house. My AH is an active A but most of the time he too try's hard to not drink in the house. I suppose my motive at the time was that everytime he asked me if I wanted to drink with him & I said no, he'd not drink too! I know now they were wrong motives, but to an extent it works. Then we have weeks when it creeps in again, he gets wasted at home & is then completely mad at himself!
whilst 99% of the time I'm completely happy not to drink at home, there are occasions where I feel I'm the one missing out! Like my birthday or Christmas where he''ll enjoy wine or a sherry in front of a Christmas movie but I don't, or when I've cooked a really lovely meal, he's downed 2 bottles of wine & I'd just like A glass with my meal!
How do others manage this? Clearly I'm not letting go enough coz I somehow think by me having the occasional drink I give him the green light to carry on!
I don't care if I drink or not. I also know I can't stop an A from drinking. They'll just hide the booze somewhere no matter what I think about it. We are powerless over the disease and the A. They'll drink whether we do or not. My son is an A and several of my sibs. None of them drink because I drink or don't drink. They're alcoholics who drink because they're alcoholics.
When I lived with my AH I tried to have boundaries about drinking. I told him I didn't want him drinking beer in the morning. He finally stopped doing that. Then I told him don't come to bed with alcohol on your breath. He would do it anyway. I have found that no matter what I requested, he would do what he wanted. Boundaries don't work with an A unless we follow through. In other words, we should not make threats we don't intend to carry out.
-- Edited by Newlife girl on Thursday 20th of November 2014 01:24:02 PM
I found that teetotalling in order to "encourage" him not to drink did absolutely nothing to lessen his drinking and made me very resentful.
Yes, if I had alcohol at home he would use it as an excuse to drink but, if I didn't have alcohol at home he had no trouble finding other excuses anyway and those were usually my fault too. I really had absolutely NO influence over his drinking whatsoever, as you noted in your last sentence!
I think if our spouse was really committed to recovery and we had agreed on no alcohol in the house, that would be a wonderful agreement and worth honoring but, when it comes to abstaining because we think this will somehow influence the habits of an active A...I think this is really deluding ourselves and kind of volunteering to play a role in their self-delusion too.
In actual fact, I got sick of him saying he drank because I did (if I had 2 beers he would have 24 and call it even) so I abstained entirely for around 6 months and he drank noticably MORE during that time and kept trying to entice me to join him. I think he saw a "no alcohol household" as a kind of challenge he needed to thwart, not an encouragement towards sobriety (although it was his idea, he suggested it when he was hung over and very remorseful).
Anyway it's for you to decide but I think as you note, you are powerless over his drinking so it's best to just make decisions that are right for you and you alone unless you reach a point where you can confidently make agreements with him that you can both honor together. That's difficult, maybe impossible with an active A.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Tash I agree with what has been shared by others. There was a time I enjoyed alcohol, wine, cocktails, after dinner liquors but after living with the disease for so many years I have grown to see it as a source of my pain and sadness and in no way enjoyable.
I don't drink because I think it is a dangerous depressing drug and it no longer has any charm for me.
I don't care if I drink or not. I also know I can't stop an A from drinking. They'll just hide the booze somewhere no matter what I think about it. We are powerless over the disease and the A. They'll drink whether we do or not. My son is an A and several of my sibs. None of them drink because I drink or don't drink. They're alcoholics who drink because they're alcoholics.
Hi Tash
i agree with this....i drink or not drink but its MY decision and about ME..not trying to influence and Alcoholic....when i was married to A#2, the nice one, i did try to "control" like this, not drinking..it never worked so i began to have a beer or glass o wine when i felt like it...he was gonna drink no matter what i did and now that i am in recovery, i drink LESS, but thats my choice...for me....now if i am out in a restaurant, i like a cold light beer , waiting for my dinner, or if i go to a party, yea, a couple of beers then give me the food,...but i do it for me...I can't influence another and in MY home, I do what i want...as long as i am not doing harm to another creature, it is my right to do what i want, when i want in my own home....
Just saying.....GOOD question....I am glad you brought this up b/c i am sure i am not alone, trying to "influence" my former spouse not to drink.....nothing is gonna influence an alcoholic but recovery and they gotta want it.........
I like what Betty said to you about alcohol causing me so much pain, it turns me off now....My sentiments are similiar.....with the exception of a beer b4 dinner or a beer or two at a party, that stuff gave me so much pain, it is a turn off in that i just don't want to travel down that road anymore.....i used it at one point to self medicate/numb my pain, but now, i can do w/out it and be FINE......i got my goodies for the T/Giving dinner i am going to make and there is no alcohol.....I don't want it........thanks for the great question.......keep coming back...this program is a miracle.........IN SUPPORT
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
For me and the people in our home, alcohol is not part of what we do. I recently hosted a wedding with grooms and guests who are alcohol enthusiasts. I had gone to a resale shop and bought enough wine glasses for each of them to toast. As the guests left day by day, one of the remaining people saw me throwing one of the glasses away instead of washing it. Seriously - I was challenged for putting in the trash something that does not get recycled. (Glass isn't recycled here.) Hey what about all the bottles they had emptied? I didn't justify it. I just do what I want.
I will weigh in on this from an alcoholic's perspective -
It didn't make squat worth of difference if there was alcohol in the house or not when I was active in my drinking. I would go get it, brink it home, sneak it, drink it in the car, drink at bars...whatever. I would get my drink on...regardless....period.
Now, when getting sober, there was a period where I felt it was unsafe to my newfound sobriety to have any alcohol in my house. So I didn't. I wouldn't have been able to live with someone that drank in the house in front of me at that stage and that was about a year or two I guess.
Currently, at 6 years plus sober, we do have a liquor cabinet for when we entertain guests, there is always some liquor in it. I don't take note or care. I view alcohol the same way Betty does now so that liquor cabinet is pretty much just furniture with stuff in it (might as well be candles or silverware...whatever).
So - the question of whether or not to drink at home. Ultimately it is your choice regardless of where your qualifier is at in recovery versus not in recovery, but I could see more reason for refraining if they were in early recovery and were trying to avoid the temptation. Active alcoholics will use all kinds of denial and excuses to keep drinking. So I would say do what you want. If you don't want to send a "green light" signal than say something like "I am having 1 or 2 glasses of wine. I still think you have a drinking problem because for you, your drinking isn't like that, but I'm not nagging you or harping on it. It's a problem but it's yours to address if and when you are ready." Be honest and say what you mean and then you don't have to worry about games and signals and that nonsense. Straight talk but in a respectful and caring way and if he can't handle it that is his problem. You just be true to yourself.
I do not have alcohol in my home ever, because myself and my children have been so very affected by alcoholism and I want to be the parent that shows alcohol doesn't need to be consumed on any regular basis and life is better for it. I have drank outside of my home on a few occasions over the last several years, but I keep it to a minimum and went 7 years without drinking at all just because I needed to after all I had been through.
It is always your choice what works best for you and your family situation. Sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I agree with the others. When my husband was drinking, if I wanted to, I did. My yearly average of drink was probably 5 glasses of wine (for the entire year) and mostly with friends at their home. In the early years of his recovery, there was not alcohol in our home, now, it would not be a trigger for him, so if we wanted, we could have it. We don't because honestly I think it is a waste of money. I understand your confusion...in time as you work your recovery, you will know that you cannot cause others to drink or not drink. I wish it was that easy!!!
I used to struggle with this also - I enjoyed having a glass or two of wine every once in a while but I would feel guilty (which was stupid because AH was going to drink regardless) about it and felt like it was making AH think I was "ok" with his drinking because I was drinking. my AH drinks away from home mostly, so alcohol at the house doesn't matter either way...however I do have 3 teenagers so I don't keep alcohol in the house anymore (I have already had issues with my teens and alcohol, sadly and I know, like my AH, if they want to get alcohol, they will find a way but it isn't going to come from me!) anyway, I have recently acquired an aversion for alcohol. I guess because it has been wreaking such horrible havoc on my life as of late...anyway I can't drink it. I have no desire anymore. The smell of beer (AH's drink of choice) makes me feel as if I am going to vomit...maybe some day when I'm in a better place I will be able to enjoy a glass of Pinot...
Anyway, Tash, go with your gut on this one...you aren't going to keep an A from drinking because you abstain, so you may as well live your life and enjoy it however you like :)
-- Edited by Fairlee on Sunday 23rd of November 2014 09:48:27 PM
It isn't an issue with me anymore. Before? My family was a drinking family and we drank because we could and once you came to our property you found out where the booze was and the second time you came you wouldn't have to ask or be told and we never ran out and it did it's magic from the first sip or gulp to the last and we drank in spite of all of the insanity that happened the time before and we kept drinking. No one in my family had a quitter and as long as the store was open and we had funds we drank. We drank at weddings for family and friends and we drank at funerals including for those who died from drinking. My family is alcoholic period. I had to go to college to understand the chemical, its properties and affects on the human body. It isn't kool Aid or milk or diet soda. When I came to understand that it was a mind and mood altering chemical each and every time we drank and that it was part and parcel the reason for some of the physical, psychological, mental, emotional and social/civil problems I was having I got into AA along with my Al-Anon program and changed my house rules. Just me...either on or off and my wife and I choose off. It isn't a food source. No complaints since I got sober. 5 years after I stopped drinking I got my natural tan skin color back rather than the sickly yellow green it was for years and I also stopped having blackouts and some dementia...I'm okay with that also. ((((hugs))))
I feel if you want to enjoy a drink in your own home, you have the right to do so.
As a recovering A, it is my responsibility to manage myself and if someone around me is having a drink, it is their business not mine. It would only become my business if they were drinking abusively and behaving accordingly, at which point I would remove myself as I don't like being near drunks!
When I was active in my own drinking, it made no difference to me if people drank around me. It didn't trigger me as the trigger was already in my head, set to 'on'.
