The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As I began writing my Eighth Step list -- the persons I had harmed -- many wise Al-Anon members suggested I put my own name on it. The coping behaviors I had developed as a child had helped me survive the chaos in my alcoholic home. However, these behaviors were no longer necessary. By continuing them, I not only hurt other people but I also hurt myself. I needed to make amends to myself, too. Some of my actions that harmed me were saying yes when I wanted to say no; stuffing my feelings when I was angry; avoiding the people I resented; allowing others to take advantage of the fact that I was often afraid to speak up for myself; and in general allowing other people to run my life either by direct manipulation or by controlling me. It seemed that to make amends to myself, I had to immediately change all these behaviors. However, I realized I couldn't change them all at once. Taking small steps in the right direction would work better than attempting a major overhaul. Gradually I started saying no when I meant it, speaking up for myself when I needed to, and allowing other people their anger without reacting to it. I also needed to learn to forgive myself for the times I felt unable to carry out these healthier behaviors. Today I accept myself as imperfect and allow myself to make mistakes. When I do, I use the Tenth Step to help me forgive and amend my own behavior. I find that the more I learn in Al-Anon, the less frequently I act against my own best inter- ests, and the easier it is to forgive myself when I do. Thought for the Day Am I including myself among the persons I have harmed? "I didn't realize that I had harmed myself more than anyone else." *Paths to Recovery*, p. 86 ----------
rosie____________my name and god's were on the TOP of the list.....my "affect--survival--coping tools" were no longer necessary, but they were sabotaging me--- the need to be in control all the time to avoid the helplessness i felt---- the need to be angry at ME, cuz being angry at the perp scared me------ the need to eat to comfort myself rather than just for nourishment----the need to numb out my pain with drinking and tranquilizing drugs------the need to fantasize becuz life was unbearable----the need to NEVER trust anyone out of fear of more betrayal------- so plenty of amends to me and to god....my cursing and blaming him for my horrible life......i had no sense of boundaries...i stuffed my feelings....i was angry/ and vindictive---NOONE was gonna hurt me again-- i was gonna "pay them back"......i had to "get even" when someone harmed me.....i was so desperate for love and acceptance, i searched in the "wrong places"....got used and abused becuz i had no sense of who was safe/ unsafe--and no boundaries--so i was adding to my already overwhelming resentment.....to make amends to me, i FIRST had to learn that i canlovel/ accept me, that i am loveable/ acceptable...i had hated me for so long....wnated to destroy me, i had to change that but it would not come easily...the inner self sabateur fought me......
now?? i take care of me...stand up for me....work on my self love/ acceptance....set and defend my boundaries....i do what is right for ME as well as the others in my life.....i had to forgive me for all the self sabotaging things i did.....forgiving me for my slips.....accepting me, good and not so good, the total package.....i check my feelings EACH day, and ??? myself, so i can find the step ten item i need to work on...... the FREQUENCY of my slips is improving.....the INTENSITY is still quite high, but a teeny bit better....the DURATION is shorter by far.....the AWARENESS is pretty good....i know pretty quick when the "coda craziness" is kicking in......
Rosie:What a lovely reminder none of us are perfect. I put me on my amends list too and try to make an amends a day. I really do. I also try to live a living amends to my pets who have no doubt been affected by my behavior. They deserve to have a mommy who can be present for them rather than lost in anger or guilt or sadness.
The journey of 1,000 miles starts with but a single step.