I got NO sleep last night. The brain just won't shut down...I guess that's pretty "normal"? after the week I've had.

I'm So grateful for all the love and support my family here have given me.And the cyber hugs are great. I so need a real hug today...and there's no-one to give me one.This morning I got up,sorted Ruby and sat down with a cup of tea and gave myself a good talking to. I read my scripture for today,I said the serentiy prayer over and over.I ran a hot bath and had a long soak,did my hair and got dressed. Then,for no apparent reason I sat down and howled my eyes out!!!! It's the first time I cried and it felt like I was crying for ever.  The pain now is just unbelievable.

I know I'm supposed to focus on myself. I know I didn't cause it,I can't cure it and I can't control it. I accept he is an alcoholic. And I know it's unhealthy for me to obsess about where he is,what he's doing,how he's coping. I KNOW,I KNOW,I KNOW!!!!!!

He hasn't a penny in his pocket.(he spent the bus money I gave him on alcohol) He has absolutely nowhere to go.He only has his parents and sister in Istanbul.He knows fine well they are both unhealthy environments for him to be in.(Both are also A's!!!) When I threw him out last time,it was with such sadness for me because I knew that was the only place he had to go,and I knew just how damaging that would be for him.I trusted God that maybe he actually needed to be there to open his eyes and hit his bottom. He manipulated his way back to me by turning up on the doorstep some months later with his suitcases and telling me"Don't panic,I'm not staying,I just needed to sit with you face to face and tell you some important things." This turned out to be that he had finally realised that I wasn't to blame for any of this and that he didn't hold me responsible for the enormous mess he had made of his life.He said he wanted to see me one last time and tell me this direct as he needed to do that.Ended up asking could he stay a night till his Mum sent him some money and it turned into "Please give me one last chance". He went to AA and stayed sober for 70 days.

We had talked once it was apparent that he wasn't planning on going anywhere.I told him that if he was staying there had to be conditions and I spelt them out. To me they were very simple conditions.he agreed they were totally reasonable. Work your AA programme...treat me with respect....never,ever threaten me...And if there is a problem then we sit and talk it out.If you need help with your programme or you are struggling with anything else TELL ME and we can sit down and try to work out a solution. I don't have much money and he knows that.I struggle to take care of me and I don't have money to spare for much else.Please be aware that I can't pay for luxuries and I certainly can't pay for 3 packs of cigarettes a day for you. He agreed that he would cut down and that he wouldn't ask for more than one pack a day.

Within weeks he was stealing from my pack to supplement his,or asking for money to pay back to other people he had borrowed from.In the end I agreed to buy some tobacco so he could supplement his daily allowance which would be cheaper for me,and that he should use this just to help him cut down slowly. I knew he needed something if he wasn't drinking and wasn't trying to make things more difficult for him.He smoked the tobacco then continued to take mine when he ran out,forcing me to buy more for me and therefore giving him more opportunity to take from me.

I asked him to be mindful of using the house telephone,since I hardly use it and it's more a means for my family to be able to ring me.He used to run up enormous bills while he was drinking and always I had to pay it.He stuck to that for the first month,then the bills rose steeply and I again asked him to be more careful. Yesterday I got a bill for TRIPLE the last months bill!!! (Which is 5 times the cost when I live alone.)

He said it was his intention to get a small,stress free job to help me out with the bills. One day when we were out,I spotted a sign in a coffee shop and pointed it out to him.He hit the roof saying there was no way he would work in a coffee shop as he was not unintelligent and he was disgusted with me for even suggesting it. This coming from someone who hasn't worked in three years?????? His only skills are all related to bar work and I hardly thought that a suitable outlet for him. (But what do I know??) My view was that he was bored at home and spent all his time playing backgammon on the laptop,then depriving me of it when I needed it for my alanon meetings and that even a little money was better than none at all.At least he would meet people and be kept occupied for best part of the day, and be contributing in a minor way to the benefits he enjoyed with a roof over his head and food in his stomach?? Daft notion-I know!!!

18 months ago(BEFORE he wrecked the house twice,smashed the car,landed me with a huge hospital bill when he drove and destroyed the motorbike by drunk driving and sorting out all the police fines to keep him out of jail,stole my bank card and emptied the account).....and yes,I know I was enabling,but in my defence it was pre alanon and I didn't know any better.....I agreed to pay for dental treatment for him. He has a real hang up about his teeth and it would definately have improved his job prospects(when I thought he had any!) and had a beneficial affect on his self confidence. I was willing to help him to achieve that in those days. He never kept any of the appointments,messed the dentist about and spent half the money I paid for alcohol,therefore not getting any of the work required actually done. It's still an issue for him and when he returned this last time,we spoke about it and he agreed he had been really stupid not to have had the work done properly at the time and accepted it was down to his bad chioces and alcohol.I told him that he knows my finances now and that once he had some sobriety under his belt and a job,then it was something to work towards for him. Some weeks later he was howling with tooth pain and begged me to pay for him to see the dentist. It was obvious he was in agony so I made an appointment.He needed an extraction and several days later told me he had another appointment.I assumed it was a check up and said nothing. A few days after he went again,and I asked him why did he need so many check ups for one extraction? He then informed me that he was so excited he was finally getting all his teeth done. I was taken aback and asked him who was paying for all this and his reply was "I told the dentist you would be speaking to him about the payments!!" We never resolved that one because I have just thrown him out. 

I guess I'm rambling and, with no-one to talk all this rubbish through, using this as a means to get all these bad feelings out. I HATE where I am at the moment and I know what I have to do now. I just wish my brain would close down long enough for me to actually focus on myself.I 've done the bath,the praying,the soft music..............I guess I'm grieving and assume that's a healthy necessity at the moment.I know I have to let it go.....but first I have to just let it OUT!!

Thank you for being so patient with me.XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX