The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am still rather new to this program. I have been going to the on line chat and the on line meetings and have gone to one f2f.
However, I am struggling with loneliness and would really appreciate some feedback from you all. Over the years I have managed to lose all of my friends. I think the baggage I have carried has been too much for them to handle. I know it takes time to reestablish new friends and to learn not to carry my baggage. But in the meantime I am alone and lonely.
My self-esteem is very low right now. I am afraid of rejection. It hurts too bad.
I like to read, but I am having trouble focussing and concentrating so I think too much.
Please let me know if you have felt this way and how you got through it.
Hang in there and keep on coming to both the chat and the board. It is a place where you can ususally find someone to talk to or a place to vent. You will feel less lonely here.
Time is how I am still getting though it. I have learned some tools to help me during those hard times. Yes, I still have times I am very lonely but I know there are people around who will help me out, if i reach out and ask for help.
Hello fran , been there a few times myself. You said u went to one f2f am assuming u plan on going back. Once settled in Al-Anon u never are alone again, lonley is now a choice. we have to learn to reach out , step out of our box difficult at first but it gets easier all th time. Make new friends at your meetings and start doing something nice for you on a daily basis.
On line is awsome but computor hugs just dont cut it, we need people who support us when low can go out for coffee on a bad day or jsut answer a phone when in trouble. Please keep going ot meetings it will get better.
Hi MFran~ I do relate alot to your post. I too was feeling very lonely and isolated when I first came to alanon, and can still revisit there today if I m not careful. I found that through going to my local f2f meetings ,and slowly learning to trust enough to share with those folks,I found a common bond with all of them. We were and are in the same boat. No one understands me like my program family. But it does take time to build that trust. You're doing great! The fact that you are making meetings is the biggest step for me. Trust is something that is earned over time. I'm glad you found us~Welcome ;o) ~ Carla
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It works if you work it , so work it YOU'RE worth it <3
A big part of living with alcohoism is isolation. Friends get tired of the drama, and, if you are anything like me, you are reluctant to invite people into your home and life when you never know what will happen.
As others have said, going to f2f meetngs will introduct you to people who understand what your life is like, and who will not judge you. Another thing that alanon can do is to encourage you to focus on yourself, take care of you - this tranlates into doing things you want to do, rather than sitting at home waiting for the A to give you a life. You can join a book group, bowling league, gardening club, mom's day out, gym, whatever fits your interests and your life.
Keep working your program, and you will find that your life will open up.
I woke up many mornings feeling exactly like you. Durning my transition period i had lost all my friends, been isolated from family. It has taken 4 years to repair some releationships and some were just lost altogether. I found this board out of desperation to know their are others out there that have been through similar situations. You are in the right place.
I can very very much relate to the overwhelming loneliness. I think it was the loneliness that drew me to the A in the first place. He was so lonely and so was I. Of course I did not look before I lept. I thought I was aware of his issues but he hid them very very well for a long long time. Now he still is secretive and not trustworthy which makes me feel very very alone. One moment he is pledging commitment next screaming he wants me to leave. Hardly a place to feel at home.
I have lost lots of friends over the years for many many reasons. My boundaries were not good that can be exhausting for others to be around. I also am very likely to be taken advantage of. I can become over involved very quickly. I make friends more slowly now. I do have recovery partners, some of them work out some of them don't.
Haven't gone to a f2f meeting yet, but this board has helped me a lot already.
Other forums have been of great help too - those where people interested in the same things I'm interested in gather (writing, personal development, getting organized...) I also like Livejournal very much, and have made some friends there, as well as joined some communities. It is very reassuring that I still can have an intelligent conversation about things that interest me even if there is noone currently around that is interested in the same things.
But it is important to limit computer time. I can easily get to feel even more lonely and isolated (or depressed) if I'm in front of the 'box' for too long!
Another thing I did is call some old friends, who had been in a similar situation (single & without a job, possibly miserable;) before, or some that were in a similar situation now, even though we lost contact inbetween. Mostly they were very glad to hear from me & we're still in touch!
It is important not to overwhelm them initially, but start more lighthearted and casual, as the relationship develops, more sharing can take place.
Last year, I invited many of my single girlfriends out to party - we've gone partying a couple of times & have now even agreed to do so at least once a month! (One of them got a boyfriend inbetween but is still a 'leading force' for partying!!)
Some of the girls can be pretty 'tiring', even though I love them dearly!! (Am still working on the boundaries too) So now I'm even thankful for some time alone & being able to e.g. write without intrusion!
Yes, I have sometimes 'made' myself to go somewhere, even when I didn't want to. (Including to a couple of dates. Yikes!) But sometimes it turned out fun, and sometimes I was just glad I was brave & went anyway!
About self esteem: setting goals and achieving them is sooo good for raising self-esteem. Especially if you do something you've been putting off for long! I was so proud when I managed to de-clutter a room in the house for my sister to move into! I got great help and inspiration from sites on getting organized etc. There are sites to help with goal-setting too.
Oh, and I would do affirmations/positive slogans: e.g. "I'm taking my life in my hands!"
Good luck!! Hope things start turning around for you soon!! Remember, there are LOTS of people out there who will LOVE your company & be happy that you are around!!
Thanks to all of you for your support. It is comforting to know I am not alone, yet I don't wish this feeling on anyone. Right now I am stuck and I can't get up or out.
fran, i am going to comment between ur points ok???
MFran wrote:
Over the years I have managed to lose all of my friends. I think the baggage I have carried has been too much for them to handle.
________i had this happen to me with a few people, and ya know?? i guess i didn't need them very much after all if they couldn't see the good in me enuf to "forgive" the sick part of me.....so it was for the best perhaps, that i "start from the ground up" in the way of new life
I know it takes time to reestablish new friends and to learn
________yes, it does, but the FIRST thing i did was "make friends with me" FIRST....the slogan "let it begin with me" MEANS just that!! how am i gonna find love if i can't love me???? how am i to find acceptance if i cannot accept me???? it HAS to start and finish WITHIN B4 i can expect to find it OUT of me....
not to carry my baggage. But in the meantime I am alone and lonely. My self-esteem is very low right now. I am afraid of rejection. It hurts too bad. I like to read, but I am having trouble focussing and concentrating so I think too much.
________hiding the baggage kept me sick.....i carried it...vented it...raged about it...i talked about it till i was blue in the face HERE!! in recovery--- that baggage was DONE To me by someone, and ONLY by talking about it/ venting/raging/crying/sharing/ and being validated by my al-anon pals, would i ever get to manage it and than give it over to my HP within me.......yes, i felt alone and sooo lonely cuz i was not comfortable being with just me, and my hp.....i was looking without instead of within for my love/acceptance and it just does not work...........rejection??? used to fear it like the plague, now??? as long as i am being me and being honest and doing what is RIGHT and someone rejects me??? i just say "adios" adn let them go...i can't please all the people, but maybe i can be special to a few.......yes, it hurts. life hurts, this recovery work hurts, but there is hurt that will make ya grow....hurt that tears ya down.....i don't mind the kind that makes me grow.................U R not alone, i promise U...just keep working on U, taking care of U, and trust in the process--- relax--do the foot work on the recovery and let ur HP as U know it, do the rest.......stick with it and U WILL notice the wonderful changes grow on U..........rosie
