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My day has sucked today. I got yelled at at work for a truly minor infraction (a typo in the subject of an email. So shoot me.) Then I talked to my 'a' boyfriend. Bear in mind that we do have a great relationship. I love him with all my heart and he is my best friend. We are very close. But you know, sometimes I could just WRING HIS NECK!
He called and said he hadn't slept all night and was feeling suicidal. (He has had depression problems for his whole life.) He is mad because, among other things, he doesn't have enough money to pay his cellphone bill or email and they both got cut off. He has not had a job in 2.5 years. He is an actor, but hell, so amd I. But I get up and go to my money job every day because i am an f-ing GROWN UP. He is 31 years old and lives with his father. Now he is screaming and pouting because there is no food in the house. He blames his father for this. Well, I am sorry, but at 31, you should be able to support yourself enough to eat.
Then on the phone he said, "...and it sucks because it's not like there is anyone I can ask for the money..." [long pause].
He was waiting for me to offer! I work ten hours a day for a meager salary and I am trying to pay off credit cards and student loans. He sits on his butt and plays spiderman all day on his playstation.
So anyway, there was a time, very recently, where I would have offered to loan him the money just so he wouldn't be in a miserable mood. Because when he is in this kind of mood it makes me miserable. But instead, I just said, "well, why don't you call that lady who helped your two friends get their jobs?"
"Yeah, but that's going to be an interview with her and then interviews with other people and it's going to be two months before I can get any sort of a life back".
Don't you love this logic? It would take a long time to make enough money to solve his problems, so he just won't get a job and make that wait longer... He keeps waiting for someone to come and take care of it. Well I can't. GRRRR. And now I am supposed to go over there tonight and I really don't want to. And I hate that I don't want to.
I have made progress in that I didn't enable him, but I still feel miserable because he is. I am not good at detatchment.
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**Everyone is doing the best they can from day to day**
So sorry u had a bad day.....mine wasn't great either.
Can't help but relate to your post. My A hasn't worked in three years and yet sees no shame in constantly complaining about how unfair his life is...it's everybody else's fault...never his. He's 38 yrs old and doesn't have a thing to his name. Last summer when I had to return to the Uk for family reasons I got back and found the dishwasher,my new computer,printer,scanner,the television and cd player,and my camera all gone!! He had sold them to start a new business to "look after us"!! He tried to set up a business he knew absolutely nothing about,hadn't researched and of course,it failed miserably. His answer was to drink even more than he did normally.I had to replace everything since it was my life that was affected by his stupidity,not his.His "logic" was that he was so sure the "business" would be a raging success he would have replaced all the house stuff by the time I got back!!!!
I eventually got a new laptop after we had split up and he manipulated his way back in....he got sober and started taking AA seriously. Said they advised him NOT to even think about working for at least a year and just concentrate on not drinking. All very well,but it's my savings and the help I get from my son that keeps the boat afloat.The laptop was a necessity because I am trying to earn a living by writing.A was delighted with the new purchase and commandeered it virtually the whole time to play online backgammon. I didn't have a problem with him using it,just got irritated that when I wanted it I was met with a flat refusal to hand it over....or bitter reprisals. I tried to compromise by saying "look,I know you need to be occupied but I bought and paid for it,and I need it at these specific times....I want to attend as many online alanon meetings as I can...it is my only source of comfort,I don't have any alanon here in Turkey and this programme is for my own recovery...I support yours,the least you can do is support mine! I also need it as I write for the local newspaper and I can't do that without the laptop.Other than that you can use it." At a quarter of an hour before the meetings I was begging him for the laptop and he was telling me "Sorry,I'm in the middle of a game and I can't stop it now"....then it was" Well you've missed half of it now so I thought I'd start another game!" Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. He read the newpapers and applied for jobs way beyond his capabilities or education then expected me to pay for his expenses to travel half way round Turkey for interviews(It's a wierd system here.) then got upset and angry if I told him that the job was totally unsuitable and I wasn't wasting my money on his whims,just so he could say he was making an effort. I did it too many times and he never got anything,all I got was the bill! I stopped that a long time ago.Of course then I was accused of being unsupportive.
Just last weekend I got caught on that one I gave the A money I did not have. I think that is an extraordinary difficult situation. A's are notoriously irresponsible and notoriously self centered. He seems to think you get money by magic.
In the last few years that has changed for me. I think one thing that has really changed is my working on myself. I no longer look to the A for so much emotional support. I see you saying that the a is your best friend. How is he your best friend if his isuses over ride yours all the time. I have had real issues with rescuing enabling and wanting to belong at a cost to myself. I really really do struggle with boundaries. I really struggle with being appropriate and knowing the difference between friendly and over involved.
In my case being over involved with the A ends up with me being tremendously resentful. These days I try not to add another resentment to the pile. I think that in itself is tremendous discipline.
I also joined debtors anonymous for help with my own debting issues some of which was related to my people pleasing enabling and rescuing the a.
I have found this particular group really really helpful. I have just been here a few months but i have put into place tremendous change in my life, using the tools that people mention here. I spend a couple of hours a day here sometimes and try to make a meeting a day (I do not always make that). I also go to counselling.
I would love to hear what you are doing for you. Here in al-anon we concentrate on ourselves not the A so much and believe it or not that really really helps.
My sister does the exact same things you mention!! - 'I'm just in the middle of a game!' or promises 'just 5 minutes to finish the game' and then it's 'I thought you weren't coming, so I started a new one!' Grrr!!
If I were you, I would take back the laptop!! (Here, it's the computer that's in common use, and was bought by the parents, so I can't lock it in my room or so.) May he play with real cards or do situps if he wants!
Paintthinnr,
Way to go!!
If my 'always moniless' friend asked for money or expected an offer, I'd start moaning and complaining I didn't have much either, & that my future earnings were uncertain, and/or that I needed or wished I had more myself, and usually that helped. She'd see I was sympathetic, but unmoving. I figured 'as long as she can buy cigarettes etc., she has more money than me!' (She doesn't ask anymore!;)
I did give some money to a cousin earlier, but then saw she was better-dressed than me, and continued buying new clothes! Ahh!!
