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A cut her drinking from 12-14 beers a day to 7 or so and asks me "are you happy"? I told her I'm not counting any more.
7, 12 or 20... her irrational behavior is the same, so it doesn't matter to me.
A decided to have dinner at my folks for a send off diner for my brother. (Who she really does care for) He is about to be shipped to Iraq so my Mom is getting everyone together.
"I canceled going to the Hockey game with my buddys from work to go with you (and the whole rest of our family) on Saturday". I said 'Yes...'
I am happy she is going, just not crazy for the reason why. She doesn't want to be the only one not going. I am happy she's going because if (God forbid) anything happens to my brother over there, she would probably feel very bad about not seeing him off with the rest of her family.
She has settled into a funk where she makes remarks about apartments and lawyers. I think she is feeling me out to see if I would really seperate over this. If she makes these little micro-compromises then does she feel like she did her part to "save the marriage"?
Today I am not going to make a marriage decission. I am going to do something with our son, not sure what yet, but something.
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
My A tries to see if I'm impressed with cutting down, switching beverages, whatever it is. Quite frankly, it's her recovery and even if she stopped drinking today there are so many stinking thinking and emotional issues to deal with on both sides of the fence.
My response is, "I hope that works out well for you, I wish you luck" It's the most I can muster. It's me being supportive yet trying to remain detached. When she complains about the lack of support I tell her, "I may not like that you drink but I can't stop you and you need to stop for and because of you, not me. I can't take an emotional investment in your recovery because I emotionally couldn't take another let down if it occured."
As for the motives for things. Unless they are trying to manipulate me or my kids I try not to get emeshed in these. I did last month when she was moaning that she had to buy this expensive gift for me because it would make her feel good. I called BS on that and asked who the gift was for then? In retrospect I feel that this served no pupose besides me trying to forcefeed my view down her esophagus.
I LOVED your last sentence. Now there is something positive many of us can do. Thanks for that.
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
It's all just an attempt to rationalize irrational behavior, and to try and make 'sense out of nonsense'....
Pretty typical stuff... my A used to get publicly drunk, make an ass of herself, and then the next day she'd decide something along the lines of: "hmmm, so last night was too much at 12 drinks.... I'll set myself a limit of 6 tonight!"
Yikes... I really hate this disease.
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I have given the benefit of the doubt on things like this for years. (Probably didn't help her... or me) I didn't even feel guilty by not praising her for it. (I think that's a first)
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I just want to throw some support your way for your brother serving his country and for those left at home. They are strong and well trained and I hope he returns soon. My son is presently in Iraq serving his 3rd tour of duty. I really get the least support from my A (sober). He is so selfish and doesn't seem to want to drop his needs to rally for another's cause. So I am learning to look for support in other places. My A drops bombs like your wife and makes these token attempt to "help". And I told my husband that I will make my decision about our marriage when I am ready. Hope you have fun with your son.
I am so glad to learn the terminology of "dropping bombs". My A does that of course. Right now he is sworn of marjuana because he took money from me last week to buy some. Now he is sick. He is either stoned or sick no inbetween.
I have had to learn to detach. I think that is incredibly difficult.
