The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
i am feeling torn b/c of my situation with my dad. we have broken off all contact with him. i feel bad about it quite often. the thing is that i know he doesn't care. that feels so horrible to feel that i am that disposable! my sis tells me not to feel bad, it's not my fault, and when he wants to be a part of this family, he'll contact us. i have 2 kids who love their papaw very much and miss him. and my dad loves them to death. he is a good papaw most of the time, used to always ask for us to bring them over, and had so much fun with them. but now it seems as if he has forgotten all about them. he doesn't even call!! whenever we're in his neighborhood, my 3yr old says "we are not going to see papaw b/c he is sick" that makes me feel bad. but my gut feeling is that if he really missed his grandkids, he call.
i'm not going to chase him down to make him see his grandkids, but what is wrong with him (that wasn't a ?-i know he's just an A). i think i feel worse than anyone in my family...including my dad. what am i supposed to do when i feel like i am the only one hurting? maybe it's different for me b/c i have kids and my sis & bro don't. i just want him to be a part of their lives. he should want that, too, but i can't make him. my hubbie says the same thing as my sis. he wants him to be a part of our kids life, but says that when my dad is ready that he'll let us know. but what if he realizes too late?
i feel like no one understands. why does it hurt my heart so much and not others? i feel lost on what to do. my heart says "i miss him" but my mind and gut say "don't! he'll come around later"
i'm lost, and for the first time in my life don't know what to do.
I feel I am to reply to your post. I can really relate to what you wrote and it brought to the surface a lot of similar feelings I have with my own dad. He too is an A. My parents also divorced....for about 5 years now. During the period before the divorce and many months after it, my dad was literally a basket case. On bad days he would call up to 5-10 times a day. He called everyday at least once/twice. He would call late into the night (one night it was 1:00 a.m. and he must have been out somewhere and didn't even realize he called becaues all I could hear was music and mumbling). His conversations were one way. He did all the talking. He wouldn't even respond to me telling him little details of my life. It was as if he didn't even hear me talking. He would talk over me. Oblivious to everything/one around him. Didn't ask about his grandson. Talked about himself and how he felt obssessively. His conversations were terribly inappropriate to have with one of his children.....mostly focused on my mom and details of their relationship you just don't share with your children or with anyone for that matter! The only thing that kept me partially sane during that time was that I lived over 1,000 miles away and I set some boundaries that I stuck to.
It is now almost 5 years later and I still struggle with my feelings toward my dad. I still feel bad that I don't want to talk to him. I feel bad that I don't want to stay at his house when we visit. I feel bad that I don't like to be around him for very long periods of time. I still feel those things, but I don't feel them as intensely as 5 years ago. I feel bad that our relationship is not and may not be as fulfilling as I would like it to be, but accepting the fact I am powerless over his life and that he will be what he will be today and maybe tomorrow and maybe until his death has helped me to focus on my life and let him live his. I can't make him see his ways are really hurting the relationship he could have with his grandkids, his children. I can't make him "see" anything about himself. I don't know what his bottom would look like, but I do fear that it would mean we would be attending his funeral. I even have to accept that in order to let go of him and let God work in his life. Because the more time I spend feeling sorry for him, thinking about what he is doind, does he have anyone to spend holidays with, is he happy, is he sad, what is he thinking, etc...the more power I have given back to my dad and consequently taken away from my HP.
I don't know if my experience would be different if I lived in the same town as my dad....I think it could be. This is one relationship in my life where I have been able to have it on my terms. If it means sacrificing my serenity I don't answer the phone, listen to his messages, get involved in his problems, etc..
I really feel for what you are going through. They are our parents. I had to let go of this "idea" of what I wanted my life to look like and I certainly tried to force this idea on those in my life (make them fit into their respective roles), but I HAD to give it up..... it was just too damn hard to keep pretending it was what it wasn't!
