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I'm in a really bad place right now.Any progress I thought I was making is right oout of the window.Sorry-this is going to be a long post. I am English but living in Turkey.My A has a history of using violence when drunk and the police have beeen involved three times now. We finished after the last bout and he went back to his family in Istanbul.(Not a healthy environment for him as Father is an A and aslo his only sister)We kept in touch by email or phone as I had told him that he needed to get sober for a year before I could learn to trust him again.He has messed around with AA for nearly 2 yrs but never had more than 15 days sobriety.He turned up on my doorstep with his suitcases out of the blue at the beginning of December and told me he was sober and couldn't live without me,that he fully accepted his alcoholism now and was determined to succeed.I was really shocked to see him back and felt very manipulated by the way he did it.The last time I saw him he wrecked my car and tried to drive me to the mountains to kill us both if I wouldnt let him stay!!
I love this guy with all my heart and was very confused as to how I should handle this situation.He had fought with his sister and Father and said he had got a lot of the major problems out of his system and he knew he only wanted to be with me.I let him stay and we talked and talked and things were actually going really well.He went to AA regularly and I kept out of his face.I told him that as long as he never drank in the house or brought alcohol to the house...and treated me with respect and wasn't abusive that we could work this thing out.I agreed to offer as much support as he needed to get sober and we agreed that if he had anythiing bothering him we would sit down and discuss it rationally and reach some compromise.Things went well.Of course he was up and down with his moods but I had you guys to help me through all that and I now had a programme of my own.There isnt Alanon here so this site is the only help and support I get.
The last two weeks have been hellish.One day he is hyperhappy and positive,then for no apparent reason he is in a dark mood and withdraws totally,gets mean and nasty and mouths off at me with absolute rubbish about me having hidden agendas,other lovers,or a "plan"???? To help me through this I was really praying hard and regularly in chatroom.The moods got worse and worse,then he wasn't sleeping but waking me up with silly demands then sleeping half the day and,of course,up again all night. It was wearing me ragged...not least because we had a very sick puppy who needed my attention as well at the time.Last week he was extremely withdrawn and really mean. I didnt mention AA but I did ask him if there was any problem he needed some extra support with,or if there was anything I could do to help him.He told me to mind my own business and shut up because he didnt need anything from me and certainly he didnt want any advice. So I shut up and tried to keep a low profile.It got worse and worse and at the weekend,to try and brighten things up,I suggested to him that as it was Valentines Day on 14th maybe we could get up early and go out for the day,have a nice dinner etc??? He said yes he'd like that and I left him to decide where he would like to go.Sadly we argued on Sunday night because he got so mean I retaliated and said he needn't think he had license to order me about and treat me like dirt.He lost his temper and threw the t.v remote at the wall and smashed my cosmetics box and waved his fist in my face telling me to "watch it or else!"I backed off and we didnt speak for the next two days.He slept on the sofa and only spoke to me to demand money for cigarettes or to cook his meals.I was heartily sick of walking those eggshells!!! He didn't go to AA for his meeting and I didn't mention it.But I was really worried now.He started speaking again the next day and told me I should go out occasionally and have a laugh and a drink with my friends as he didn't have any problem with it. I don't ever do that because he gave me hell before if I did go out without him.I don't really drink much anyway and it's winter and cold and nowhere really to go.I was ill at the weekend and told him I wasn't feeling good and please not to be so demanding because I wasn't often ill,but right now I don't feel good. He went and did breakfast for himself(he NEVER cooks and is totally undomesticated) and sat in front of me eating while he didn't even offer to do any for me.I let it slide.
Valentines day i got up early,washed my hair and showered and got ready for our day out.I waited til nearly 1.30P.M....he stayed in bed!! I decided I wasn't doing a good job of taking care of myself and there was no point obsessing about him not making the effort on our first sober valentines day.I resoned by the time he does get up and get ready it was too late to go anywhere daytime now,so maybe if I went and got myself in a good place mentally,he would be feeling more romantic later on and we could still go for a dinner?? I went and got the puter fixed and got back 2 hrs later.I had left a valentine present and a note saying I went to fix the puter and left money on the table for cigarettes.
When I got back he was silent and sulking.The silence lasted 2 hours and then he got up,planted a kiss on my cheek and said happy valentines.I told him I was upset he hadnt got up early so we could go out as we planned and his response was I could've woken him.(If I did he would hit the roof!! so I didn't!!). I asked him did he still want to go for dinner and he shrugged"maybe". I said I hadnt got a meal planned as I thought we'd be out .I asked him to suggest where he'd like us to go.He turned his nose up and said "anywhere".I was getting really agitated by now and said I was fed up with being treated like a slave and when I am trying to do something nice he makes it like it's too much effort for him to participate and hell it was valentines day for godsake and I didnt want to spend the evening with him in this mood now so I was going out on my own!!(Not a smart reply but hell-I was angry!) I went down to my friends boat and they were having a valentine meal and said it was fine for me to join them.They werent doing anything special and they were happy I had the sense to remove myself from him in this mood.We talked and talked and had a few glasses of wine ourselves.i dont normally drink much anyway but it was supposed to be a specail night so my friends told to me to chill out and relax. Anyway,it wasnt a good idea because i hadn't eaten in 2 days and it went straight to my head!! I fell asleep!! They put a blanket on me and let me sleep. When I woke up it was 3 .30 am....I got up straight away and walked home,leaving my car keys on the table and a note to say sorry,thanks and I'd get the car later.I walked home and A was asleep(in our bed not on the sofa for the first time in days!!) and not wanting to disturb him I got into the bed in the spare room.I didnt want to disturb the puppy or wake him . He however woke me at 8.30 am by shoving me hard and demanding money for cigarettes.I told him I was sleeping and I had given him cigarettes before i went out last night.He had smoked the full pack and wanted more NOW! I refused and said it was inconsiderate to wake me with his demands so he came back and pulled me out of the bed and told me to get them now or else!! I was so angry that I said "I am absolutely NOT going to be treated this way and this really isn't going to work so you might just as well pack your things and go!" I regretted it as soon as I said it.I know he is an alcoholic and that early sobriety is difficult and was really mad at myself for not being more patient.On the other hand,I don't see why I should have to live with threats if I don't do as he wants,when he wants it!! I left it a while and went down to speak to him,but he ignored me and went upstairs to pack his bags. I made tea and when he came down I apologised for what I had said,but pointed out that I am human too and being constantly threatened wasn't a nice place to be. I was disappointed about Vday and I reated in a bad way and for that I apologise.He didnt accept! I suggested to him that maybe he needed to speak to his AA leader and get some extra help with his mood swings and that I needed to work my programme even harder.He insisted he didnt want to stay in the relationship and I could go and get him the money for the bus to Istanbul right now or I would see what would happen.I let it go for an hour then gently tried to speak again but got exactly the same response,so I gave him the money.As he left to buy the ticket he threatened me again that I would pay for this and I would see what he would do. I panicked and rang my friends husband who immediately dropped everything,walked out of his work and came to the house. He was there when A returned and we sat in the kitchen with a coffee. A acted normal then beckoned me into the hall.I went and he handed me a shirt and told me to iron it now. I refused and went back to the kitchen.He again beckoned me and I again refused to iron it.He said he only had half an hour and he needed the shirt.I was really confused and asked him what he needed a shirt for on a bus to Istanbul and he replied he didn't buy a ticket to Istanbul,he was going for an interview for a job and showed me a bus ticket for Cesme.My head was spinning. I went back to the kitchen,my friends wife had arrived by now and I told them that he had obviously changed his mind...yet again...and what he had said. Bill said to me that I can't carry on letting him play these mind games with me and that I should just tell him,sorry..it isnt working..just go to Istanbul and sort yourself out and let me get on with my life.At the end of the day he is threatening you and this can only get worse.He was,of course,absolutely right.But my mind was totally shot by that point and I didn't know what I was thinking.I love my A but this is no life and sober or not,Bill was right.I went to the lounge and sat down and told A that it was really unfait of him to trick me into believing he was actually leaving then to tell me to iron a shirt and he was getting a job here to look after us.And I couldn't live with all the threats.And that this was a really horrible situation and that maybe it's for the best if he just left and dealt with his own problems and left me to live my life.He got really mad and said I was to throw my interfering friends out or he would.I refused to do that so he threw the phone at me and told me to call the police because there was going to be something really bad happening now. I told him that was silly and the best thing was for him to just go to Istanbul and not to make things worse than they already are. He insisted I call the police.I took the phone and went to the kitchen and told Bill and Pam what he had said.Bill said call the police then,because there was no way he was leaving me in the house with A.He got up and went to A and told him this was being stupid and it was better if he just left,before involving the police.A told me to call the police NOW! So I started to dial,and he attacked me and threw me to the floor,and Bill had to restrain him.This scenario then happened with Bills mobile phone and Bill warned him not to damage his phone or there really would be trouble.Pam tried to reason with A to no avail,then A got up and left the house taking the puppy with him. Bill decided he took the puppy to ensure we would let him back in again. We sat and talked and A returned 10 mins later with the puppy and sat in the lounge crying.I went in and he was drinking beer!!I went to the kitchen and told Bill and Pam he was drinking.Bill sat with him and again tried to reason with him.A was sobbing that I had ruined his sobriety and that he loved me and that I didnt give him a chance.Bill pointed out that that was absolutely NOT true and that no-one can make you drink...only you put the stuff inside you and only you can stop it.Pam tried speaking to him as well and he was screaming that I was seeing other men,and he found an old transparency of my ex in a book upstairs and he knew I was cheating on him.The transparency was long forgotten and I didn't even know I still had it!! It was beside the point,I have never had eyes for anyone other than A and he knows that.A said he needed to get some air and he would come back and get his things and go.He went out,came back with a bag full of beer!!!And things turned really ugly!!
He demanded my friends left,they refused,he ran to the balcony and came back with a can of petrol and waving his lighter about!! Bill restrained him and managed to get the petrol can off him but A had managed to grab 2 large kitchen knives and had Pam backed into a corner.Bill told him that he was now getting very angry and that if he didnt put the knives down he would see what real anger was.Somehow or other A managed to release Pam but got me traped up against the worktops and oredered Bill and Pam to leave.Again they refused to leave me in the house with him.Bill stormed out of the kitchen and A followed him,i think to check what he was going to do?I'm not sure because everything happened so quickly.Bill was at the front door with A outside the door and threatening to kill himself!! A ran away down the stairs,and Bill told me to grab the puppy,and my bag and the petrol and axe etc and to get the hell out of there with them now!! We left and went to their boat.Bill alerted the marina security and I stayed the rest of the day and the night with them. Next day we all came back to the house in the late afternoon to check if the house was ok.It was,no sign of any damage and A's luggage still on the front doorstep. The house is secure and triple locked with steel door.Pam bought provisions for me and I am now holed up with little Ruby.
After Pam left,the electricity went off and I freaked.Ruby and I sat cuddled up freezing cold in the dark for 4 hours.I didnt sleep well.This morning I phoned his AA friends.Nobody had heard from him.Nobody knows where he is. I am safe but HURT,ANGRY...at him...at myself....at this HORRIBLE DAMNED DISEASE.............I want to scream and cry and....I don't know what I want anymore!!!!!!!!!!!
If he comes to the house I wont answer the door....I wont answer the phone unless I know who is on the other end......If he causes a problem I WILL call the police.Bill and Pam have been brilliant friends and I thank God for them.I thank God for all of you here who give me so much hope and strength.
I screwed it all up.I have to take responsibility for my part in all this.... I really believed I could do this....and I'm so disappointed in myself that I couldn't!!!!!!! I know I didn't cause it..I can't cure it and I sure as hell can't control it........
DAMMIT..it's hard enough being in love with someone who doesn't understand my culture or can't fully express himself in my language...let alone dealing with alcoholism as well.
Oh, gee, you are realing riding the rollercoaster, aren't you?
This situation does not sound safe at all. It is essential that you keep yourself safe - why is he, and his sobriety, and his rages, and his moods, so much more important to you than your own safety and serenity? Please don't let him in when he comes back (yes, he'll be back - it's not that easy to get rid of an A). I understand that you love him - we are all here because we love alcoholics - but you must also love yourself. His sobriety or lack of it, his relationship with his family, all that is not your business. Your business is how he treats you, and what you will and will not accept. Loving him, and understanding his disease, does NOT mean that you should accept unacceptable behaviour. If there is any way that you can detach some here, even to the extent of going away from that place, it would really help you right now.
Find some boundaries that you know you can stick to, and then stick to them.
Sending big hugs your way. I hope you really are safe. I will be praying for you and your "A".
Please don't be to hard on yourself, even the most patient people lose their temper every once in a while. It is progress, not perfection. And to me it truly sounds like you were doing the best you can with what you have.
Keep Coming back we are here for you.
Much Love,
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
I read your post entirely, I agree your A is "off the chain" right now, and even though you love him you have to stay safe and secure because he sounds like he'll hurt you if he gets the chance. My "a" pulls alot of the same demanding requests like buy me cigarettes, do this do that. I am slowly realizing that I allowed this person to control me. I allowed my peace and joy to be stolen by him and his disease. I still love my "a" dearly as well, but I would have gone slowly insane to the point of trying to take my own life because I felt like such trash. You are not his maidservant, and you are not trash. Think about why you allow him to treat you the way he does? Think about whether you believe you are worth it? One day at a time Chris. Keep posting and let us know how you are. Stay safe and strong.
Hugs,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
How in the heck do you figure you messed up? Some behavior is just not acceptable!! Seems to me you have went over and above the call of duty. Bless your heart, I know you've tried and tried. And yes, Thank God for your friends. It's hard telling what your A is capable of. Please stay safe my friend.
Love Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Thank you for listening and your helpful replies. I guess it's just that he was doing so well staying sober for 70 days and the first real problem we hit,the disease kicks in and everything spirals out of control.
I really didn't want this to happen and I feel absolutely that I did the right thing,given the circumstances,but if I had only kept my mouth shut and prayed instead of shooting my mouth off and telling him to leave,that we could have got over this.I'm not blaming myself for his behavoiur,but I'm accepting of my part in it.I don't deserve to be treated in this way and I won't accept it...but at the same time I should have dealt with it differently and now it's gone beyond the point of no return.He knows he has an anger problem and that he needs to work on that.He says he has never intentionally hurt me and it's only been when he is so drunk and lost complete control...but....he doesn't seem to understand that saying things like that only increases the tension and increases my fears that maybe he would actually hurt me sober. Certainly the behaviour with the tv remote and my box at the weekend was an alarm bell for me and one I was taking seriously.He told Pam he doesnt remember threatening me or losing his temper with me...but thats not unusual....he doesnt remember anything he doesnt want to.He also sobbed to her that he only wanted cigarettes and that was no reason for me to tell him to leave.I think some of this is a culture thing....Turkish men expect to demand and get and that really doesn't fit in with my upbringing in any way.For the most part,I dont allow him to demand and gently point out when he does that I dont respond to orders like that and a little politeness would be more likely to achieve the result he is hoping for. It usually works,except of course when he is in one of his moods then he wont stand for any of my gentle requests and I silently resent it....while he sulks and/or makes life a lot more difficult.
I guess I was so hurt that he did nothing for me when i asked for help because i was unwell and the first proper valentines day disaster and I lost sight of the fact that I was going to the hardware store again to buy bread!!!! He cant look after himself..how can I expect him to look after me??
I let myself down by my behaviour.......his wasn't right at all...but I didn't have to make it worse.
I am safe right now and Ruby and I are cuddled up on the sofa. The electricity is back on(though who knows for how long) and we are coping.I'm just really really sad.
Chris, I don't see how you messed up at all. I feel bad that you're living like that. You shouldn't have to live with someone ordering your around and demanding money, whether he's sober or not. This guy is seriously messed up! I think he has more problems besides alcoholism. It sounds like he has some mental illness problems too. I think a lot of alcoholics use alcohol to try to control their mental illnesses. Of course, stopping drinking won't control mental illness. I know you love him, but you sure don't deserve that kind of treatment. There does not seem to be any love on his part at all. I think if you had enough time away from him and enough time to see what you're capable of, you will see what love should be like. I'm probably not the one to say what love should be like, but I know what it SHOULDN'T be like. Anyway, I wouldn't let that guy back no matter what promises he makes or what he says. My first experience with an A was when I was very young and didn't know anything. The A at the time was not drinking, but he was seriously messed up (a lot like yours now). This A threatened me all the time, made me do terrible sexual things I didn't want to do, ordered me around, took all my money, cheated on me, but accused me of cheating, and threatened suicide all the time. Once when I left him, he came back and kidnapped me. Of course I now realize that he was not only an alcoholic, but he had some mental problems that went along with it and there was nothing AA could do for those problems. You can do better than that. I wouldn't take him back no matter how long he was sober or if he goes to AA every single day. He has problems that you won't be able to make better. I don't think anything would get better with him no matter if he's drinking or not. Take care of yourself and your little puppy. You're lucky to have such good friends too.
To help me through this I was really praying hard and regularly in chatroom.The moods got worse and worse,then he wasn't sleeping but waking me up with silly demands then sleeping half the day and,of course,up again all night. It was wearing me ragged...not least because we had a very sick puppy who needed my attention as well at the time.Last week he was extremely withdrawn and really mean. I didnt mention AA but I did ask him if there was any problem he needed some extra support with,or if there was anything I could do to help him.He told me to mind my own business and shut up because he didnt need anything from me and certainly he didnt want any advice. So I shut up and tried to keep a low profile.It got worse and worse and at the weekend,to try and brighten things up,I suggested to him that as it was Valentines Day on 14th maybe we could get up early and go out for the day,have a nice dinner etc??? He said yes he'd like that and I left him to decide where he would like to go.Sadly we argued on Sunday night because he got so mean I retaliated and said he needn't think he had license to order me about and treat me like dirt.He lost his temper and threw the t.v remote at the wall and smashed my cosmetics box and waved his fist in my face telling me to "watch it or else!"I backed off and we didnt speak for the next two days.He slept on the sofa and only spoke to me to demand money for cigarettes or to cook his meals.I was heartily sick of walking those eggshells!!! He didn't go to AA for his meeting and I didn't mention it.But I was really worried now.He started speaking again the next day and told me I should go out occasionally and have a laugh and a drink with my friends as he didn't have any problem with it. I don't ever do that because he gave me hell before if I did go out without him.I don't really drink much anyway and it's winter and cold and nowhere really to go.I was ill at the weekend and told him I wasn't feeling good and please not to be so demanding because I wasn't often ill,but right now I don't feel good. He went and did breakfast for himself(he NEVER cooks and is totally undomesticated) and sat in front of me eating while he didn't even offer to do any for me.
I let it slide.