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the past few days my a has been phoning me and treating me good. i was confused so today i spoke with him and asked him exactly what his motives were. i wanted to know if we were speaking and are working things out or if he is just trying to keep a hold on me. i want him to come home if he would be willing to go back to aa and work the program. i told him this. he wants to be with me but doesnt want to go back to aa. so i have a dilemma. we both love eachother so much but clearly want different things. i know i dont want to be with him if he is actively drinking and using. i wont go back to that and set myself up to be hurt again. for surely it will happen. i do understand that if he were to go to aa he could still relapse and i can accept that as long as he gets back on track. this is my thinking. but it doesnt matter. i know what i want and he won't do it. so what do i do now? i love him so much and really dont see a future without him. my feelings are so jumbled as you can probably tell. so im supposed to accept this situation and see im powerless over it and just let him go, right? he would love to keep talking to me but i see that as a problem for me. the longer i stay speaking with him the longer it will take me to get over it and move on. and once again i will end up getting hurt. i can see that my hurt would come from expectations. but what am i supposed to think when he is calling me and telling me he misses me and loves me and crying. of course i have the expectations things may work out one day. i dont know whether to keep talking to him or what. or how to drop my expectations. i dont know how to accept that this is his final decison and its time to say goodbye. somebody help me clarify thoughts please..........
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stay in the now...dont look forward, dont look back....your life is what you make of it
I wish I had some magic words for you. My A has relapsed. Not to where he was before. I mean instead of a gallong of windsor a day, we're doing 2 - 5 beers. We just talked about his drinking again last night. He doesn't understand why the whole family is all upset over "a couple beers". I started crying, telling him that past wounds are deep. That his drinking has hurt all of us and that watching him do it again is very painful. I set a couple boundaries with him. Told him that there wouldn't be intamacy if he's drinking, that I had given myself to a drunk enough over the years and never liked the way I felt afterwards. I won't do it again. Told him that I'm not responsible for his drinking, he's sick and I won't be counting beers, or watching him any longer. I admitted that I was sick as well, he agreed. Said he thought it was wonderful that I'm on this site and going to f2f meetings. A part of me wants to just walk away and tell him that he can kill himself on his own. But yet, I stay because I love him and I know he loves me. He's been told that the drinking will kill him, his already damamged heart can't handle it. I explained that to him again and told him that it's now his choice to live or die. I told a friend of mine just today who is having a difficult time with her boyfriend......you have to decide if it's really worth staying. Do you really want to live the rest of your life in worry and contradiction? But until you make that choice, get on the board, read, post and learn. For me, I pray. I turned my A over to God and my heart feels so much better. I know that this wasn't what you were looking for, but I don't think anyone can tell you what to do here. You have to decide for yourself. Do you want to invite the chaos back in? Are you well enough yourself to handle the ups and downs? I guess I stay because it's easier than knowing I would be in the same spot. I will say a prayer for you, that the right decision will come to you.
I am new at this so take it for what it's worth. <smile>
My wife left me several years ago to party it up with a drinking buddy of hers. She wasn't very concearned about my feelings at the time. When her buddy rejected her, she became a new person with me. Saw the error of her ways, and still loved me very much she said. I still had an issue with her drinking, but she said that now that she knew for sure she was meant to be with me and possitive she truly loved me, she would be able to set that aside as soon as we got things back together.
As I stated on another post, she drinks more than she did before, is more verbally abusive than before and is ready to walk out of our marriage yet again since "I make her drink".
I can't tell you what to do, but just as I have come to understand that when she is unwittingly abusive to me or the kids it is the disease not her doing that. It is just as true that if she is still drinking, all the "I love you, and I will do better - you'll see" is just words until she takes steps to treat her illness.
Edit - Let me add that I believe deep in my heart that she does love me and the boys. She is also a very compassionate caring person (when she's not drinking). Makes interpreting these statements very hard for me.
-- Edited by rtexas at 16:27, 2006-02-16
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Seems to me you have answered your own question, don't want to live with him if he is not going to AA and he woln't go.
This is a tough road not, taking things one day at a time on even one minute at a time can be difficult but that is what we have to do.
My hub has been in rehab 6 times and right now he is sober and living here. However, for me I can not take the active life of addiction one more moment.
So you have to think about what is the best thing for you and your sanity and do it. Sometimes we just can not think clearly and they have a way of manipulating us. So I wish you the very best with the decissions you must make.
Hi NSN I will quote the saying nothing changes if nothing changes. Keep your boundaries, maintain the communication if you really want to save the relationship and hand the rest over to HP. Ask yourself what is the best option for MY HEALTH. Luv Leo xxx
Only you can know what to do. What I would do if I were you is to go back and read over my past posts here and reflect on the emotions and situations your shared. It is a real awakening to read my old posts too. I see them from a different perspective than when I first wrote them. Maybe this would help you in some say. Wishing you all the best! (((((((((nsn)))))))) cdb xoxoxoxoxoxo
I am sad for you - I know how much As can hurt us, and, I wish I could wave a magic wand and say - go back with him - this time it will be OK. Think most of us have done this at one time or another, and believed it, and, found it to be untrue.
I agree with the previous posts, think you already know, in your heart, what you must do, for your own safety and serenity.
There is hope, Notso, when you make changes in your life, other things/people change. We are only responsible for ourselves. Take care of you - maybe, when he realises he can no longer talk you into a situation..... maybe when he does not have you to turn to...... who knows? All we can be sure of is, his drinking is hurting you.
Well no one here is going to judge you. I do not think there is a time limit on moving on or letting go. I have a fourth step on many of my relationships. Sometimes it takes decades to let go really not being around them does not necessarily mean you let go.
Maybe it is a time of throwing yourself into the program and waiting for the decision for you. Sometimes where I need to be comes out of nowhere not necessarily when I expect it.
