The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I had such a crappy day yesterday obsessing over my "a" and this person he's with. So I made the choice to go to a therapy session with our counselor last night. I just let it all out even letting her know that he is not sober and I'm still living with active alcoholism and denial. She said basically the same thing everyone else said here about the "new woman". She agreed that him going to another woman sends a very bad message to me and the family, but this woman is probably a "rescuer" as well and her pay off is getting to help him. She said there might be sex involved but she doesn't believe it really has anything to do with emotional attachment. He's in survival mode. I was able to make a plan of action on how to handle conversations with him. If he is yelling, shaming or blaming he can expect to get just the kids on the phone. If he's ready to talk about what's happening here calmly than we can talk. She has instructed us to do an agenda like our family meetings and pick one topic and stick to that one topic. She said, you guys are still a family and separations can be healthy as long as the energy stays in the relationship.
At least I had the first calm conversation with my "a" last night in the whole week he's been gone. His words. " I just want everything to be the way it used to be with out the B.S." I said everything can't be like it used to be, not for me. Everything means I can drink like I want and you take care of me and not get angry or resentful about it. I would die if I went back to that environment. I calmly said this morning if you are unable to look truthfully at your problems than we can try to get along friendly for the sake of the boys, but we won't be concentrating on the relationship. He at least said, "I don't know what I want". It's honest and I can respect that. Today I'm working hard to focus on my work and on me. I have lots of good things planned this week and I'm not going to let his actions, words, or outbursts blow me around like a feather. I can choose to stay calm. Thanks to all who have been wonderful and supportive, you guys are my life line and I'm grateful. Today will be a calmer peaceful day.
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I'm glad to hear that things are a little calmer for you today. Your A is so much like mine I can't believe it! He would like to be able to drink all he wants, do what he wants and answer to no one. He would love for me to handle everything so he can just drink and have fun. If I were you and he called yelling, shaming, etc. I would hang up on him. His "rescuer" will eventually realize that she made a huge mistake. I used to be one of those people too and eventually you figure out that it's not worth it. I left my first husband because he was an alcoholic. Things are actually better with him now that I don't have to live with him and I don't have to see his drunk friends. Of course, I went ahead and married another A. Some day I'll learn. I wish the best for you and I hope you keep coming back here. Good luck and don't take any crap!
Gee, I wonder if it was a full moon yesterday. I felt the same way as you, and too, through talking, I feel much more in control of me today.
Yesterday I was totally out of control! I was stupid with crazy thoughts, actions...
All because I felt overwhelmed, and felt no way out.
I too have to use an agenda for family meetings, and have discovered it very usefull to keep myself on track during discussions with the hubby. Helps me stay focused, and then we can come up with a solution/plan, and I feel some progress.
Progres....not perfection.... Gee, I needed to think of that yesterday!!
