I drove to work this morning after the tough week I had.  My A relapsed and I let him know how unacceptable this is right now in my life.  That my plate is so full stuff is dripping off the edges and he needs to pull himself together.  My mom had breast cancer 10 years ago and now they have found a mass about 4 inches below her breast.  They did one biopsy which was inconclusive to today mom is having a core needle biopsy done.  I drove this morning with my brain all straight and then the tears would try to surface.  I know crying is good for me, but not on a 4 or 5 lane freeway going 60mph.  I sat in the parking lot at work and picked up my book, "The Language Of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie, how appropriate the reading is today. I had to share with anyone that needs this reassurance right now.

Hugs Mary

Control

Sometimes, the gray days scare us.  Those are the days when the old feelings come rushing back.  We may feel needy, scared, ashamed, unable to care for ourselves.

When this happens, it’s hard to trust ourselves, others, the goodness of life, and the good intentions of our Higher Power.  Problems seem overwhelming.  The past seems senseless; the future, bleak.  We feel certain the things we want in life will never happen.

In those moments, we may become convinced that things and people outside of ourselves hold the key to our happiness.  That’s when we may try to control people and situations to mask our pain.  When these “codependent crazies” strike, others often begin to react negatively to our controlling.

When we’re in a frenzied state, searching for happiness outside ourselves and looking to others to provide our peace and stability, remember this: Even if we could control things and people, even if we got what we wanted, we would still be ourselves.  Our emotional state would still be in turmoil.

People and things don’t stop our pain or heal us.  In recovery, we learn that this is our job, and we can do it by using our resources: ourselves, our Higher Power, our support systems, and our recovery program.

Often, after we’ve become peaceful, trusting, and accepting, what we want comes to us-with ease and naturalness. The sun begins to shine again.  Isn’t it funny, and isn’t it true, how all change really does begin with us?

I can let go of things and people and my need to control today.  I can deal with my feelings.  I can get peaceful.  I can get calm.  I can get back on track and find the true key to happiness – myself.  I will remember that a gray day is just that – one gray day.