Two Ppl, Two Programs...right? - Al-Anon Family Group

Advocate_For_Steve · Member

Two Ppl, Two Programs...right?

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Steve welcome to MIP. I can fully understand the dilemma with which you speak and have asked the same questions of my sponsor as you post here. Before program I hid my feelings, made myself invisible said only what I thought people wanted to hear and lost myself in the process. Working the steps including step nine helped me rediscover my true self, understand my needs and provided the courage and wisdom to share them not only to another human being but to my inner self as well. This led to a deep acceptance of my humanity.

Before program when I felt a feeling I reacted to the feeling and denied my thoughts and actions or engaged in dispute.

Al-Anon taught me how to feel my feelings, not react, process the feelings, share them appropriately with in Al-Anon member because feelings are not facts and then respond from an intelligent constructive manner. This is all a process and takes time and energy.

Sharing your process with your partner may be tricky at times but well worth it. I have stayed in my own hula hoop, shared about my fears and my confusion and kept the focus on myself and the tools that I was using to recover. Staying in the moment and in the day kept me in the present and working a 10th step each night unveiled any new difficulty that may have occurred. In order to not feel as if your closing down in the relationship I would stay in the moment and remember to respond and not react to situations. It is a process you are doing fine

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, its great that you are both in recovery, I dont know how you dont feel the urge to talk about it every two seconds, its such an amazing life changing thing. I did notice you used the word allowed quite a lot and I dont think our program works like that. Someone here says think about the consequences before you act so maybe you could discuss recovery with her but don't attempt to influence or direct. Relating conversations to myself seems to work for me. So if my son tells me a problem I might say 'when I felt that way, this helped' rather than you should, beginning any sentence with you should is a no no. This is your program and is for you to feel free in it. You are allowed to make mistakes and explore your new found thinking, no one uses the words allowed or not allowed really.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I wouldn't broadcast my thoughts or feelings to the world. To me its about as silly to do that as it is to text or tweet everything you're thinking and feeling and doing to a group of folks who probably don't really care. I do think that it is important to be open and honest about my personal thoughts and feelings in relationship with others who truly matter to me. THINK as in is what I'm going to say "Thoughtful, honest, important, necessary, kind" is helpful for me when in doubt.

One of the habits I developed in living or working with As or other self-centered persons was to withhold myself in relationship to them. Now, if I catch myself doing that - it is either because I am living or working with somebody that isn't right for me - or I am choosing not to validate myself and my need to express myself openly and honestly with people. I can change my proximity to the other or I can choose to express myself and let the chips fall where they may. Either way, I am being true to myself.

I notice I don't weigh a lot of what I'm thinking or feeling with healthy people. I just seem to do it with people in a closed system or people who are used to getting their way and more than their share of attention in a dyad, triad or group. I either speak up and feel the discomfort of that with people who are porcupine-y or prone to arguing if they don't like what they hear without arguing back or I drop being in relationship to them. Life is just too short for me now to waste a whole lot of energy and time with people I truly can't be myself around. It might still take me a little time to figure out I'm spending time with a person or persons who aren't a match for me but thanks to having friends in my life who I can be myself around most of the time, I recognize where I'm powerless more quickly now and move to be with people who are more self-assured and secure.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I had to think back some to relate to this. My experience has taught me, an A and non A do not think the same, different wiring.

We might say ya but why don't they blah blah? Well they have no idea how. It honestly does not come to them.Something as simple as walking in the door and asking us how our day was, may not even be something they have thought of.

I don't believe marrying an A can be anything like a marriage between two non As. They take things so different than we mean it.

Mine said I don't know a lot. I find out when he really told me stuff he really did not and does not know. They really have empty space in their.

symptoms of selfishness and manipulating, I am sure makes them believe we are being like that but we are not even close to meaning that.

I had a looooooong relationship with my dear exAH. I did not tell him everything. I had to stop telling him much as he took it wrong. I focused on my love for him, and yes was pretty quiet.

But I had a relationship more recently, that I shared everything. I mean everything, he did too.I was never closer to anyone. he is not A. I liked that very much, I mean totally naked with him. not physically.....

I know the difference. I am sad really when I know people want so much when they get married for it to go well. With you both in program there is a better chance. Myself I would not have children with an A knowing what I know.

Others may disagree with me, this is my own personal experience and ones I have seen in others.

Its that saying a fish and bird may fall in love but where will they live?

glad you are taking your time and really thinking about this.

Welcome to mip!!!

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree and laugh at Debilyn's description of love between a fish and a bird... where will they live? I have been married since 1971 and have 4 daughters and lots of grandkids. I am not an A. And after all this time being married to one, I still throw up my hands when I realize he doesn't think like me. He stopped drinking after a DUI 14 years ago. He is in AA. He is better in his thinking. But it still is not the same as someone who isn't an A. Different wiring. Lots of symptoms of selfishness and manipulation and, for me, because of that, I have a severe lack of trust.

But after all this time in this marriage, I have changed too. I can't imagine having a relationship where I can share everything. Too much judgment. Our house is quiet. Talking together suffers. There are so many taboo subjects. My life is filled with other things. The time we take together we fill with traveling. We can talk about places.

Yes, I could leave him, but I have changed too. This is my experience.

Good that you are working this through in your mind before you go further than your engagement. You can be happy but it will be different that what you think.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.