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level.
I am sitting here feeling so let down by my "A." He is so smart he is actually dumb. We are in the middle of doing some minor fix ups on our house, and he is doing nothing but drinking more and more. Yesterday I explained to him if the drinking continues we are wasting our time fixing up a house that neither one of us will live in. I can't live with a man that continues to abuse his body. Tonight I made a nice dinner. He stuck his nose up and said he wasn't talking to me, and didn't want what I was cooking. Usually I would give in and do something else. But today I really don't feel like being his door mat. I know he is angry about what I said yesterday, however, I am not going to say I am sorry for the way I feel. He has basically called my bluff and continues to drink a good $800 dollars a month at our local bar. For me we work way to hard to waste money that is being flushed down the toliet. He has an excellent job and makes great money so I can't complain about that. All the bills are paid on time and we have savings but I can't take it. He asked me last week who else would give you an open check book?? I am a teacher so I really don't make a lot, but is this what I have to put up with to be secure? I think I'd rather be dirt poor living pay check to pay check than living with a man I can no longer relate too. My question if you have seperated from your spouse- What is the most peaceful way to do it if you have a small child? I have come to the conclusion that there is NO good time to say it. Threating an "A" is pointless (Which I have done a million times over) Staying is NOT benefiting me or my daughter. Please HELP, again I am feeling beyond let down. I feel like I have failed and I know in my heart I've given 14 years of my life.
Say what you mean, mean what you say, just don't say it mean. I'm living by that right now and it's really rocking the boat. (not like it hasn't already got a huge hole in it anyhow lol) No one can tell you what to do. It is just best not to say anything as a threat, unless you're willing to back it up. The A's learn to quickly that we don't mean it, well, we mean it, we just don't do it!
I'm in the process of legally separating, every state is different. You can collect information and learn as much as you can about what it will take. With children nothing like this is easy. Take time to think about everything, don't rush into this, learn as much as you can and ask your HP for guidance. Keep working your program for yourself, you deserve it.
I truely know how u feel right now and it is heart wrenching. The most important thing is say it calmly but most definetely. Say it mean it and then follow thru with it. Maybe it doesn't have to be forever, but then again maybe it does. Make your decisions and stick to them. That is what I did calmly. Sometimes we just have to get out.
I can so relate to your dilemma. My a has been away on a vacation for the past week and really it's been more of a vacation for me and our children. You're right that threats don't work, I learned that already. The one and only reason I am still with him is that with him being a functional alcoholic, if I left he would get "equal access", meaning I would have no control over how he treats the kids when he has them. That is something I cannot fathom, so I stay and live half a life.
I wish I could say you can have a peaceful separation, but in reality it likely will be anything but, especially in the beginning
You have not failed. He has.
I wish you well, and that you find strength to make the decision you need to make.
I can so relate to what you are going through, all I can add is my experience. It took me a few years to get to the point where I could say to my A that enough is enough. I too tried all the threats I could think of, to no avail.
Once I had made the decision for him to get his own house, I waited until he was sober, and talked calmly with him about separating and calmly about my reasons why. For me, this worked, it took him about 3 months to find a house, he adores his children and is still a great Dad (when he's not drinking). This all happened about 3 1/2 years ago and was probably the best thing I could have done for myself and my children.
Take your time and take care of you and your child.
Hon I really wish I had some ESH to give you on this one...what I do have is a hug (((((odaat))))). Trust yourself to do what you need to do for your family and let your HP be your guide. Anytime you need to chat- hop online and look for us to comfort, support, and love you endlessly!!!! luv Cyndee
Apologies, I'm a newbie here...but I noticed you signed up to this place on 11/04, which is great. Stupid (rhetorical) question. What has changed since? Actual question - What are you GOING to actually do?
Running and hiding now, LOL......
__________________
The mind is like a parachute - it works best when it is open!
Thank you to all that responded to my post. I sincerely appreciate your kind words. Amanda I am trying the very best I can. Yes I have dealt with this situation for years as you stated. Please know that my husband is a functioning "A" and is an extremely quiet person unless I start something. So for years I turned the other cheek. Up until he got his DUI 3 years ago. I have to try to do what is in the best interest of our daughter. No decisions right now are easy for me. I want to think everything through and find out what my rights are in the state of Florida. I go to counceling on a regular basis. For me this is the beginning of my recovery. (YES again) I do ride the roller coaster to hell with my "A." He knows how to play his cards to make me feel sorry. No matter how many times he lies I believe him... Today I will take one day at a time... Odaat
I know exactly what you are going through. I left my first husband (the father of my little boy). We were in the process of building a new garage and I couldn't stand the thought of spending all of that money on a house I knew we wouldn't be staying in. He was off every weekend drinking with his friends. A few times when I was sick, he would take off and leave me to try to take care of my very active ADHD child on my own. It was a few years of this when I couldn't take this anymore. I finally rented a one bedroom apartment and moved out. I was so broke, but I wasn't sad. I felt like I finally made parole! Actually he has now slowed way down on his drinking, but it's too little, too late. I was stupid and married another A so now I'm kind of in the same boat again. Remember, if you do decide to end it, you could get child support. Also, I would keep a record of everything that goes on with him just in case you need it for court at a later time. Just a thought...I hope you do better than I have.
I am sitting here feeling so let down by my "A." He is so smart he is actually dumb. We are in the middle of doing some minor fix ups on our house, and he is doing nothing but drinking more and more. Yesterday I explained to him if the drinking continues we are wasting our time fixing up a house that neither one of us will live in. I can't live with a man that continues to abuse his body. Tonight I made a nice dinner. He stuck his nose up and said he wasn't talking to me, and didn't want what I was cooking. Usually I would give in and do something else. But today I really don't feel like being his door mat. I know he is angry about what I said yesterday, however, I am not going to say I am sorry for the way I feel. He has basically called my bluff and continues to drink a good $800 dollars a month at our local bar. For me we work way to hard to waste money that is being flushed down the toliet. He has an excellent job and makes great money so I can't complain about that. All the bills are paid on time and we have savings but I can't take it. He asked me last week who else would give you an open check book?? I am a teacher so I really don't make a lot, but is this what I have to put up with to be secure? I think I'd rather be dirt poor living pay check to pay check than living with a man I can no longer relate too. My question if you have seperated from your spouse- What is the most peaceful way to do it if you have a small child? I have come to the conclusion that there is NO good time to say it. Threating an "A" is pointless (Which I have done a million times over) Staying is NOT benefiting me or my daughter. Please HELP, again I am feeling beyond let down. I feel like I have failed and I know in my heart I've given 14 years of my life.
Odaat