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I am trying to remember if anyone else has ever talked about this.
My A is staying at his friends mom's house with his friend. They are out in the garage. He calls this friend his, "budi" his "partner." Makes me ill.
I mean they are in trouble together and everything else together. Where one goes that other does. They both use the same stuff, both go to AA, both are totally nuts.
I find it so weird that he is closer to this man, then his own wife. I mean I have never felt the bonding between him and me, as I see it in him and his partner.
they told me they had to talk to the mom becuz she had walked out into the garage and they were in the bed together. The friend was in his bed and my a was in a chair and they were talking. It is very cold in there. I guess the friend told my A to come get into the bed where it was warm so they could talk.
Whatever. I don't believe they are sexual, but crimany who cares, he is with this guy not me. He never even touches me at all.
Told me he would be here last week end, said he would call. Didn't do either.
It is amazing. Bad enough the disease takes them away, other A's do too huh?
I was thinking that they want to be with another A becuz it is someone they relate to and don't have to hide anything from. They share the same disease and all its stuff.
My A's court appearance was rescheduled. I drove all the way to town to pick him up. His "partner" happened to come home from work, so I get to the house and they are gone. rude eh?
I have not talked to him since that day, the eigth. I figure, ok go on your own with your "friend." And your friend can visit you in prison and bring ya stuff.
It is so weird. He will say, well when I get out , I will be sober and who knows where he will be, probably using. Mom may be dead.
NEVER mentions me. Never has. It is like I am nothing. I am used to it now. I just about don't care. I still love him. always will. But am living very well without him in my life. I sure don't need him.
I guess what makes it not so bad, is the fact he does not need me. Makes it
easier for me to not contact him. He does not need me when he has his partner in aism.
hp works in mysterious ways....Is this part of the disease progression? This taking on with someone else???
You know my A has always made other people in his life more important than me. He is afraid of intimacy I think. But underneath I has always thought that there is a little underhandedness to it, like there I have someone else and you're not important.
But debilyn, our HP's love us. And we can love ourselves and make it with or without them.
Hi Debilyn and big hugs. Your A does not care about this person more than you because he really can only concentrate on one thing and that is his addiction. The friend and I use the term loosely is in the same boat as your A and he likes his company because neither of them have to live in the real world and take responsibility for anything. The "friend's Mom is obviously enabling them both, so for them life is sweet. Take care of you. Get the focus where you know deep down it should be - on yourself again. Go visit Grandma and have a laugh and if it makes you feel good roll in some mud with that beautiful pig of yours. By the way my Nanna is 93 tomorrow. Lots of luv Leo xx
I think some A's might simply merge with others At some point they can't stay merged though they break up and have a pretty tumultuous time that is my observation. I think it looks far far better than it actually is. I do think it is very rude not to call or cancel an appointment. I know A's do that all the time. My a is as rude to others as he is to me. I just don't get to see that as often.
I have a tremendously hard time with a friend of the A's. I am reminded of his presence all the time. He practically lived at our house for two years. Today when I was watering the plants with a faulty hose (it leaks everywhere) I was reminded that his friend broke like 3 hoses replaced nothing. My a stuck up for him no matter what he did. He always put him before me. I was so depressed, angry and isolated by that. I did not have a program now I have one I feel less intimidated, less involved and less reactive but I have to say I am still hurt.
Now he has another friend who is not as obnoxious as that one. They still spend a great deal of time together. I work really hard to be detached and boundaried. Sometimes it is incredibly hard work.
I don't think my A had anything remotely sexual with any of his friends but he was "merged" there is no question about that. He definitely just left me in the dust.
I think actually my whole relationship with the A has been based on deceit. He claims to be committed but does really awful stuff. He claims to want a relationship at the same time he is going around telling everyone how he wants to be rid of me.
I am putting into effect a plan a,b,c. I take action(s) every day towards them. No matter how long it takes I keep working my plan.
I also work hard to get recovery partners. I now have one who gives me support over job hunting which is very time consuming and very frustrating sometimes. I find that remarkable that I can now ask for what I need.
I have always been loyal and over committed. In some ways that started to shift for me after my mother died and I started to set limits with my family of origin. I started to want more reciprocity in relationships. I of course did not take a lot of action on that for a long time but now I do take action. I am now loyal to people who do offer me reciprocity but I am not loyal to everyone. I know my boyfriend does not have my best interests at heart for example. I will not reseduced back with him in the same way.
I have found redirecting myself away from the A has helped me a lot to deal with the hurt. At the same time I cannot but help be hurt by his very destructive behavior and his contraditions. I do grieve that.
We had a speaker meeting today. I wished you could have been there. This month we had an AA speaker, I couldn't believe what he had to say. Every meeting is different and so are speakers. What he concentrated on was what he felt was missing and the hole he tried to fill with alcohol. Anyhow, his talk was on recovery, he has many years in but he shared with us what early recovery was for him and his wife. There was much humor here. One thing he said he did, as it struck him as enlightenment, was about a year into recovery he shared with his wife how he love a few of the guys more than he loved her. LOL Now he says this isn't something he would recommend doing and he has come to understand it wasn't the smartest thing for him to do then either.
What it had boiled down to for him was he never knew what love was, this was all new. It was what he had desired all his life and now seemed to find it in the fellowship of AA. His wife was also in Al-anon, and he shared how it was like starting over with everything, all relationships. And how it was amazing that it brought love into his life and he knew it was a gift from his HP. So what it summed up to, was he never knew love, desired it and found it in AA but it grew in his life to all his relationships.
I don't know if this helps you at all, but I was glad to have heard him speak. (((lots of hugs to you))))
Yes Debilyn, he's in love, but... (I believe) not with another person, male or female. He is in love with the drugs, the alcohol, the lifestyle, that he can do drugs and no-one will try to stop him... You know the old story, same ole, same ole...
"I was thinking that they want to be with another A becuz it is someone they relate to and don't have to hide anything from. They share the same disease and all its stuff."
I think you hit the nail right on the head there, my friend!!
Leo said:
"Your A does not care about this person more than you because he really can only concentrate on one thing and that is his addiction. The friend and I use the term loosely is in the same boat as your A and he likes his company because neither of them have to live in the real world and take responsibility for anything. The "friend's Mom is obviously enabling them both, so for them life is sweet."
I'll never forget the look in my A's eyes one time when he knew he had a bottle stashed in his cottage. (we had gone there to close it up for the winter) It was like something took over him! Like he was possessed!!He was heading for that bottle, and the Lord help anyone in his way! If I hadn't moved, I'm sure he would have pushed me out of his way or gone right through me!
Maybe your A is so far gone, all he cares about is the next drink or hit.
Maybe your HP and his will send him to jail to save his life!
Try to live your life for you and those beautiful animals who love you so unconditionally. I know that's hard for you, you love soooo much! But, my friend, the animals will never hurt you ( besides a few broken toes etc. when they step on them!)
I hate to see you hurting!! I think maybe HP is answering your prayers, and all your friend's prayers in his/her own way. Does that make sense? He/she may be giving you time to heal and go on with your life, to get back on your feet?
My prayers are always with you and your loved ones, my main prayer is that you will find happiness, contentment, serenity in whatever way you can, in your very own Eden here on earth. Give Chief an extra hug from me, (I'm an Appy lover!) and thoink about looking after you! Much love and TLC
smoinks to all of you! (c: Your responces were so wonderful and they made me feel warm inside. It means so much that you all understand.
It is funny, I thought I lost him to the socalled friend too. But in truth like you pointed out it is actually a part of his addiction.
I remember we went to the beach cabin once. he was totally boring, and was not into it at all. I did not know until later, he could not get his drug whatever it might be, there. I remember feeling so alone. i went to bed and he never came to bed.
It was suppose to be a belated honeymoon. Was a sad disappointment.
Anyway you all made me feel good. I need reminders like everyone else. I don think about me, I just found it so weird all of a sudden to feel he is not with me at all he is with this other guy.
Our son found it all sick too. So sad.
I called him today to tell him about a doc. app. said I would pick him up at the time etc. then said I gotta go, just going out the door, he sounded shocked, like he expected me to talk. I have nothing to say to him, and sure do not want to listen.
Just gotta get this SSD stuff over with. He cannot do it on his own.. i have supported him long enough. He needs his SS and I will get a big chunk of it.
It goes right into my account.
Anyway hugs back. †hank you to you all who mentioned Chief and my pigs.
It is so nice that you guys know who I am.
My Appyman horse is so wonderful. He and I are so bonded he will walk right along with me when I hold his mane. His hair is so thick and fluffy. He looks so cool all hairy and has lotsa good meat on him this winter. not at all the skinny almost dead guy I brought home.
