The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I don't know why I'm staying. I have enough of my own stuff to deal with. I don't want to have to deal or even be around someone else struggling with a disease anymore. I need a little hope I guess.
We stay because the known (even if horrible) seems safer than the unknown. Kidnapped people are afraid of breaking free of their captors and will learn to adjust. Too many spouses stay in unhealthy relationships for a variety of reasons from religious convictions, to financial to straight out fear. That is why we have to seek, and speak and listen to our HP. Our mind is consumed w/ many things and the A. We have to be able to let someone else show us what is right for us; and what is not.
For me reading literally hundreds of posts, I have come to the conclusion that most As do not recover, nor do they want to & their spouses are just lifeless beings. Sure, it would be nice if mine was in the 3% of those that do recover; but he doesn't meet the criteria of those who lick this disease. He loves it; and hides behind it. Someone said the alcohol owns him; he doesn't own the alcohol.
I truly believe I am standing in the way of his recovery even though I am not the "textbook codependent". He has me to blame than maybe, just maybe he will have a chance at recovery.
Way back when.... I was a child, I lived w/ my an abusive father. I saw step mothers and siblings beaten within inches of their lives. I was a "good girl" (a fearful girl) that did not do anything to get a beating. I shut my mouth and did as I was told. No alcohol of drugs, but a Vietnam vet. He came home from war hostile & a little crazy. I was taken from my mother at a young age (but old enough to know) and never allowed to speak to her. In pre-computer days you could hide from people pretty easily. After years I tracked her down and left home (bought a one-way ticket) to her home on the other side of the country from where I lived. After two weeks I went back. Yes, crazy. But, it was a climate thing (she was in the north, I lived in the south) but it was also that even though my home was not loving, it was all I had ever known. We humans do crazy things.
At fifty, I know I have to leave my situation & it is a little uncomfortable, but living here is far worse than whatever lies ahead. This is a toxic & oppresive place, and I have to get out or allow my soul to die. Just last week I was not this decided, but every day I am a little stronger, and a little more determined.
Be still; and do not "react". Take one day (moment) at a time. Do not speak, unless you have something worthwhile, and kind, to say.
((((Becca)))) Al-Anon is all about understanding us and why we do what we do and we need to know that because we are the person we live our entire lives with and need to know about. The disease is distractive and still I learned about myself and one little part of me...the why do I stay? The answers are wide and then first answers helped me to understand me...I was hopeful...I was fearful (for her then for me)...I was inexperienced and didn't know anything about alcoholism...not a thing and so I needed to know first before I could made a better choice for me. I stayed because my self esteem was in the toilet and I was living off of hers and wrongly I believed I was a better person...man...for having her in my life...I stayed because I didn't have "the" justification to leave...yet...I stayed because I procrastinated with reason...doesn't matter I stayed until I would leave and stay gone. Lots of stuff happened during the staying time including me coming to understand that I should have not been there in the first place and I needed to correct a bad choice. I am. In support (((((hugs)))))
I stayed because it was the devil I knew. I also stayed because he had a good income and I was a stay at home mom. I stay now because I have hope that it will get better a little at a time even though now I know that the sober person has some serious flaws, but I still hope that he will notice that they are there and work on them.
In the meantime, I work on me. My kids are all grown and give me affirmations that I did the right thing and gave them a great childhood that they are now working on giving to their kids.
Everyone's reasons are different and those reasons change and mature as you work on the AlAnon program..... and as life teaches you lessons. If you need to leave, you will know.
Take care of yourself.... in whatever way that means.
I stayed with my ex because it suited me to stay, were not helpless victims. He was my reason for checking out of living and I blamed him instead of addressing my own fears and insecurities. He was my scapegoat and I was his in a way too. Stay or go, alanon people are the happiest, most well adjusted people I have ever met, sorry blessed but far far from lifeless beings.x
I love what Blessed shared when she said 'be still'. Sometimes it's ok to do nothing and to rest knowing that your HP is in control as you continue to work your program and find serenity.
As for me, I stay for financial reasons and because it's better now than it's been, as far as the abuse goes and the alcoholism (my RAH is working recovery now...slowly). I also stay because, like MaryJane, it is the devil I know. I figured that since things aren't awful and things are livable, I might as well stay while I work a stronger program where I feel ready to make a decision in the future.
__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
When or if you're ever ready to leave, you'll know it. The only one that wins with alcoholism is the bottle it seems. It is the worst disease. It sucks anyone has to deal with it, but in this life I have accepted that this is a struggle I have to deal with. Sorry you have to deal with it too.
I am on A#2..I left A#1 about 4 years ago and I still have a lot of issues (anger, guilt, shame, frustration) around it. I still miss him. Leaving an A is very hard because you are leaving the disease and not the person. I am trying to focus on "me" more and it helps in my current situation. I am staying for now, but who knows maybe one day I will leave.
This may sound very strange but sometimes it helps me to think of the struggles some people have to go through (or have gone through), and if this is our struggle compared to some other struggles it doesn't seem so bad (still I know it sucks :)). Hugs
I've stayed for so many reasons, not all of them justifiable!!
I stayed because I thought that everything would be ok with us once I got our finances straight.
I stayed because I valued all of our shared memories.
I stayed because I wanted us to be the way we were.
I stayed because I believed that we would be amazing people if we could get through this together.
I stayed because I didn't understand what was going on and I thought that I would never find out if I left.
I stayed because I wasn't going to have another woman push me out of my home and take my husband. (What was I thinking on that one!!!!)
I stayed because he stopped drinking for thirty days.
I stayed because he stopped drinking for three months.
I stayed because I wanted to believe in him.
I stayed because my mother died and I felt very lonely and insecure.
I stayed because I was exhausted.
I stayed because, just for today, it wasn't that bad and all was calm.
I stayed because perhaps I would just be taking my troubles with me.
I stayed because he stopped drinking for ten months.
I stayed because I thought that I was going to be able to find my own happiness in this beautiful place, regardless of AH.
I stayed because not staying meant, for me, giving up hope. (I think that I should be asking myself 'hope of what.')
I stayed because I had become scared of the unknown.
I stayed because I had become unsure of myself.
I stayed because I was learning to stand up to abuse and to voice my needs.
I stayed because I did not see the harm that staying was doing to me.
I stayed because I wanted to be a wife, a mother and a good neighbor. I stayed because I believed in the vows I had made. I stayed because I trusted that I'd made my bed and I needed to sleep in it. I stayed because I believed that what God had put together I didn't have the right to "put asunder." I stayed because I didn't want my children to live without a father and a mother in the house because that was the tradition for my family. I stayed because I had no models for what to do when the husband was an active A and an abuser. I stayed because I thought I had to stay. I stayed because no one around me would have approved me getting a divorce. I stayed because my parish priests asked me what I was doing to bring on the abuse and told me I couldn't get a divorce in the eyes of God. I stayed because I was working part-time and didn't know how I would support myself and two little children. I stayed because I was very confused and traumatized by the abuse and the disease.
Then, one day, I woke up and moved on.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 27th of July 2014 08:08:55 AM
I stayed mostly because of my pride and my "shoulds" instilled in me by misguided cultural beliefs, but I did not know until I began my recovery. A great question... journal and see what comes up for you. Remember you have choices regardless of what you see or hear. Choosing to stay or go because YOU choose (with the answer to your question) is empowering. I believe we need to discover what beliefs and pieces of self are running beneath the surface, not what our mind tells us, in order to make aware choices. This is where a sponsor/sponsee relationship is essential.
-- Edited by PP on Sunday 27th of July 2014 08:31:05 AM
I thought I stayed way too long, but maybe, just maybe I stayed until I was ready to leave. When you think of your future with this person and the hollow pit in you stomach and the feeling of despair is so great-when the knowledge of what your life will continue to be if you stay scares you less than the thought of leaving...then you will make the decision to reclaim your own life....The unknown is scary...but sometimes what you are living is even more frightening.
Trust yourself and believe in your ability to make your life what it is meant to me....
I stayed because I was in denial for so long, I thought it was something he would just snap out of. I stayed because by the time I realized it was a solid problem, I already invested so much effort that "I'm not gonna throw in the towel now". I stayed because I became so good at juggling my AH's problems, finances, kids and work that it then became normal (huh?). I stayed because I loved the man so deeply it was hard not helping him. I stayed because I knew one day we were going to be free of this and eventually be grandparents one day, celebrating wonderful holidays with our family. I stayed because when he was sober he was awesome, and I wanted to fight for that. I stayed for my vows, my children, my values and the hope for a peaceful future. I stayed because I was scared, unclear, over-consumed, tired and too fearful to leave and venture into the unknown.
