The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, I am new here, I see all of you and the stories sound all too familiar. I can say that I have gotten strength from knowing I'm not alone. Although I am alone in my life a lot of the time. My A chooses to go out drinking, and not stay home, he currently has a court date for the last drinking incident, it's almost a DUI except they didn't catch him when he was driving. His lies and deceipt are too much for me. I feel like I have been having an axiety attack for hours now. I went to the movies with a friend today and specifically asked him if he was going out to drink when I was gone. He was insistent that he was staying home and then when I get home and see that he hasn't been home since I was I notice that he stole the credit card out of my wallet when I was in the shower earlier that day.
I am at a loss here, I just want to know when enough is going to be enough for me, we are moving really close to my family in about a month, and my hometown, and where my children live with my mom. Why can't I just say "THAT'S IT !!!!!!!! " and be done with him? I guess I have a long way to go before I am healed enough to make my out, it's just that he was sober for 3 months and I was really starting to have hope that things were honestly going to change. I am so frustrated and hurt and worried that I just don't know what to do with myself. Sometimes it isn't that easy to detatch when when I'm sitting home all by myself with nothing to do but think about him and worry. Doesn't he even care about me?
Nobody but you can possibly know when enough is enough for you. You are definitely not alone, take some comfort from that. This program helps us pick up tools to cope and live. Reading and learning about the disease might help you find the answers to some of your questions.
Welcome to MIP!!! I care how u feel even if he doesn't! I don't know about anyone else but...if anyone takes my credit card out of my wallet. I am so done...but that is me...if not you then next time hide your wallet better! Or shower when you can see him or when he is not home.
A beautiful al-anon sister told me once, How do you know when an alcoholic is lying? Their lips are moving. Enough is enough when you say so. I was told not to do anything for 1 year. I look back and think.....I wish I would have filed for divorce first. Instead he filed and it gave him the upper hand and he went for the throat and that almost killed me emotionally. Do whatever you have to do to protect yourself and your children.
Now I just focus on what I can control! The stuff I can't control is just wasting my precious energy! My first al anon lesson was the 3 C's. I did not cause it, I cannot control it, I cannot cure it. I can however figure out how to cope and come out alive and yes even happy.
The only way we can get well is to stop thinking about them. We learn to do for ourselves.
What makes ya do nothing? Maybe find one thing ya like to do, and begin doing it. Take little steps. Maybe go to an exercise class or go to the library.
What do you like? Find your passion and go for it and don't let anyone or anything stop you. Right now his disease is taking you down with him.
How can he use your credit card? That is theft. I myself would let him suffer the natural consequences. If he uses it, tell him you are turning him in and do it. I am sying that is what I would do.
I know how a period of sobriety can give us hope. But they are A. This is part of the disease. They can be on a program for years then one day relapse. Then be sober a month and relapse. There is no routine to it, there are no promises. It is a life long disease.
Most all relapse. So the decision many of us has to make is do we want to live like this forever. Do we want to watch them get sicker and sicker, watch them lose jobs, get dui's go to jail, steal, lie.
They love the drug more than us, it is their passion and they are controlled by it. It is a very hard sad reality we have to face. It does not get better. We have to get better and learn to just love them and expect nothing. It is very hard.
So we go to meetings, come here and go to our chat. Literature is helpful too.
We learn to put up definite boundaries. We stick to them too.
Anyway welcome. Get the book," Getting Them Sober." It will help you a whole bunck love,debilyn
Each of your replies has made me cry tonight, I realize every day a little more that I am not willing to live like this for the rest of my life. I am just so scared to be by myself and scared of missing him so much, I truly love him and when he is sober we have the closest relationship that I have ever been in.
I need to make a little revision though, maybe I should have worded better the first time. It was his credit card that he took today. We both made a decision that we would keep it in my wallet so that way neither of us could use it without the other one there. This is really sad for me to say, but it is the truth.............anytime he has money or a credit card or access to the bank he WILL go out drinking. I worry about the finances of course, but I mostly worry about him driving drunk, we even recently attended a victim's panel and it definately affected me way more than him. Every time he is out I pray that he doesn't hurt or kill anyone else or himself.
Hi Lynn first of all big hugs from Australia. My advice for the moment is not to make any big change yet unless you feel you are ready for it. This however does not apply if you ever feel that your wellbeing and safety could be compromised. Try and get yourself to some al-anon meetings or join us in the chatroom they have meetings there that are run very professionally and you can either contribute by posting what you are feeling or just listen and observe everyone else until you are ready. Are you happy to be moving closer to your family or are you worried that others may sense everything is not right with your husbands drinking? You are not alone if you feel this way. I live in a very small town where at times you feel like you are under a microscope and because of my husbands drinking have isolated myself socially. I am now much stronger through this board and the alanon program and I don't focus as much on his needs but rather how I can stay healthy. My husband lost his licence for DUI and is now in the process of getting it back. Keep posting here and if you are worried about the financial side of it with the credit card can you take your name off it and get a separate one that way he is responsible for his own actions. Keep your chin up Luv Leo xx
They tell us in Alanon not to give advice but to share our experiences. You have come to the right place - either here or face to face meetings. Take good care of yourself and your family. A's don't care for themselves much less us. And in Alanon they say one day at a time which is what I am trying to do for myself. I have been alone since June and I was really scared but the universe will support you. Ask for help and you will be surprised by the help you get from friends and strangers.
Hi, welcome. One thing many of us have done, or are in the process of learning to do, is to let the drinking go. No counting drinks, pouring out bottles, asking "will you be drinking?". Assume that if he CAN drink, he will. This frees us to focus on what is important to us - is he being abusive, calling me names, yelling at me, or is he just sitting there watching a movie with a beer in his hand? To me, one of those is unacceptable, the other, really, is fine.
Another very useful skill is to stay in the moment. If my husband was in the bar, I would spend the evening fretting - is he just having a couple, or will he come home plastered and start in on me? What kind of a day did he have at work, will he be in a good mood, or a bad one? I had no control over any of this, but I chose to spend my evening worrying over it anyway. Then, once he came home, half the time he was in a mellow mood, and would just give me a kiss and go pass out. So, that whole evening of anxiety was four or five hours of unhappiness that was MY doing, not his. I could have taken the kids to the playground, read with them, done some yoga, and gone to bed. And, eventually, this is what I learned to do. Whether I spent the evening worrying or enjoying myself had no impact on how he would behave once he got home. (Well, that's not really true - sometimes he would come home prepared to be in a good mood, but since I had been fretting for hours, I would be tense, anxious, and angry. He would sense this (maybe because I would hit him with "Where the hell have you been?" the second he got through the door) and trouble would soon follow. When he came home to a peaceful home and me asleep, I won't say life was always a bed of roses, but half the time he would just go to sleep too)
Hi Lynn, I know exactly how you feel. My husband doesn't seem to care about leaving my son and me home alone while he's out having fun. I hate the selfishness that seems to come with alcoholics. I keep asking myself the same question: when is enough, enough? I wish you the best.
Was he sober (working a program and attending meetings) or was he just not drinking? Alcoholism is a progressive illness and if he is not in a treatment program, it will get worse and likely he will be unable to stay away from the alcohol.
Only you can say when enough is enough. Even though, for today, you chose to stay, you can certainly thing about putting some boundaries in place.
We were going to move closer to my father, but I was so ashamed of my husband's drug use that i chose not to move. I really missed out on being close to my family because of my shame.
Keep coming back. Take what you like and leave the rest.
