The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I don't know where else to post this - I can really relate to some of the posts here & I feel in a way this is similar. So maybe some of you will have some suggestions?
I'm currently living with my parents (one of the worst decisions I ever took, but it was a learning experience as well). They're not alcoholics (my Mom's Dad & my Dad's brother were), though I noticed Dad's been drinking more recently, and am a bit terrified he might slip into something like that now that he's retired. But that's not the main concern. This is:
Granny will be out of the hospital in a week or so, and I wish to stay home to help take care of her, and another part of me just wishes to go away, move out...
She's been worrying over me and Sis too, so I wish to get a job or go away just to make them not worried, though this will increase my anxiety & imply my lack of serenity. What I truly want is to write my stuff in peace and *then* get another job. The last job I had was so strenuous for me that I couldn't write much along. My main 'real job' options are teaching or translating, and these are all strenuous. I don't feel I have the energy for either right now. I can't concentrate much at home, so this is a problem. (I'm not sure I could self-discipline myself to do much home-based work.)
There have been so many conflicts at home... We're definitely incompatible. (Dad is an early riser, I'm a night owl, which he can't understand, etc.) They want a 'conventional' daughter but I'm artsy, creative... I've been writing a book, short stories and lyrics... Gave myself 6 months to write the book, but have since October (when Dad was to get retired) felt so bad I couldn't bring myself to do much creative work. He keeps complaining about money, being negative... putting me or my feelings down... doing random stuff that has made me angry...
My self-esteem is really rock-bottom, I don't even dare send my lyrics around to interested people or go to job interviews (I applied to some jobs last autumn after Dad kept freaking out about his retirement so much, and not getting the jobs I didn't even want doesn't do wonders for self-esteem either.)
I feel like they're expecting I land another 'conventional' job right now, & that I'm a great disappointment to them right now, and moving out would be a huge relief. We're all under a lot of stress. We don't know if the cyst Granny had removed was cancer or not, but the Docs said it didn't spread, and that everything was removed. They didn't make the colon test yet cause she's been too weak since November.
I wanted to move out last autumn, but then Granny was very ill and came to stay with us, and I felt needed.
I'm currently not working but have the funds to live alone (just don't want to spend all of them), and would be in my opinion more likely to get a job etc. if I found serenity.
A friend of mine wants me to apply for a job where we'd spend 6 months abroad. I'm not sure I want to, but the money might be good. Well, I could still do that next year.
I've put my life 'on hold' for various family emergencies or similar before, and have used other people (including Granny) as an excuse not to do what I really want. I don't want to do this, but on the other hand, it might be the last months of my Granny (whom I love very much!) But I know I'm of no use to her grumpy!
I'd sOOOO love to please everyone - including me! - but just don't know how to??!!
Any suggestions?
Thank you for reading this and hopefully answering - I've been mulling these over for a while but I just feel I've been getting nowhere - so any thoughts will be greatly appreciated!
Don't know what you should do, but you could make a start by putting yourself at the top of your list of people to please. If none of these other people were there, had no claims on you, what would you do - YOU, as you are now, with the strengths and weaknesses that you really have? Once you have some idea of that, then take a look at the claims that others have on you - which do you really want to fulfill? Which satisfy something in yourself, as well as satisfy other people? Which are the ones that, looking back on it, you will say - "yes I had to put my dreams on hold for a short time, but I am so glad I ......" and of which will you say "I feel now that I have wasted so much time"?
Are you setting conditions on your actions that aren't really there? Are you thinking "The only way for me to be there for my grandmother is to live with my parents" when that may not necessarily be so? Maybe a little creative thinking would be in order - there may be other solutions to the problems that you have not considered. Do some serious thinking about what you are accepting as a 'given'. For instance, there may be some non stressful part time job you could take that would eke your savings out a little longer, but not commit you to anything in the long term.
Another thing to look at it how much you are contributing to your own unhappiness - that is, is it the comments and actions of others that are making you unhappy, or is it your REACTION to those comments? It is possible to say, to criticism "Thanks for giving me your insight, I'll think about that" and let it go. Woudl it be possible to continue living with your parents for a bit, if you made some changes to the way you relate to them?
I don't know the answer to any of these questions, but I am sure that if you think about them, you will come up with some new ways to approach your problems.
I have an 18 year old son who is working a dead end job by day and playing in a rock band at night. Not my ideal of what I want him to do but that doesn't make me love him any less. I may "suggest" things to him, but ultimately he will do what he wants. I'm sure your parents love you, even if your opinions differ. Do what feels right for you, and try not to base your decision on spite, but rather what would make you happiest.
6 months away to spread your wings might give you the space to clear your head. Don't give up on your writing, your passion. Best of luck in whatever you decide.
You really pointed out some things I haven't thought about. Maybe I was 'setting conditions' on my actions. I truly believe I can be more 'of use' if I come to visit once or twice a week, and am then in a truly 'top' shape to help...
I had a discussion with my parents - Dad didn't have a clue how much his remarks first thing in the day hurt me. We cleared some things. I admitted I overreacted & raised the voice a couple of times myself, cause I wanted to be heard, & felt he couldn't hear me. I told him I had no desire to rise up early and bump into him first thing in the morning to bring me down with a put-down remark. He said he didn't know what to talk about with me!! Ugh!Hopefully we'll find another subject matter from now on! & I'll work on getting up earlier.
I realized I was probably feeling guilty about the whole thing - Mom said it was me who brought the whole job thing up the other day though I remember it as being her who brought it up. She also came up with a couple of suggestions (as 'wacky' as helping out at the local cable TV station and writing stories into local magazines - Mom way surprised me!)
Sorry if this is confused - I'm still a wee bit in turmoil. Thanks!!
I'm so glad you didn't just say 'get a job & move out'.
I am really thankful. I feel like you both really listened to me. Thank you!
bcanuck - I hope all works out well for your son. If he wants, he can still get education and/or a better job later! (I know a guy who had fun, played in a rock band, toured around a lot, but as they didn't make much money, so at age 30 or so he applied for a course to be a teacher of EFL (English as a Foreign Language) and travel/live around the world teaching.) You're a wonderful mother to let your son live out his dream!! I'm sure he'll always remember that!
Unfortunately, my parents were always 'too concerned' about my future and my career... I was always too concerned with their opinions of me or what was 'right' for me - I was sure my Dad would find singing in a rock band or being an 'artist' sinful! (He's very Catholic!) Might not be so, after all! - But I didn't stand up for what I really wanted for a waaay too long time!
There's a rock band in question too ;) that expressed interest in my songs and/or singing, but I was too shy to volunteer any! (And wondering if there would be any $ compensation whatsoever - I don't think my songs are *that* great but it would be nice to get some recognition for them anyway! and then I wasn't sure whether to try 'getting them out' myself, or joining with these people.. - More decisions to boggle my mind...)
Love & blessings to you, this has really helped me a lot!
If anyone has any other suggestions or ideas, I'll really appreciate them! Thanks!
