The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I think that I am doing ok and then whammeee, I am sinking again. I guess the awareness that I am sinking is progress, it allows me to do something about it. I am trying so hard to just do the next right thing, to take things a day at a time, but it is just so hard. Sometimes, especially when I feel the way I am feeling right now, I just want to give up, to give in, to go back, to let my A come home, to just say it is going to be ok because in this moment that would be easier. I know what would happen, after all nothing changes if nothing changes. I can see the parallell to the A. That urge to just drink, it would make it better for the moment, take the pain away, but then.... well we all now what then. I want to be strong, yet I am really weak. I want a hug, but am scared to ask for it, I will get sucked back in. You know what though, when I think I am being strong I don't want the hug, I wanat to get better. Today I do not want to get better, I just want to give in and give up, to call him, to tell him I miss him, that I love him. Is it because I am scared, Hell yeah, I am scared. This just sucks!!!!
Thank you all so much for the support and encouragement that I know I will find here, it is a lifesaver and I know that if I give in, give up, that I will give that up. For in giving in and giving up I would lose this program and return to the insanity eventually.
Nothing much to say except hang in there - there is nothing wrong with wanting comfort and love. The price you have had to pay for it may have been too high in the past, but it's still natural to want it.
Once we really know it is a disease, then of course we accept that we love them. If it were a brain disease making them act this way, or cancer, we would not think of not loving and wanting them.
It is ok to love and want them. What isn't ok, at least for me, is to think it will ever go back to where it was when he was sober in AA and we had just gotten married.
I know for me Lynn, I have learned that no matter what, I love him. Does not mean I will take any crap. But I am comfortable now with the feelings I have. Been thru the ringer here, as others. Like when we try not to love them. I don't believe that is possible. At least not for me. If I love someone, I do forever. Does not mean I have to be around them or live with them.
I get these crazy thoughts how I need him, I could go to him. But the reality is I won't be fulfilled. He cannot give to me anything becuz he cannot even love himself. He has no concept what it is anymore.
All he knows is he feels things for me and does not want anyone else. He could never tell me what made him love me.
I tell my A that I love him but hate what he does and hate the disease. And when I can't bear it I say I need a hug. Even though I think he really doesn't deserve a hug but he needs one too. I think that you can have a disjointed relationship that consists of some things that work and avoid those things that don't work.
Lynn,last night my A husband( "recovering") came home from a church meeting,he was a confirmation sponsor for his nephew.( It's a Catholic thing) Anyway, he was dressed up in his white shirt and dress pants and he looked so attractive to me.I started wondering if we could work things out and not separate if things don't work out with his online girlfriend.( it's amazing how fast I go there!).Then this morning I said one wrong thing while we were drinking coffee and the full blown A jerk appeared.Not so attractive any more.I remembered why the separation is a good idea.He said the meanest things,had this ugly look on his face.Blew up over nothing,something I said that he naturally took wrong.I have been keeping a journal on my computer.I write down the mean things he says and does so I can I remind myself why I need to get away from him.I just never know what will set him off.One day I just said my back hurt and he screamed "what do you want me to do about it!".A journal is a good idea if you can remember to read it during those times that you get weak.Like I said it's amazing how fast I want to drop it all and go running back to the comfort of the familiar.Then something like that happens and the familiar is not so comfortable anymore.Stay strong.
I left my husband in September and came back October 1. I didn't come back because I wanted to or because I believed all of his lies. I came back because it was easier. It was easier than listening to him rant, rage, beg, threaten and question me every day. It was easier than explaining myself to everyone. It was easier than starting over...scared and alone. I am back. I love my husband, but he nor the situation has changed. By coming back, I have shown him that I accept his behavior and accept him as he is. He no longer bothers to try to stay away from the drugs if a craving hits. He no longer attempts to get better. I wish I would not have given in and taken the easy way out. Stay strong and do what is right for you. You have to live with your own decisions in the long run.
