Dear Friends,
Thank you for all your posts out here. They mean a lot to me.
I have something that I am learning about myself right now, and I hope this will be helpful to someone else. It will also do me good to share.
I have been surrounded by alcoholics my whole life. My family has been "leveled" by the disease of alcoholism, and this continues to be a deep sorrow for me.
Lately, I have been dealing with a lot of anxiety over some changes coming into my life. Today I realized, as I was doing ordinary things like mopping and dusting (how symbolic!) that whenever someone around me does not have good boundaries, I get very anxious and then I get depressed. This is the first time I've realized this connection about myself. I think it is a deep part of my disease.
The anxiety also seems to be mixed with shame. These are big things to me! They make me automatically think something is wrong with me! Then I go inside, and I search around outside of me, blaming the other person and getting mad. But all the while, I blame myself, while not really getting in touch with my own anger at being violated.
I think I am powerless over my anxiety. It is something I can't control. Of course, I can "handle" it with medication, getting depressed, etc., but I can't control when it comes up in me. I don't know enough about it, or I'm not over it, or I'm still hooked by something I learned when I was very young in my family. Whatever, I don't completely understand. As the program says, "More will be revealed."
Thanks to all of you for being here.
mebjk