The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
i know that some of you guys think that that i have an unhealthy attitude towards the situation with my dad. i'm not trying to hurt anyone's feelings, and it is no one in paticular. i just hear myself tell myself:"it's his fault! it's not a disease! he chose drinking over his family! how could he do this to me & my kids?!!"
when i read the reply to some of my posts, i feel bad about my thoughts. i guess i believe some basic concepts and then have some controversial concepts that most of you don't agree with: 1) he is an alcoholic(no surprise there), 2)he was born an alcoholic (b/c other faily members were also), 3)just b/c he was born one doesn't mean he has to be one (he chooses to drink), 4)it IS his fault (maybe not on purpose, but it certainly wasn't my fault).
I JUST DON'T GET IT!!!!!!!!!!
if you had cancer and there was a treatment readily available...you would take it, right? i guess i feel the same way about my dad. i can totally relate. i have epilepsy (seizure disorder). if i don't take my meds everyday--i have seizures. so i take my meds--it's that simple!
i like coming to this site. it makes me feel better. everyone is supportive, but i feel like i am the negative voice here (i know NOT ALWAYS). i know that i am complaining today, but i just feel irritated today. my day is still early. i hope the rest of the day gets better.
My A was diagnosed with a rare and dealy form of cancer 7 years ago. At the time of dx, he was given 6 - 12 months to live. We opted for a second opinion. That land him with the removal of a lung, his diaphragm and his paracardium. His left lung works at 50% capacity and his heart is damaged from the surgeries and radiation. (chemo was for 4 months and radiation was everyday, twice a day, for 6 weeks). He's had 3 heart attacks and currently has 3 stents in his main right coronary artery. I tell you this because of your statement. He CHOSE to have this radical surgery and treatments to save his life. Then what does he do? He drinks and he drinks and he drinks. Because? He could give you every reason in the book. Even considering the fact that his DT's nearly killed him! Two years sobriety and "a couple beers isn't gonna hurt anything". That's when I realized that he doesn't have a choice when it comes to the aolcohol. He can't control it, it controls him. And as difficult as that is for me to understand, I have to. I have to come to peace with that. And I hope that you can do the same. This disease that consumes everyone around the addict drives us all insane. How can a person that's been given a second chance on life throw it away in a bottle? When so many others that have been diagnosed with the same thing have died. Like the man that ran everyday, didn't smoke, didn't drink....why does he die and the alcoholic live? I doesn't make sense. But I know that it's not for me to make sense out of anymore. I completely relate to what you're saying, I've thought it myself. But then again, I don't like being fat......why keep eating the stuff I do then? Why do I still smoke when I know the dangers. Addiction is a terrible thing...it consumes and destroys if we allow it. We can't help them, but I will be darn sure that I turn this around to help myself.
I'm sorry, I was trying to respond and ended up on the soap box.
Remember that this is the place you can take what helps you and leave the rest. That should help when you read the posts. As you get to know yourself better and trust your gut, you will know whole heartly that you are doing what is best for you. Hang in there. Be gentle with yourself.
I guess the point is - in the end it doesn't really matter whether he can help it or not. What matters is how YOU are dealing with it. If the attitude that "It IS his fault" is keeping you angry and resentful, unable to go on with life and find joy in YOUR life, then it is not an attitude that you want to have. If, however, it helps you to find peace with your choices, then it is.
The whole point of alanon is to help us to keep our lives from being ruined by someone else's drinking, and to help us heal from the damage already done. I don't really know what will help you, all I know is what helped me. If my experience is useful to you, use it. If it isn't, you don't have to. And, as you find things that help you live a more peaceful and happy life, you can share them and maybe help me.
i know that some of you guys think that that i have an unhealthy attitude towards the situation with my dad...
how could he do this to me & my kids?!!" ...
4)it IS his fault (maybe not on purpose, but it certainly wasn't my fault). I JUST DON'T GET IT!!!!!!!!!!:
No, it certainly is NOT your fault. And I do understand your anger and rage, as I think most of us here do. Having said that...
We come to Al-Anon because someone's drinking is affecting our own life. We want answers, we want solutions. We want it to be all better. We want them to stop.
What we learn here is that we have choices. Those choices are: we can continue to play the blame game and be full of the anger and rage and hurt and just continue the vicious circle this disease causes..... OR we can learn acceptance (we cannot change anyone but ourself), compassion (as previous poster wrote "He can't control it, it controls him."), detachment with love (learning to lovingly detach from their self-created crises, allowing them to deal with consequences of their own actions and not involve ourselves in it), and most of all, we can learn to love ourself and our own life, to love ourself enough to want to forgive ourself and others so that we can remove those negative feelings from our mind and hearts and find our way to recovery and serenity for ourself. We can break the cycle of hate and anger by becoming ourself what it is we seek for others... love, peace, serenity. This may not change anything for the other person, but our own changed attitude will certainly change things for us, and if you have kids, it can change things for them too. They need at least one healthy parent to learn from, otherwise they too will continue that vicious circle of anger and hate and intolerance of others.
My favorite 4 lines out of How Al-Anon Works, p. 87 "Forgiveness is no favor. We do it for no one but ourselves. We simply pay too high a price when we refuse to forgive... Although we may despise what others have done, if we keep in mind that everything we are now trying to do has the goal of healing us, we are bound to decide that the best thing we can do for ourselves is to forgive."
Keep coming back (((flintfeet))). It's a process, but YOU are worth it!!!
__________________
Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
My situation involves my 21 year old daughter who I blamed myself for awhile for giving birth to her. As the disease progressed for her (at college) I was not seeing it. Then when she asked for help after being in jail for drinking and coming home for treatment, I saw how it is a disease and it had taken over my daughter! It is in both our family sides this horrible awful alcoholism! I just never knew it would happen to her. I have seen her struggle so hard. She has been at a friends house and stolen alcohol out of the cupboards just from seeing it and going to the bathroom and drinking it all up! This was not the daughter that I raised. She wandered around town one night in the cold half dressed not knowing who she was or where she was. She called the police from a grocery store telling them somone attacked her. They came and found her in the bathroom and she resisted arrest! She ended up in jail again and did not remember any of that. It was from alcohol and nothing else! She craved for so long even while going to AA. The craving goes into their dreams and they call them using dreams. I began to see that this IS A DISEASE and saw how badly she wanted to end it. She had been raped while blacked out and who knows what else. They are learning more about this disease now and may have found the gene responsible for it.(according to Liza Minelli on a recent show) I am coming from a different point of view as you. I just thought if I shared from a mother's view watching her daughter suffer with alcoholism maybe it may help you in some way. What it comes down to as said in previous replies is taking care of us and knowing we have no control over the alcoholic. Working my alanon program instead of trying to figure out why she has to have this horrible disease and focusing on me helpe me so much. IT helped me to heal and know that I became as crazy as she was at one point. IT is a family disease afterall. It affects all of us. You are entitled to your feelings and your opinions. Maybe put some of your questions on the back burner about it being a disease and just focus on you and your anger and feelings of betrayal and your losses for not having the dad you deserved to have. Wishing you all the best in your recovery. your friend in recovery, cdb xoxoxoxoxoxo
). i know that i am complaining today, but i just feel irritated today. my day is still early. i hope the rest of the day gets better.
