Everything is a lie... - Al-Anon Family Group

deramam · Veteran Member

Everything is a lie...

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

I am so sorry for your pain, you being clean for a year, I am suggesting very very strongly that you go to even more meets, work with sponsor if you have one (hope u do b/c hard times are looking to be ahead) and working the steps, slogans...

now u r really needing to keep the focus on you.....lying is unacceptable to me and sadly it goes w/ addiction of any kind if they are not working a real serious program for a long time......

u can't control this...you never caused it...and you will never cure it.....he has to take that step to get help or keep "playing" the bs games that addicts not serious and committed will do.....they will bs, manipulate, lie, con, use, blame, refuse to take responsibility for their wrongs until they belly up to steps 1,2,3 and really do a hard step 4 ...

so sorry, but u have your own troubles and a little son who needs at least one parent in decent enough shape to make his life livable....sooo sad to hear this, but not surprised....my X's were liars too ....i've been single now for 14 years and i am better off being that way then living that rollar coaster......

take care of you...

-- Edited by neshema2 on Saturday 14th of June 2014 10:37:35 PM

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I empathize deramam. I do hear strength in your post though because you have a year sober despite all this. This gives you some unique ability to spot the BS because you know exactly what addiction feels like and probably have done/said a lot of those lies yourself (just like me also). My own sobriety made it so I could not tolerate living with active addiction or an addict with crappy/shaky sobriety. I was just so done with that and it sounds like you are too.

Keep up your own sobriety and being a good mom. Also, be good to yourself. Those things are more important than anything. They said when I got sober, I would have to leave some folks behind. I did, it wasn't easy, but I don't regret it.

glad · ~*Service Worker*~

It helped me so much when someone told me when you think of the word alcoholic in the dictionary put the word Lie teller.. right beside it.

I know with my ex A it was just a part of who he was, he lied to me for sport I think, and then you should see what most people might think was sincere sadness in his eyes when I pointed out a lie, as if I had just driven a knife through his heart.. he lied to everyone else too even those he supposedly loved like his mother ugh,,..even when the truth made more sense?

It was an alcoholic family trait too... his sister, mom, dad all told lies to everyone about everything... I've talked to many others who have loved alcoholics, who say the same thing, truth is just not a part of alcoholism!

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I see a lot of truth here that I'm happy to see. I've learned that if I focus on truth, I get more of the same. If I focus on lies, those grow, too. I'd rather spend time with people who tell the truth then people who don't. I've had to admit to myself somewhere along the line that if I'm a truth teller, then I need to spend the bulk of my time with others who tell the truth and I do. The truth isn't always pretty and it sometimes can be pretty ugly, but it sure beats the kind of lying that looks so good on the surface but underneath it's just a crazy-making disease. Glad you're here. Glad you've been working your program. Glad you're experiencing what lying feels like to you and sharing that. I can't be around lying for long or people who use drugs or alcohol or play nicey-nice when they don't mean it. Glad you're here. Thanks for sharing what is true for you. You're not alone. Keep going and growing in your program work. Looks good on you.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 15th of June 2014 02:44:30 PM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 15th of June 2014 02:46:44 PM

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

glad you shared.

Remember being A is so much more than using any drug. If he is not going to AA, reading literature, changing things about his ways, he is not in recovery.Has never been. All he is doing is manipulating to get what his selfish self wants.

I am sad you will lose your marriage, but seriously is it not really only a piece of paper now? The man you want to love is very sick. He will never be cured, and everytime he relapses he will be right back to where he left off.

Do you really want your child around this? I know it is horrible. It is. But there is a better life for you honey and your sweet baby. Its up to you to decide what you are going to do.

hugs!

deramam · Veteran Member

Thank you everyone for all of your responses. They really brought me back to myself while I was going crazy in my head. I forget how hard it is to be dealing with an active addiction (I am one yr sober from opiates). My recovery came easy to me and I don't even think about using now because as I have watched him it makes me more and more sober.

A lot has actually happened since I posted that. I was giving him the cold shoulder and hurting him with silence because that is the way I know I can make him hurt like how he's hurt me. When I finally opened my mouth everything from the past came out along with a lot of mean degrading words which sent him in a drunken rage.

Now that the fight is over, I feel completely to blame for the fight that happened and for pushing every button until he ran to alcohol since it's the easiest thing for him to do. I so easily forget that he is trying to get sober and by bringing up the past will not help us get better.

I don't know how to get over all the stuff he's done and when I bring the past up he goes out and drinks causing me to be angry at the new stuff he does.

I can't seem to help the vicious cycle we are in.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, deramam: If he's going to get a drink, is that working the program? I don't think we can make anybody drink or not drink. I also don't think anybody can make me angry. I can feel angry but it isn't because of the other person in my experience. Were you able to get to a meeting for you? I've discovered that if I'm feeling particularly stressed, angry, frustrated, etc, it helps to go to a meeting, share honestly with my sponsor how I am feeling, or calling a fellowship member because none of the folks in the meetings are emotionally caught up the cycle and therefore help me see a different way to handle something or to drop it. I can remember urges within myself to say something that later I would regret. I needed an outlet in some cases other than the person I was feeling angry or resentful towards. I can now recognize the urges for what they are - generally the ego pushing - and recognize danger if I act on them. Al-Anon has helped me so much with this. I've lost it myself at times with my own As. I've learned to make a genuine amends that included a change of behavior - in some cases - because I truly got tired of the drama and picking up the mess I dropped on my side of the street. You're not alone in this either.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 16th of June 2014 11:26:04 PM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 16th of June 2014 11:26:34 PM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 16th of June 2014 11:35:00 PM

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

You can't make him drink. If he has you believing that your arguments and bringing up the past "make" him drink, that's part of the cycle right there. These fights are pretty upsetting. Are you out shooting up heroin now? Doesn't sound like it. Some how you don't relapse after them and he does and it's your fault? How is that?

It's very sad how some of us are able to build lasting sobriety while others can't or wont. To simplify it, that is what I see as at the root of the dilemma here...and it's not your fault but it can possibly be something that makes you incompatible now. That is understandable but very difficult to go through.

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Deramam,

Have you been to any Al Anon meetings? Now that you are sober, you can work on your relations with the active alcoholic in your house, and learn even more tools to help you in other situations of life. Fights and how to deal with aftermath, and preventing aftermath by preventing fights with alcoholics are a common topic amongst Al Anon. Please keep coming back here and check out an Al Anon meeting too.

enny

deramam · Veteran Member

there aren't really any meetings near me. i don't go to NA meetings around here because the people arent serious and a lot of them come just because they think they can find easy dealers. There used to be alanon meetings like 30 mins away but that is a little too far and they don't seem to be having them posted anywhere anymore.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

pinkchip wrote:

It's very sad how some of us are able to build lasting sobriety while others can't or wont. To simplify it, that is what I see as at the root of the dilemma here...and it's not your fault but it can possibly be something that makes you incompatible now. That is understandable but very difficult to go through.

oh is THAT ever the truth.....I have my BFF who has been sober 30 years....a BMF who has been sober for over 25 years.....to me they work their program and they have built lasting, good lives........an A CAN make a good life...Be a good parnter....BE SOBER.....IF he/she wants to and works the program.....I have seen my A friends making it decades after getting into program and when they are provoked, attacked or triggered??? they work the program and defuse it..........NOBODY makes another drink or use....that is total BS

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Meetings here on-line twice a day if no one mentioned that to you? I know we have several posters who have mentioned they really like those meetings and the on-line chats, too.

deramam · Veteran Member

I do online NA meetings and I like those. I looked for meetings again near me and I still havent found any. I will do mtgs online here

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Great! Good beginning with the Al-Anon program at our boards. Lots of good people there and it is my understanding that many enjoy the chats following the meetings, too!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Deramam and welcome from the Pacific...Recovery is the same worldwide and we are dealing with a life threatening disease. This isn't about a person being good or bad. It is about the person being sick with the life threatening disease. I also come from the disease of alcoholism and addiction from both sides of my family and to boot I have married addicts and the alcoholic/addicts with lots of the same in between. I've been in recovery a while and have come to understand the disease and the sick people in it. Lying is normal and I found out it had much more to do with fear and a weak ego and self affirmation system than almost anything else. I had to remember why I lied to be able to understand why my alcoholic/addict was lying to me. When I was searching for reality I got the opposite until she got clean and sober. Asking the alcoholic why they are lying isn't (for me) as good as asking them what are they afraid of and then listening closely to the words and the body language. I didn't marry my addicts and alcoholic/addicts to get practice with becoming a therapist and I became one anyway. Seeing myself in the lives of other alcoholics and addicts really helped me to understand. I made much better decisions for myself when I could do this. Keep on looking at what caused you do to the same thing and you will come to understand more. That may not do much for him and it will do a lot keeping you in reality. Keep coming back and checking in with the board and the suggestion for on line meetings is a very good one. ((((hugs)))) smile

deramam · Veteran Member

Thank you to everyone who posted and to whoever sent me the info about the online meeting here. I am grateful for all the help and getting me back to reality while i was upset. thinking clearly isnt one of my strong suits while i am mad and i fly off the handle probably just as good as he does while he's drinking. I will definitely use the online meeting until some pop up around me hopefully.

Beatrice · Senior Member

Remember deramam,

He is not you and you are not him. There is not one formula for human beings.

We all need to find our path of recovery. He will only do it when he is ready.

Meanwhile, that does not diminish your success in the program. Keep working it.

Hugs to you,

Bettina

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.