By telling him you found his empty beer cans and suggesting he think about this........the only thing you're doing is reenforcing a false sense of control in yourself.  He knows how many beers he drank, no need for you to tell him.  If you fool yourself into believing that you reminding him he has a problem will in any way affect his drinking, you're only setting yourself up for more hurt and resentment. 

I believe the first step toward detachment is accepting we are powerless over their addiction.  Once we accept that, then we know in our hearts that anytime we involve ourselves in any way with their drinking/drugging.......we are doing nothing but wasting our time.

There are many ways to detach.....we detach when we stop enabling them in any way (enabling is doing anything for others that they should be capable of doing for themselves),  We detach every time we control our urges to lecture them, offer them books or websites that may help them with their drinking/drugging.  We detach every time we stop revolving our entire lives around them........such as waiting to eat dinner until they come home when they're already late.   We detach when we make plans with a friend and go out for lunch or whatever instead of staying home with the A just in the hopes of preventing them from drinking by us being their.  We detach when we resist the urge to count their drinks, to look for proof that they have been drinking, to go through their call list to see if they've called a drinking/drugging buddy, to go looking for them, to wait up for them to get home etc.

The more we work this program the easier it becomes to detach.  We learn how to detach from the disease without detaching from the person entirely.

Going to face to face meetings, getting a sponsor and working the steps ourselves will all help us learn how to detach and how to live our lives regardless of what the A's are or arent' doing.

Nina,

For me detachment is taking the focus on him and putting it back on me. When I want to say to him "You should be doing ....whatever" I look instead to what I should be doing. I look at why is it bothering me. Letting him be free to make his choices, and then see the full consequences for those choices. That is what I practice. And yes I can do, no I am not able to always do it. Progress, not perfection.

Keep Coming Back!

Much Love,

Thank You, I am going to a face to face on Friday night... I need it...

 It is so funny that you all talk about "taking the focus off the A"   Last night, my A told me I was "self absorbed"  and everything is "all about myself" That I don't care about him.. I had to smile because... that is what I want to be..but am not there yet..!    I guess he thought he was hurting me... and it hurt.. but at the same time... I know I need to get there...too..