The material presented
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Thank you to all who answered my post on Friday. I do feel like I'm making progress in learning to accept that this disease is only part of the problem. The other part of the problem is me, and my desire to control everything in my life. Some days I am so angry at my "a" because he has this problem, I had little time for compassion all I have felt is anger and betrayel. I think most of this anger stems from the fact that no matter how much I monitor or control it won't change the fact that he has a problem with alcohol and he always will. I'm not only powerless over alcohol but the alcoholic himself. I've made myself crazy angry over it. Saturday I had a huge melt down, I think I was finally surrendering to my reality with my relationship. The boys had a birthday party for one of their class mates and I was also on-call. My "a" cancelled his appointment and said he wanted to come to the party. I was thrilled that he said he would come because he rarely does things like this with us. I had to go into the office, pick up the present and got home 30 minutes before the party started. I came home and the kids were still in their P.J.'s and he had not showered. I tried not to say anything I was just rushing around like a crazy person trying to make it. Meanwhile, he's all calm and cool about it and said its just a birthday party its not like we have to be ontime. That upset me because the party was only for 2 hours and that was the boys play time and they were really looking forward to it.
My "a" says if you don't calm down I'm not going to go. I said I'd be fine when we got there. So I rush to get there but can't find the place I'm driving aimlessly around the parking lot and almost hit another van, he yells at me to watch what I'm doing, now I'm panicked and I say something of which I can't remember. He then says take me home I don't want to be here with you. So now I'm pissed because that means going all the way back home and missing more of the party. I don't know what happened to me I just broke down, I really felt defeated. I worked so hard to get the kids ready, get the present, get us there and show up as a family and he says forget it I don't want to be around you. I felt such rejection. I drove home in tears, by this time my son is crying because I'm crying. My "a" says well, we're not a family we're just two parents who can't live together. I dropped the present off at the party and gave my apologies, then dropped the "a" off at home and took the boys for a drive. The rest of the day I was just emersed in great depression, but I think I finally realized that he knows my buttons now. He said those things to hurt me, and he knows how much it bothers me when he cops out on us at the last minute. Knowing this now, I'll be better prepared for the next time. He was cruel, he didn't care how I felt. I have to accept that this is part of the game that alcoholics or dysfunctional people play. I'm one of those dysfunctional people, but I'm learning that I gave him a great deal of power that day. I could have taken him home and went to the party with out him and had a great time. I got too caught up on having everything perfect, and he is right we are not perfect by any means.
I accept that my future is unplanned, my relationship is unpredictable, and I can't control what another human being will do. I can choose to stay focused on my goals and the good things I do have in my life and when someone throws me a curveball, I can dodge it or catch, but I don't have to let it ruin my day or time.
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I could have taken him home and went to the party with out him and had a great time.
OR..you could have continud on, went to the party and let his ass sit in the car! He was manipulating, not just you but your children too. Try not to get sucked in to the insanity. Do what you need to do. I f he wanted to go home, he could have called a friend, a cab or whatever, his choice...but not be allowed to spoil the party for everyone else.
P.S. It always help to have a plan B
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I can totally relate to your day. When there is some function that my A and I have to go to, I am so worried about everything being perfect, because most days are so disfunctional that if I even think that i have a small chance of having a good family day I go totally overboard, if one thing goes wrong I can feel myself start to panic, but I have come to realize that this is mostly for show, with me anyways, I want everyone to think that my life is normal because what goes on usually "in" my house is so abnormal. I want people to look at us and say "aren't they a nice family". Sometimes I know that I am just trying to fool people. As long as no one knows the truth. Because of this I find myself never being able to have a good time, if he's sober I am waiting for that to change and if he has had some to drink I am waiting for him to drink more. I guess thats why we need alanon so much is to try and overcome this and be able to actually enjoy ourselves, and the funny thing is is that no body else has it perfect either, if we only knew what went on in other peoples homes.
Oh this rings a bell! My sister has just gone on her first cruise, and called to tell me we HAVE to all go on a cruise together. Then she started to tell about it, there's liquor, there's gambling, there's shows, there's etc. I am projecting if my a went with me and them, how I am going to feel as he drinks his way to glory, starts being MEAN and gambles a ton and is obnoxious. Put a damper on the phonecall. I need to have plan B in all things. I find that remembering these people love me and did long before he met me - that thought is grounding. It gives me spine. Take care ---Jill
