thank you Rosie, I feel sorry for myself a lot, since my A brother's suicide, life has become a lot more peaceful, no raging at me, no crying on the phone, no desperate calls in the middle of the nite...just this overpowering sense of loss...of  emtiness...of his being gone...and I m still waiting for him to come back...and he never will this time.

I try to understand why we had to go through this..and why I lived and he didn't why he chose drugs and alcohol and I didnt. Im a survivor.

I want to talk about him, in every detail, I want to describe his death, and how I found him in every traumatic way...I want someone to know how I felt, what I was feeling, and what I saw, and all the senses involved..but I can't.  There is no one who could stand to hear it. And the horror would be worst than any terror movie ever made..the senses sickened by the scene..why did I have to be the one to see this? feel this? and left alone to deal with it?

so easy to feel sorry for oneself...and yet the nitemare continues. I have my strength to get me through...but its so hard. I have no real sense of peace..and the 12 steps dont include dealing with an As death. Death is bad enough, but suicide worse. I know I couldnt have stopped him..yet I always wonder...it was his choice, his will at the end..but Im left with all the pieces to pick up and his estate and probs with it ..and him...he would have been 45 in march. He always sent me bd cards..always ...this yr none will come...and Ill be feeling sorry for myself again...and for what we couldnt hang on to..thanks for letting me vent..kat

Wow Rosie,

Thanks for this. It really got me thinking.

I used to feel sorry for myself all the time, except for I tried to fix my A so my life wouldn't be so chaotic. LOL. I always felt like you said.....why me, why was I chosen to deal with all this. Oh what a crappy life I have. I think I will work on my A so my life won't be so crappy.

Funny thing was it never worked.

Now I know that I have to work on me. If I don't want my life to be chaotic I have the power to do that. No more feeling sorry for myself.....well, at least not as often. If I want a changed life, I do it. I work the program, I do what needs to be done.

If I am unhappy now, I have to one to blame but myself.

Doxie

Rosie, thanks for your understanding, I too was on that path, Im thinking I was on that same road.3 yrs ago I had a botched hysterectomy which left me with a very bad condition, which I was house bound, a fistula its called. I needed to have more surg. to repair my bladder which the dr hadnt stitched properly, and had to wait 3 mos for the hyster to heal enough for the other surg. Meantime the dr hadn't told me about instant menopause, and my hormones did a major crash...didn't have proper hrt. I became extremely depressed. my brother mike, had disappeared, people called for him asking, and I had no idea where he was at. Every crash I heard of or truck in the river, I figured it was him...I tried to detach and quit being so worried. I neglected my own care..my husband and kids grew further detached from me. I was a pathetic wreck of myself, always sobbing and with no hope for further surgical repair..the drs wouldnt promise success...I would be doomed to life with a catheter and bag attached to my leg, like I had for all those mos.

I felt like I absolutely couldnt live that way. I just had lost my mom..wished she had been with me during surg. and the kids stayed far away from me..I had absolutely no support. My hubby grew more and more distant and stayed away long hrs ...I felt so alone and unloved. I finally lost it one day...my hubby angry with me took me to the mental facility and checked me in...I was so out of it , I didnt care. It was like the movie one flew out of the cuckoos nest. I had a nurse 'rachet' too..mean nurse.

It was surreal, felt like I was punished for what?  Losing it over my situation. I had an A father who did nt care if I lived or died, missing A brother, my aunt was dying, all the people I cared for were gone it seemed...talk about a pity party...finally got home , thinking I ll never reveal any suicidal thoughts any more to anyone. I had the bladder repair...it was a total success!!! I am now normal in my physical sense..but still carry the chronic depression from my past.

I joined Alanon soon after, Michael had come back into my life. he had approached my father in law for housing when he got kicked out of the mental facility he had been in for alchohol and drug dependency...no where to go..FIL told him to go to the homeless shelter, and there he stayed. So many ups and downs we went on from there...An endless roller coaster,and you know I really hate roller coasters. I kept him away from my kids as much as possible..didnt want them to see him drunk

And his behavior was so unprediable..he would break things in my house, have temper tantrums...yet he was, inside , a peaceful sensitive spirit. That disease was mean spirited and self-destructive. I think Alanon had a lot with helping me gain some strength in dealing with him. And I wish I could get more strength with his passing too..I don't really know where to turn with this kind of grief. Ive joined grief and loss groups went to one at a church..it was ok but didnt meet any friends or supporters, everyone was too much in trauma over their own losses. I loved coming to Alanon because others would share that their world was as "crazy" as mine..and I wasn't the only one. Now I feel like the "only " one again. I wonder if anyone else has experienced this. I don't have a sponser. Not sure if it would help, but it would be nice to share this with someone who has experience...God Bless You, Rosie...I will be 55 feb 19, and still this battle goes on...win the battle but not the war...take care..and thanks for listening I find comfort in your words and sharing the pain...love and hugs, kat