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I think maybe my HP meant for me to hook up with my boyfriend to point out my boundarylessness and how little I do self care. I get absolutely furious with my boyfriend about his boundarylessness and how it affects us. Currently our lawn mower is not working and it is because he lent it to a friend who broke it. Of course that was completely acceptabel and I am just supposed to deal with it like I need to buy a new lawnmower for him to lend it to someone else to break. At the same time our landlord has told us that we need to mow the lawn and I pushed into having to ask the landlord to loan us a lawnmower (after 10 attempts he has not responded yet). The lawnmowing stuff is an issue because my boyfriend would rather be out there people pleasing or socializing than doing stuff around the house. Naturally all the housework is left to me and if he mentions something around the house is not right he makes it into a national emergency. When I pointed out yesterday that some water on the floor was not a national emergency he had a fit. At the same time he is an absolute slob and a totally ocd about saving everything every scrap of paper with no system to it.
I have to pin him down to get him to do anything and it usually involves a huge row. Right now we are moving into a place where the landlord is going to be doing work on the house. I have tried to set boundaries with the landlord on when he can have access (i.e. he should call before he comes over) and my boyfriend totally rolls over on those boundaries. Then it ends up being a crisis. I feel totally wedged in all the time by his constant state of crisis. I feel aboslutely fed up to the nines with my boyfriend's absolute lack of clarity and structure about anything. He is always in a state of anxiety and expects me to always attend to him. I am not doing it anymore. I let him have his emotions after all I need to deal with my own.
I am in the middle of reorganizing my stuff and I am going to just stay out of his stuff. I told him over the weekend that I do not wish to hear about his financial difficulties anymore. I have my own to deal with. The same goes for his health issues. He is great at playing on those when he feels like it. His health issues did not stop him from being wasted the entire Christmas but if I ask for anything like to go to the hardware store to pick up a flower pot you'd think I had asked to go to the moon. When I was a people pleasing martyr he still ran all over me and blamed me for everything. I am not going back to that. I can see how his people pleasing and constant other association affects me. I know I did this to people when I was in other relationships. I cannot do it anymore. I am not supposed to ask for anything not one second but I am supposed to give him every second of my time and energy and everything is always about him and his issues. Either he is on top of me demanding my full attention immediately or he ignores me for weeks on end while he is in some pot induced stupor.
I will be posting more about how my boundaries and organizing is going. I know it will shake him up because he can only exist in chaos. I am so tired of his friends, his using and his issues come first. All he can think of is himself. A friend of mine called and left a message on the phone. He immediately presumed it was for him. After all he is the only one who has friends isn't he? I think that was very very telling. After all he presumes because I am not shouting from the treetops I have no issues.
I am trying right now to save money and pay off my bills so I do not have the space or the time to go out more to ftf in particular (all the ftf are a long way away from me) and I wish I could create that space for myself and have to do it here and in the meeting room. I am so so sick of his chaos and his life dominating every single single second of my time.
His creditors call night an day and I confronted him recently that last year as this year he say he is working extended hours yet he never has a penny to show for it. I was in deep debt last summer, missing payments all the time because I was not working. Once I was working I got back on minimum payments again. I am increasingly convinced every single word that comes out of his mouth is yet another lie. He then lies about the lies and then acts like I am victimizing him for having lied.
My issues are not impinging on him night and day. My friends are not coming over and borrowing the lawn mower and breaking it. My friends are not taking up all my time so I do not have time to go to work. My creditors are not calling night and day. My health is not the priority for him (he always makes his hospital appointments regardless of the fact he tells me is working). I think that what hurts me the most is last year when he was so ill I made it a priority to help him and drained my savings. When I am sick he just goes off with his friends and lies and lies and lies and then lies about the lies. I am never a priority ever. Not once, not ever. I have had to retreat in order to save my mental health and sanity because he and his friends would just drain me like dracula.
hey maresie, when i am in a relationship that absolutely gives me NO blessing whatso ever i get out my "list"
since entering recovery i have had a FEW!! male AND female come into my life and they are TOTALLY a "non blessing"...so i get out my list and i write down......WHAT do i get out of keeping this person around??? (assuming i set boundaries with them and they did not respect them)......
like ok, i had this "family" come into my life in my first year of recovery and i needed a clean name (my rapist was my bio father) and i wanted to get RID of his name..so they provided me with a name--i provided them with help in recovery ect....than the ??? came "WHY am i continuing with them when they INSIST on lying to me---- making broken promises, etc???"
like i could NOT get them to "back up their empty words with actions matching their words"....so WHY did i continue with them???? fear of being alone----- fear of "not having people in my life".....also, i was so clingy....not able to look WITHIN for my love/ truth/ respectful treatment....i was still looking OUTside of me for love/ validation, etc...and i got ZERO from these folks......
when i saw this?? i was able to realize that my hp was telling me "it HAS to begin with me"....i MUST look within for my love/validation, etc......it ISN"T going to come from these dysfunctionals.......oh yeah, its great to have healthy people in my life for love/affection/companionship, etc.....but if they do NOT make me feel good about being me....if i cannot rely on them....if their actions do not match their words....if they are NOT there for me, most of the time................WHAT do i need them for??????
and these are the folks, if i have them still in my life, i write my list......WHAT is the payoff here??? WHAT pay off am i getting??? what shortcomming am i NOT addressing by letting this continue????? so its STEP 4--- and its step 4 BIG TIME!!! when i find it?? i can do the following---------set boundaries and be READY to act if they are not respected----------OR, re-evaluate the relationship as to whether i want to even bother.....and really why would i want a "non-nourishing" relationship in my life????
it all boils down to....WHAT do i want??? am i willing to make SERIOUS changes in my life to GET what i need/want??? as long as it is fair (my needs/wants) i have the RIGHT to have them......OR go elsewhere for my needs/ wants...............peace / rosie
"Neither a borrower nor a lender be." ? was that Ben Franklin?
((((((((((((Maresie)))))))))))) I really feel for you, your guy sounds like my ex husband who was an addict. He was in a constant state of mania, I used to think he was manic-depressive but he'd only get depressed about 4 hours one Sunday a month.
After being divorced & out of his hysteria, I see clearly he was & is an addict. Blaming everything in his life on other's. Our relationship was weird, he would do certain things for me no problem, like all the grocery shopping & my laundry but he never stopped yelling at me. We lived in PA & everytime my good ole state of TX lit someone up he would blame me... he blamed me for everything including "ruining his creativity."
Being an only-child I only wanted a little peace, but he would follow me from room to room &/or demand that I "keep him company" cuz that's what we got married for. He never let up & each yr his behaviour got worse & more erratic.
If I said the sky was violet he'd go crazy & tell me how wrong I was, he belittled any interest I ever had. After one yr of marriage (& get this ~ stubborn as I am, I stayed for 4) I had virtuallly no friends left... he isolated me from everything & everyone.
His OCD would drive me crazy (I mean I have it to, to a much lesser dgree) I think his was brought on by all of the pills, he jsut couoldn't remember what he was doing... I would have to watch him like a hawk, so I could tell him where he put things! I was an absolute prisoner & am so grateful, that I nearly died, b/c I am redisocvering myself today.
So I worked about 55 hrs just to not be around him. On Mondays, my day off, he would take off too so I couldn't even call my mother. My momwas so sick of hearing the same scenario time after time, & he was so jhealous of our sick & co-dependent relationship, well I killed two birds with one stone ~ I didn't speak to my mother for over a year, so she didn't have to hear about my problems which she was not sympathetic & it pleased him.
When I finally did get away, cuz I "wasn't allowed to go anywhere" he would throw a hissy fit if I wanted to go to the 7-11, I had to run away from him literally on vacation.
Now all of this craziness sick diseased A-bomb has fallen upon my head again with my step-father, being a cheatting (15 yrs of a 26 yr marriage), gambling, drunken wasteful, verbally abusive & cruel individual.
I told him he reminds me of Gollum, with a diseased sick little black heart & if he were my husband I would not even talk to him.
So I have been trying to spend time alone, recovering from the stress of a life of ACOA, ADD, OCD for 37 yrs. I don't have to be perfect & I don't care what anyone thinks... I am learning to prioritize myself, love myself & relax. I would rather be alone than have to deal with all of these fights & broken promises. God help me, I will break these pattterns & have a functional relationship or I will be alone. Now I am working on breaking the patterns w/ my beloved mother, who is none to happy that I don't jump everytime her phone sound rings. In fact, I hardly talked to her at all last month. I'm not going to b where I'm not appreciated... she doesn't want to know my feelings ~ so after 30 yrs lightening struck & I could hear it, for the first time... she doesn't want to hear me. I accept & love her, more & more with detachment compassionately.
All I can do is work on me, what a relief to let go of being responsible for other's!
God help us all.
Love, -Kitty of Light
-- Edited by kitty at 01:19, 2006-02-07
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I remember when my A broke the lawnmower....he never replaced it...rather he hired a landscaper (of course one of his loser friends) to do the work so he didn't have to. Not wanting to spend the money on a landscaper as we could do it ourselves I fought that fight a while before I let go and let him pay for it. If he wanted to spend his money on a landscaper, fine I was not going to argue at least the yard was getting done. He did it to avoid doing it himself as he did eveything to please himself. He did all the cooking and laundry, mostly b/c he liked to. It wasn't something I ever asked him to do. As all addicts are self-abosrbed and self pleasing this is what he did FOR HIMSELF. The laundry was great but he did it when he pleased and would leave loads and loads on the dining room table for me to put away. Not matter how many times I asked him to not do that he continued to. He was a slob that would hem and haw when I would ask him to pick up after himself.
Anything I aksed for was too much. If I wanted something new or to re-do a room...I had lofty aspirations that I was made to feel bad for. Whiel spearated I was able to put my head together and get done what I wanted. It was so freeing to do what I wanted in my house without having to feel bad. When he would come by during that time he would always make a comment on how nice things looked. I could tell that he was realizing how well I was doing without him, and quite frankly without his slobby butt around to clean up after, well it was a whole hell of a lot easier to keep things nice.
My A returned from rehab last week. His time in recovery has changed those behaviors. I hope that it continues becuase it is refreshing. I have certain things that I like done around the house and he abides by those rules. He straightens up after himself and cleans up after dinner (he cooks it too still, however, he NEVER would clean up afterward). He makes the bed (not the best job, but he does it) and I don't complain about how its done. It's actaully a pleasure to have him around the house these days. I have asked that he start some projects with me and he has agreed wholeheartedly.
The point is that active people see nothing but themselves. I know that this behavior will continue as long as my A stays active in his recovery. I will also know when he is not b/c those same behaviors will rear their ugly head again.
Keep strong, set boundaries and take care of you. Your worth it.
I did set some limits. I think this is why I am here to deal with what is in front of me. I have to learn boundaries. That's it.
I set the limit of not discussing his mother and not discussing other contentious subjects. I set a lot more limits and refuse to argue. I gave up wanting to be close to him. He does not want to understand my point of view.
He does not want to "know" me. I don't know that I agree with the point of victim/volunteer. I think its also about resources. Right now I am too poor to move. I make a choice not to be homeless. I also have a lot of health issues to contend with. I also have a lot of other ways I have to de-enmesh with him. That does not happen overnight. If I did it overnight I would be forced into great monetary and other losses. I would rather do it in my own time. I would rather come up with my own plan pf how to leave and when. I think its really easy to blame the victim. I'm not choosing to be poor, sick and isolated. Choosing other does not happen overnight. There is not much pay off for me in being with this A but the choice of leaving is very very difficult to do. Choosing to leave is not something I can enact overnight.
