The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So, I spent some time reading posts this morning and I think I'm more confused now than I was before. Instanity is being honest with our A about the affects their addiction has on us? That last night after "a couple beers", more like four just in the final 1/4 of the game and God only knows how many he had before that....I wasn't home, he wants to be "romantic". He's still pissed at me this morning for not complying. So.....does that mean that I should tell him that being "with" a drunk doesn't interest me especially after being "with" him sober was so much better? I know he's taking it out on the kids this morning. Just his style. And on that topic, what do I tell the kids? My 16, almost 17 year old son won't go to Alateen meetings, doesn't think he needs to. Do you force them? How do I even begin to repair the emotional and psycological damage he has and continues to cause to those children? How do I live with myself knowing the damage that I have caused those children by my enabling and caretaking? I'm going to a f2f tonight. This will be a new one since we moved. I starting going in our old town but discovered I couldn't handle the weekly B-ing and C-ing. I understand that people need to vent, but it was the same thing over and over and over again. Usually by the same person. I just want to understand this! My A didn't seem real excited about me going, but too bad. Absolute hypocrit is he right now.......court ordered meetings and he's back drinking. I'm so mad, I want to scream! Then again, I would like to crawl in to bed, throw the covers over my head and stay there until..............what? His death? At this moment in my life, that would be the only way the insanity will go away.
You could create a boundary for yourself regarding the sex issue ie when he is sober you can say if you have been drinking I will be sleeping in the spare room or I would appreciate it if you slept on the couch and did not bother me. Remember this is about what is right for you. As far as the kids doing alateen I don't think my kids would have been receptive to it either but I have heard that it is a great organisation. The only suggestion I can make is that maybe you get some literature and leave it laying around somewhere that they might read it. I personally would not force them to go the choice has to be theirs. Please look after your needs as well, you won't be able to fix all the kids emotional problems. My husband lost his licence I told him that if I choose to give him a lift I will but not to expect it. That is the consequence he has to deal with. Both my sons 17 and 20 get asked by their Dad to give them lifts sometimes and I have told them the same thing you can say no. The chatroom has regular meetings that I can highly recommend. Everyone here is really supportive. (())) Leo x.
Nettie--We in the program define insanity as "repeating the same actions over and over and looking for a different result." Merriam Webster defines insanity as "a standard of living which is well outside the cultural norm or the accepted standards of living for said culture." It is not your job to defend yourself against your husband (save for when you feel your safety or that of your children's is being threatened). It is also not your job to force your children into recovery--each of us come here right on time, and it is a program for those who WANT IT. Live what you hear here. Practice in your actions what you see here. Actions speak louder than words and people who are closest to you will want to be a part of your recovery, vs simply mooching off of it. And other people may simply want to mooch off your growth, which is something you may have to confront later on. In any case, your job is to grow into the person your higher power wants you to be. Your job is to be the best person, the best Nettie you can be. Do you have a sponsor? If not, I recommend STRONGLY that you get one--someone to take you throgh the steps, to listen to your ideas, and to help you grow from the inside out. Keep coming back.
Thank you Leo. I appreciate your words. Problem....I have tried numerous times to join the chat rooms but cannot get in. I even downloaded the javascript. If anyone has any other suggestions, I would appreciate it.
Hi Nettie and Welcome to this site. You'll find a lot of experience, strength and hope here (ES&H)
Sounds like you have hit *your* bottom and are at the same place in your life that I was in when I started my recovery. I was so sick and tired of living my life the way it was with all the insanity of addiction that I was willing to do anything to stop the pain I was in.
Insanity is simply repeating the same steps over and over again still expecting a different result. Specifically telling your A how you feel about his drinking isn't insanity. But if you're expecting it to have any effect on him or in any way slow him down or make him want to stop......then that part of it would be insanity. Am I making sense?
Most of us by the time we find this program and start working on ourselves......have tried everything we could think of under the sun to control our A's drinking/drugging. When what we tried didn't work the first time, we'd try again with more persistence the next time. We'd become as obsessed with their addiction as they were with their using. No doubt their actions were having a huge affect on us, problem was we had no idea what to do about it.
Many times we didn't want to end our relationships, yet we knew we couldn't take much more living the way we were. So what were we supposed to do?? I have many times felt like you do right now......that I just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. That the mere thought of living another day the same as the rest of my days had become was simply too much for me and I would sit and just cry. I also felt the insanity wouldn't end until my A was out of my life somehow, yet that wasn't what I wanted. To sum it up....at that point my life completely sucked in every way possible!
Then I found this program and slowly started to take the suggestions given. I went to f2f meetings, I eventually got a sponsor and began working the 12 steps. That is when changes started happening. I began to have hope. Not hope that my A would quit using, but hope that regardless if he did or didn't, my life would improve. The same thing can happen for you.
As for your children, I don't think forcing them to go to meetings is the answer. We can't force anyone to get help, not our A's, our children, or anyone else for that matter. I think the best way you can help your children is to help yourself through this program. This is a program of attraction rather than promotion. What that means simply is that rather than trying to *sell* meetings and program suggestions on someone, it's best to put to practice what you learn here in your daily life and by doing so you will be promoting the program. Your sons will see positive changes in you and that may make them want to follow your lead. Even if they don't choose to go to meetings, things will still improve in your home simply because your attitude will be better.
As for your husband not being happy about you going to meetings, this is very typical. Mine wasn't either. He feared that all the meetings were were a bunch of women sitting together putting down their A's and that they would talk me into leaving him. Little do they know that these meetings really aren't about *them* but they are about *us*. We learn how to take the focus off them and put it on ourselves where it belongs. By doing this we change their comfort level and they don't like it. They are used to us revolving our every thought and action around them and once we learn how to stop doing that, they aren't comfortable with it. In the long run the more we learn from this program as far as how not to enable them, how to detach from the disease without detaching from the person entirely, how to take the focus off them etc.........we are actually creating the best environment possible for them to want to seek recovery. I'm not saying yours will......but he will have a better chance once you're working your program.
A few books that would be very helpful to you right now are The Big Book of AA. This has a chapter right to the wives, and reading the entire book will help you fully understand what your husband is suffering from and a lot of things that didn't make sense in the past will become clear to you. Another one is Getting Them Sober. The title is deceiving because we know we don't have the power to do that, but the book is great and offers many suggestions for us including the best ways to react in certain situations.
Glad you found this site. Keep on going to your face to face meetings. Try different ones until you find the one that you're most comfortable at. Get yourself a sponsor asap and start working the steps. The slogan that helped me the most in the begining was *Let it Begin With Me* I knew my husband wasn't ready to make any changes, but I sure was. I just needed some guidance to show me how and what was in my power to change.
__________________
Kathy S --
~*I trust my Higher Power that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life today.*~
Hi Nettie you can download MIRC that is the one I use. If you would like to know the settings John has posted previously regarding this. If all this fails just post on the board HELP John and I am sure he will guide you through it. Hope you are having a better day to day. I have only been coming to this board since September and I have learnt so much from others. Hugs to you and the kids. Luv Leo xx
