The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I had a friend tell me something today that kind of hit me and made a lot of sense. First off, for those of you not familiar with my situation, to sum it all up in a nut shell: My A of 16 years (and 4 kids) took a good job offer in another state to try out, and if he liked, would move us all down there. He'd been trying to recover and was attending AA and had a sponser. He relapsed out there 2 weeks before Xmas almost died, lost his job, ended up in a hospital and upon getting out, moved out with a guy and his wife that he met there. He decided to not come home and do his outpatient treatment there. A few days later, he became cold and distant over the phone. Wouldn't tell me he loved me, had a totally changed attitude, told me to sell everything, wouldn't talk to the kids claiming he was to emotional to talk to them. Day to day, he changed more and more, telling me to go on with my life, he couldn't see himself ever coming back home, etc etc. Then another week passes and he says he wants a divorce that his drinking is a result of his family and me, and that he just can't be married to me anymore, because he couldn't handle hurting me anymore etc etc. And in my last posts, I had said how I just couldn't even speak to him anymore, it seemed he would only speak of things that would get me upset, like it gave him power to manipulate me over the phone and make me sad.
Anyway, my point is, he has left me and the kids. He's sent no money, he found a job and is working, but not paying any of his bills, he's going to outpatient and I'm sure he's still attending AA, but he seems to just be living and enjoying his new single life. Like maybe he felt so tied down all these years, and drank because he was unhappy.
But what my friend said was that this may have happened whether he had a drinking problem or not. And you know what? She's right. How many stories do we hear out there, where a spouse just walks out on their family, and they don't always have addiction problems. They just suddenly decide they don't want to be a part of a family anymore? I've heard quite a few stories, and they are always shocking. I am now one of these stories. I think maybe he just used his alcohol problem as his excuse out of something he didn't want to be in anymore. It's the only thing that makes sense, except for the fact that we all think that he has been brainwashed by his AA peers, and rehab councelors.
I certainly can't tell you what his reasons are ....only he knows that, and he probably isn't even being honest with himself about that.
Maybe his alcoholism is his crutch to use to get through life as he sees it and quite possibly since he has been gone and not tied down with his responsibilities of a father, providor , and husband , maybe all the reasons he's giving you are just another exuse.
Whatever his reasons are, you need to focus on you and your kids. Sounds like he's doing ok .... my concern is you and the kids. Try not to let him be your focus...that will drain the energy you need to focus on yourself.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Keep coming back. We love you and care about you.
I know, I know, I know that I need to focus on myself and my kids and I do at least 90% of the day. But how could I possibly just delete him out of my mind when he did this so suddenly and the circumstances are so insane, and then I'm reminded daily by family, and friends, and the people I've hid from for the last two months that have heard things through the grapevine, and I have to tell them what's going on. It's so easy for everyone to say, just get on with it and forget about him, well, I've been with him since we were 17, and he was an awesome provider and we shared so much together. I just have the need to talk about it right now and hear what others say through their experience, so PLEASE! stop telling me to quit focusing on him and to let him go, I will when I'm ready.
No, after 16 years you cannot just be expected to cut your husband and the father of your children out of your life. No matter what you share a history and you share children, whether he is seeing them or not. No matter what it hurts! You can't just move on, let go and forget, you have to learn to live with what is going on and you have to grieve.
I can't blame you for wanting to know why. I would want answers as well. You think you know someone and then something like this lands in your lap. I myslef tend to think things to death, even obsess over them. Right now he may not know the ansers himself. It is possible that his recovery is just an excuse, but the only one who can give you an honest answer to that is him, if and when he is ready to tell you and if and when he admitts the truth, whatever that may be to himself.
It is way too soon for you to move on. Doing that before you have dealt with your own feelings is almost impossible. You do need to focus on the kids and you. You need to do the things that have to be done to try and keep you guys happy and healthy. You also have to deal with your feelings about your marriage. Separation and divorce are no different than a death, we need to move through the stages of grief, we need to vent, get angry and do all the things that come naturally. Your feelings are yours and you have to allow yourself to feel them. Only you will know when you are ready to move on. Two months is not a very long time, though I know it must feel like eternity.
Don't drive yourself crazy, trying to figure out why, he has done what he hads. You have no control over his actions and you can probably come up with a million reasons and none might be right. Focusing on you does not mean forgetting about your marriage, or your husband. If you need to talk about it or just want to vent or bounce your thoughts off of people then vent away. We are all here to help each other.
yeah I agree with jeanie-your husband relapsed and his priorites shifted so that alchol could be taken care of first. What he did was selfish and cruel and it was very hurtful. I'm sorry that it happened, dear.
Thanks for sharing. I am in a similar situation. My A (sober for 22 years) said he wanted out of the marriage 1 1/2 years ago and moved out in June. This is after 32 years of marriage, 3 sons, and many, many experiences. What has helped me is reading The Dry Drunk Syndrome. A's are underdeveloped emotionally. There are many characteristics of dry drunk. One is black and white thinking, selfishness, changing geographic locations. I would tell my husband to choose the right tool for the job. They don't get it - the impact of their behavior. My last son graduated from high school and my husband thinks that our work is done as parents and he has no obligation. I am fortunate in that my kids are out of the house and that my husband still shares in paying the bills. It hurts that he shows no concern for his children. His logic is so illogically. I was thinking today that I am married to a 5 year old. Talking does no good. What I have heard hear on the board is that his HP has a plan for him. I can't deny him the consequences of his behavior. This is not easy at all. Keep coming back to the board. You will have alot of support here. Alanon offers us many tools and help.
Nancy,thank you for mentioning The Dry Drunk Syndrome.It never occured to me that my husband is dry drunk, but he does have most of the symptoms.He has started a relationship online with another recovering alcoholic and he wants out of the marriage.After 36 years.
He sent her flowers and told me about it.She sent him a Christmas card and he has it hanging still over his desk.He is very open about the fact that he is going to go to her state and meet her in person after she is sober for one year, in April.As soon as we can sell our house,which I cannot afford to keep by myself,we will separate.We have no kids.My family and friends are shocked at how disrespectful he is being to me.(as am I) When I try to expalin this to him he just does not seem to get it. After I said it was over when I discovered his online girlfriend, he throws that up now,saying if it is over it should not hurt me.After all we have been thru and experienced he can just toss me aside like I mean nothing to him.It just blows my mind and hurts alot.
His sponsor and good friend passed away about 3 years ago and he has not had a sponsor(he's been sober 16 years). He has now found another sponsor who has told him that he needs to work the steps again and he needs to get more involved in helping others.I think that is probably good advice which will lead him out of the dry drunk syndrome if he follows it.But it will be too late for our marriage,too much hurt.
