The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Okay, sometimes when I sit here and read posts, my mind starts turning with all kinds of questions. I want to see what kinds of answers I get from this one:
Why is it that we are supposed to completely step back from addicts and let them do what they want, chose their own paths, make their own decisions and not be part of any of it. But in the normal world, or normal marriages, or normal parenting, we don't have to do that. We say what we think, we expect things out of that other person, we express our feelings, we can get mad, get angry, get sad, etc etc etc. Now I know that being involved with any kind of addict is "not normal" and all, but who came up with all of these strange ideas and approaches to life, that I just have trouble understanding?
I hope this made sense, and that I got my question across the way I've been thinking it in my head!
good morning you must have read my mind I was thinking of the same question I am fairly new to alanon and I hope we get an answer to that interesting question take care Lory
I too struggle with this. Sometimes I think I understand & then there are those times I just don't get it. I think I hear the message that we can't do anything about their choices, but that we can express in a positive way our anger, feelings, etc. Just not to expect anything from them. I don't think we're suppose to let them do what they want when it affects our lives, that we're suppose to set boundaries with consequences we can enforce. I think we're suppose to ask or include them in our lives, (if it's our choice) & then not expect anything.
I'm not saying I know the answers. I don't, I struggle with this greatly. This is just some of the messages I pull out of meetings & so forth. I don't know if it's my wrong interpretation, or that's what I'm hearing, but I do know it at times feels impossible. I too am new at this.
Because our part of the disease makes us controlling and enabling which does not help and actually contributes to the insanity of alcoholism. I know from my own experience that they (A's) have to bottom out. If we continue to fix everything for them. Then they do not reach the bottom so that they may truely experience step 1. I do not have an active A in my life at the moment but I am still recovering. I do not want to go and pick another one to play with! I want to be able to have a "normal" relationship. So I focus on my recovery and let them focus on theirs.
I know it is hard to "detach" from a loved one especially when they live in the same household, however in Alanon we learn this for our own sakes as well. What comes to mind when I read your post was the "3 C's"...you did not cause it,,,you cannot cure it and you cannot control it!..Then what does that leave? That says to me that you only have control over yourself and that you can make it a day whatever you want it to be......be it happy and enjoyable. If you have not attended alanon as of yet,,I would suggest going and listening to the ESH that the alanon members have to share. You can also pick up a small pamphlet on Detachment there , which for me has been a saving grace many times when I start thinking I can change the A's in my life or save them or fix them etc,,,as we all tend to want to do. This program is about us and it teaches us to "Live" whether the A is still drinking or not.
I also was confused and somewhat angered by the suggestions of this program at first. I felt as a wife I should be able to *expect* certain things of my husband and the father of my kids. I didn't think expecting my husband to sleep in our bed at night opposed to being out until 8am getting high was such an unreasonable expectation.
What I have learned is that the suggestions of this program are for us and about us, they really have nothing to do with the addict because no matter how we choose to live our lives it will not have any effect on their alcohol/drug use.
If we choose to stay in our relationships with the A, then we have to make some choices. We can either choose to not take the suggestions of this program and continue to allow ourselves to be totally absorbed by the actions of our A, obsessed with their behavior, drinking, drugging, lack of responsibility etc. We can continue to basically put our lives on hold and dedicate all our thoughts and deeds to them. Or........
We can work this program and take the suggestions given, thereby learning how to live our lives in peace and actually find some happiness out of it while still staying in our relationship with the A.
Here's an example of how working this program can make a difference:
We would like to be able to *expect* our husbands/wives to eat dinner with us as a family. Most households have a usual time that they eat. A typical night could be as follows.........
I plan and prepare a nice dinner. I tell my husband what time it will be ready and he promises to be home. Dinner time arrives and he's not here.
Without a program and following program suggestions:
I call his cell phone and he either answers and gives me some cockimamy story as to why he's late and lies that he's on his way or he just doesn't answer it at all. I either wait for him as he promised while becoming more and more frustrated by the minute because he's not home or I keep calling his cell phone repeatedly like a nut. Either way in this scenario my dinner plans are ruined, I'm frustrated, my kids are upset because they sense my frustration and I've allowed him to ruin my evening.
Now with a program:
When my dinner is ready at the time I said it would be, the kids and I proceed to sit down and enjoy our meal. I don't wait on him, I don't call him, I don't save a dish for him. I don't allow him to ruin my evening.
Now before I worked this program I never would be able to do that. I'd be so upset, hurt and angry that he wasn't home as promised it would literally ruin my evening. This is just one small example of how this program can work in our lives if we let it.
__________________
Kathy S --
~*I trust my Higher Power that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life today.*~
We don't do this for the A, we do this for ourselves. None of this is 'theory', an idealized version of what we *should* do in a touchy feely world. No, the alanon program is here to save US from being sucked down into the hell of their addictions.
If you are here, then your life has been negatively impacted by someone else's drinking. Have you tried all the 'normal' ways of dealing with the problems? Talking it out, asking for what you wanted, getting mad, yelling, pouting, withholding sex, going to marriage counselling? How did it work? Did he keep the promises that you got out of him, while he was feeling remorseful? Did he become more reliable, once you let him know how much his unreliability upset you? Did he stop saying or doing hurtful things to you, once you let him know how much you disliked them? If he did, he is probably not an A, and you can just go on and live life like a normal person.
If he didn't, then you can keep on doing the same thing, and expecting different results (we call that 'insanity', here) or you can try something new. That is all that alanon is - the way that those of us who have tried it have found to make positive changes in our lives. Again, we don't do this in order to be 'nice' to the A - we do this because it seems to be the only thing that works to save our own sanity, and rescue our lives from his disease.
Because they are not normal. LOL...they are consistantly inconsistent. Which makes us crazy. We detach for our sanity and allow them to face their own problems, without adding to them. It's not our job to sink them and it's not our job to keep them a float. We can't justify doing either.
This program reads easy....but takes practice to actually work it.
